The accountancy trained sheepdog

A farmer buys a new sheepdog, called Excel, from his accountant.  

First day out the farmer sends Excel, off to gather in his 8 sheep. 

 On returning the farmer is astonished to find he now has 10 animals in his pen and asks the dog to explain. 

Excel barks: "Woof! You asked me to round them up".

Fifteen funny books for accountants

1. Internal Control Weaknesses by Kermit Fraud 
2. Authorisation Limits by Mustapha Siggnatjeur 
3. How Not To Panic At Year End by Wendy Orditors-Cumming 
4. Cash Control for Dummies by Hans Intils 
5. Rough Guide to Accounting by Major Control-Weakness 
6. Double Entry Delights by General Ledgers 
7. Financial Planning for Beginners by Bud Jett 
8. Monthly Reporting by Anna Litticle 
9. Excel Analysis by Rosa Dayter 
10. The Notes to the Accounts by Hugh Kairs 
11. Capital Tax Planning by Muvinov Sure 
12. Insolvency by Justin Casey-Folds 
13. The Missing VAT Trader by Cara Zell 
14. Big Bonus by Laura Cash 
15. Unexplained Difference by Frank D Scussions 

With due credit to Graham Thomas-Widger and Karen Watson who posted these (and a few others I didn't get) on AccountingWeb

10 ways to know you're an accountant

 You know you're an accountant when.....

.....Friends always ask YOU to divide the restaurant bill and the tip.
.....Tipping a waiter makes you wonder who is acting as the troncmaster.
.....You are always expected to be the one controlling the fund for office sweepstakes, lottery and fantasy football syndicates.
.....Strangers sidle up to you at parties and ask "How do I pay less tax?"
.....You can repeat all the HMRC 'on hold' messages word-perfectly.
.....You are annoyed when you see journalists giving inaccurate tax advice

.....When you pop into an independent retail outlet you wonder how much profit they make.

.....You refuse to buy certain products retail because you know how big the sales margin is.
.....You have quoted certain tax cases so often you know how to spell the obscure names involved (eg: Mallalieu v Drummond) 
.....You count an unnumbered list like this one to check whether it really contains 10 items. 

If we are not 'customers' of HMRC, what are we?

It's been many years since HMRC (the taxman) started to use the word 'customers' to refer to all types of taxpayers and tax credit claimants.  Of course 'customers' normally get a choice as to where they shop so it's not the right word.  

Here are 11 alternative, not too serious, descriptions. Do you have any other suggestions?

1. Slaves
2. Victims
3. Codees - Anyone who deals with the tax authorities has to have a code, so that's the common element.
4. Punters
5. Suckers 
6. Cash cows
7. Mugs
8. Muggles 
9. Prey
10. Government financiers
11. Lemons (as in "squeeze them until the pips squeak")