Ogden Nash - economics and tax

 "Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. 

The less you earn, the more you're given,

the less you lead, the more you're driven,

the more destroyed, the more they feed,

the more you pay, the more they need,

the more you earn, the less you keep,

And now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to take,

if the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake."

Ogden Nash, American Poet, 1902-1971

7 ways to avoid winding up your tax adviser

 1. BE HAPPY AT ALL TIMES

Your tax adviser leads a stressful life dealing with HMRC (the Taxman) and cannot cope with you being miserable as well.

2. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR TAX ADVISER TO BE SYMPATHETIC WITH YOUR PROBLEM
Your tax adviser's ethical code requires them to be objective and independent.

3. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF YOUR TAX ADVISER'S ADVICE LOSES YOU MONEY
You must appreciate that tax IS VERY DIFFICULT so an occasional experience of negative income is only to be expected.

4. DO NOT ASK YOUR TAX ADVISER TO EXPLAIN WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR WHY
Unfortunately the jargon inherent in tax matters is not compatible with explaining it to someone like you in a way you would understand.

5. BE PREPARED TO TRY FIENDISHLY COMPLEX TAX SCHEMES WITH ENTHUSIASM
Though the planning may be ineffective and cost you a lot, the resulting thesis on the deficiencies of such schemes may result in the tax adviser acquiring further letters after their name.

6. PAY ALL YOUR TAX ADVISER'S BILLS PROMPTLY
It is an honour and a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of such doughty fighters of Government rulebooks.

7. NEVER GO TO JAIL FOR TAX FRAUD WHILE EMPLOYING A TAX ADVISER
This will only cause your tax adviser unnecessary publicity and embarrassment.

Late night thoughts of young auditors

You must be an account receivable, because you're outstanding 

“As a student, you are either struggling academically, financially, or emotionally.” 

If you’re an auditor, well... all three. --

“Treat me like interest. Compound me.”

“Work-life balance in audit is like Santa. We all wish it existed, but it does not.”

“My boss thinks taking us out to dinner is a bonus. I don’t need his dinner I need cash.”

“Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.”

“If you could be any TB account? Which would it be?”  -  Goodwill because people never want to write you off

If I could substantively test how boys felt about me, my life would be so much easier. I could send confirms to their exes, recalculate average time between reading your texts and replying, doing a search for "unrecorded liabilities" aka side hoes

Originally collated and shared on the twitter account @overheardaudit

What do different people dislike HMRC?

• Chiropractors don’t like HMRC because they’re always after back taxes 
• Police officers object to the extra duty 
• Cardiologists find them heartless 
• Podiatrists hate having to foot the tax bill 
• Gym owners don't like have to pay exercise duty 
• Fairground owners struggle with their tax dodgems 
• Librarians hate the HMRC for all the extra bookkeeping required 
• Detectives say that HMRC send them figures that just don't add up 
• Pet shop owners just hate perch's tax 
• Post Office workers don’t like Stamp Duty 
• Headline Writers hate Capital Gains Tax 
• Newlywed grooms pay more when they carry their brides over the threshold 
• Musicians don’t like HMRC because they always want too many notes