50 ways to please the taxman

 Accountant Nigel Hughes has crafted this topical variation on the Paul Simon classic. It's a fun ditty in itself and even cleverer if you can recall the original tune as you read it!

Your problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you do it digitally
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

She said I hate to see you blundering in this fog
Tax really doesn’t need to be such a slog
I’d like to end your love affair with analogue
There must be fifty ways to please the taxman

Fifty ways to please the taxman

Just get on the web Fred
Click on your mouse Klaus
Get up in the cloud Howard
Just zap it to me
This is the key, Lee
You don't need double entry
Do it on line Brian
And set yourself free
It's a new day Ray
Just think what you'll save Dave
Take a quick pic Rick
And listen to me
You'll never believe Steve
What you can do if you trust me
Just take a quick snap Jack
And set yourself free
She said paper records are really such a drag
In cardboard boxes or a Tesco carrier bag
I said I appreciate that but don't you think some clients might just gag

On the 50 ways

She said I think you should just leave it all to me
I know very soon, you’ll fall in love with MTD
And then she kissed me and I realised I could charge a quarterly fee
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

12 statements guaranteed to wind up an accountant

 How to wind up an accountant? Just say something like this:

• "I just popped everything in this carrier bag here - I knew you could sort it all out for me."
• "My friend's accountant says....."
• "I need a mortgage reference - you will make the figures look good for me won't you?"
• "A friend in the pub said that he's certain that...."
• "My van was broken into and........ ... all of my receipts were stolen"
• "How can I have made such much profit when I've no money left in the bank"
• "My son has been onto the HMRC web site and......."
• " I've already signed my tax return. Just fill in the details as usual"
• "I've put the cost of the new extension through, as I do make coffee in the new kitchen while I am working from home"
• "I've checked my tax return and it's wrong...the profit figure on the accounts isn't the same as the taxable profits figure on the tax return"
• "You can't have our bank statements we have shredded them. It said on the news that the police wanted everyone to shred their bank statements to avoid ID theft"
• "I won't be able to pay you until someone has paid me." Always said AFTER you have completed their accounts.

Contributed by members of AccountingWeb on this discussion thread I initiated a while back.

Ten tax related musings that will make you smile

 

1. Why is simplification such a long word?
2. A tax conscience is that small inner voice that tells you that the Special Civil Investigation Office will be writing to you.
3. If taxes are the answer, what was the question?
4. Why is it that HMRC can make 'mistakes' but taxpayers are always negligent?
5. Haggis and tax laws are both the the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made.
6. Is it true that HMRC's computer believes that the generation of names for random enquiry is too important to be left to chance?
7. If you fill in your tax return before breakfast then nothing worse can happen to you all day.
8. Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.
9. Is the Eiffel Tower a warning as to what will happen to Canary Wharf after taxes?
10. Has the self assessment system resulted in the United Kingdom becoming a land of untold wealth? 

How to explain away that Holiday Villa you bought using undeclared income

During a tax investigation an inspector from HMRC asks the taxpayer how he managed to afford such a luxurious holiday villa with such little income.  The taxpayer responded with this story:

"While out fishing last summer, I caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened its mouth and said that he was a magical fish. This magical fish promised me that if I threw him back into the sea he would reward me with the most luxurious villa I had ever seen. After thinking about it for a moment, I said "OK" and threw the magic fish back into the sea. When I walked back up from the sea I could see the villa, just as the fish had promised."

The Inspector laughed and asked how the taxpayer expected to prove such an unbelievable story?

The taxpayer said "Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"

Cynical views about auditing

“Auditors don’t stop management’s lies, just make sure they’re reasonable.”

-- 

How many auditors does it take to change a lightbulb? 

 None - we’re all too busy. Wrong! The correct answer is: How many did it take last year!! 

-- Originally collated and shared on the twitter account @overheardaudit