Ten laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don’t 

2. Working Capital does not 

3. Liquidity tends to run out 

4. Return on investments never will 

5. Bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg. 

6. If you need accounting to prove it, it was probably not true in the first place 

7. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary account 

8. An accountant is a man hired to explain that you did not make the money you did 

9. Accounting is economics without assumptions 

10. Obviously accounting pays, otherwise there would be no accountants.

Inspectors of taxes and alligators

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. 

“Do you serve inspectors of taxes?”, he asks the barman. 

“Of course”, says the barman. 

 “Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have an inspector taxes".

Did the accountant teach the old man a lesson?

An old man was selling watermelons. 

His price list reads: 1 for £3 or 3 for £10. 

A young accountant stops by and buys three watermelons, one by one, paying £3 for each. 

As the young accountant walks away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realise I just bought three watermelons for only £9? Maybe business is not your thing." 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach ME how to do business." 

The young accountant heard what the old man said and vowed to never again be so arrogant or stupid. 

He went on to run his own practice and never forgot his watermelon lesson. 

Listen to your clients for they may well know more about their business than you do.

10 maddening things accountants hear from their clients

1. “But you’re an accountant, I’m not supposed to pay any tax if I get you do my Return” 
2. "Can’t you get my tax bill down, I haven’t got the money to pay that” 
3. “So my tax bill is £1k. If I spend £1k, my tax bill is £0, right?“ 
4. "I want to become a company like my mate as now he doesn’t pay any tax" 
5. “I’ve worked like crazy during the last year or so, and you’re asking me to give a chunk to the tax man – not sure why I bothered, now – I might as well get a 9 to 5” 😲 (from someone who achieved his goal of being a first time home-owner as a result of such “bothering“) 
6.  “I heard from that guy on TV (we all know who that is, don’t we?) that if I did X,Y or Z it would get rid of my tax bill” 
7. "But my friend doesn't put cash sales on his tax return" 
8. "But why should I have to pay tax? I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school"
9. "But Dave down the pub told me you can just borrow money from your company and not pay any tax on it" 
10. "But my friend said she claims expenses on all her food at work on her tax return"

Why do accountants.....?

Google suggests the most common search phrases that start 'Why do accountants...?  

Why do accountants wear visors?

Why do accountants use brackets for negative numbers?

Why do accountants earn so much?

Why do accountants use spreadsheets?

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Why do accountants make so little?

Why do accountants use excel?

Why do accountants exist?

Why do accountants make good lovers?