3 groan inducing accountancy jokes

The taxman wanted to know why a farmer felt he could get tax relief for a £500 expense listed as ‘entertainment’?” 

The farmer replied, “That’s for my scarecrow. It entertains the crows.” 

A client whose accountant maintained his books in the cloud had the perfect justification for keeping all his paperwork in a shoebox.

He was a sole trader.

A trainee was curious about a regular payment passing through a client's bank accountant. The client supplied copies of his bank statements with notes written beside each transaction. 

The trainee asked the accountant what business the client was in and learned he was a car mechanic. 

At which point the trainee asked 'So why does he buy so many Drawings'.

Why accountants' friends don't understand them

1. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
2. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
3. They believe tax season only lasts a week
4. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
5. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
6. They only call when they want tax advice
7. New versions of Excel are really exciting
8. "Variance analysis" sounds like a psychological condition
9. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits
10. They think "fiscal year" is just a typo for "physical year"
11. "Amortisation" sounds like a spell from Harry Potter
12. They think "FIFO" and "LIFO" are new dance moves

Leaked conversation between Rachel Reeves and Jim Harra

Ahead of the 2024 General Election, The then Shadow Chancellor, Rachel Reeves met with the Head of HMRC, Jim Harra.

"You will understand" said Rachel "that we are under pressure to simply our complex tax system. What can we do?’ 

"I can help you there" said Jim. "I recommend you legislate one simple new tax law".

"It should make clear that from now on everyone, especially the bankers, accountants, lawyers and tax avoiders must stop focusing on the precise wording of tax laws". 

"Instead  they should act in accordance with the Government's intentions when making those laws. No one need bother about the written laws ever again! We could call this concept 'the spirit of the law'."

Rachel smiled. "That sounds good, except for one point that's not obvious to me. How do I know what my intentions were?" ‘I just pass on the laws you give me." 

That's easy" replied Jim. "I shall be more than happy to tell you what your Government’s intentions were, should the need ever arise".