Childhood ambitions that point to accountancy

While my friends played tag, I played "compliance audit" and issued playground-wide risk reports.

Other kids drew castles. I drew cash flow forecasts and colour-coded them by quarter.

I used to alphabetise my sweets and depreciate the ones with sticky wrappers.

I didn’t just play Monopoly. I insisted on calculating net asset value before buying Mayfair.

I dreamt of reconciling my toy till against the chocolate coins in my piggy bank.

As a child, I loved hide and seek — mostly because it mimicked forensic bookkeeping.

My imaginary friend was Inlander Revenyoo We had long chats about allowable expenses.

I was the only kid who ran a tuck shop with monthly management accounts and variance analysis.

Even at five, I believed every teddy bear tea party needed a robust audit trail.

I once grounded myself for breaching pocket money procurement protocol.

When I got a Scalextric, I immediately performed a cost-benefit analysis on the loop-the-loop.

Tax offences in the bedroom – a lesson in lust and legislation

A hunky accountant and a charmingly assertive tax inspector give in to their mutual attraction and check into a hotel.

Before things go too far, the inspector insists they cover the topic of protection.

She smiles and says, “This is the perfect opportunity to help you understand tax offences... in a more practical context.”

“Neglect,” she explains, “would be you claiming you simply forgot to bring protection – an honest mistake, but one you’ll regret later.”

“Wilful default is refusing to use the protection I’ve provided – even though you’ve been made fully aware of the risks and consequences.”

“Fraud,” she says, narrowing her eyes, “is when you look me in the eye and claim you’ve had the snip – when in fact, you haven’t even booked the consultation.”

The accountant gulps. “So what happens if I comply fully?”

She winks.
“Well then, you’ve filed everything correctly and on time. No penalties. And possibly… a small reward.”

Little known laws of accountancy clients

The Law of Disappearing Clients 

The closer it gets to the filing deadline, the harder it is to contact them. 

The Law of Last-Minute Miracles 

Clients will always “find” a vital document within seconds of you submitting the accounts. 

The Law of Shoebox Expansion 

No matter how small the original box, its contents will multiply under scrutiny. 

Murphy’s Ledger Law 

The client who insists their records are immaculate will have at least one year missing. 

The Law of Tax Time Amnesia 

No one remembers you telling them how much tax they'd owe when they get a late payment demand gtom HMRC

The Law of Perfect Hindsight 

Everything that went wrong in the accounts is, apparently, your fault for not being psychic.

The Biscuit Budget Rule 

The value of client hospitality is inversely proportional to the size of the fee. 

The Law of Magical Thinking 

Some clients believe tax bills shrink if you glare at them long enough. 

The PDF Law 

Any document urgently needed will be sent as a photo of a printed PDF taken at an angle. 

The Law of Refund Envy 

Clients who owe tax will always know someone who got a refund, and want to know why you didn’t work that same magic.

Why do HMRC pursue odd tax cases?

Years ago I recall discussing HMRC prosecution policy with a senior official. 

He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong. 

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case", he said. "So why did we lose?" 

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know". 

"Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."