6 things I hate accountants doing on Linkedin

1.  Overly personal posts better suited to facebook
2.  Being negative and critical 
3.  Starting something they fail to complete 
4.  Sharing simple lists with no real context 
5.  Irony

What does it mean to be customers of HMRC?

When the Inland Revenue decided in 1992 that taxpayers should be known as "customers", Parliament reacted exactly as you'd hope.

One peer wondered whether customers could now shop around between tax offices for a better deal. Another asked if dissatisfied customers could simply take their custom elsewhere. A third wanted to know whether, in the finest traditions of British retail, the customer would always be right—and if not, whether payment could be withheld until service improved.

Things only got better when someone suggested that anyone leaving the Inland Revenue's "customer base" might soon become a customer of Her Majesty's Prisons instead.

Two true stories re: tax planning and the human interest side of things

A tax adviser confided in me recently that one reason she enjoyed her work was the human interest side of things. 

By way of example she told me of the new client who explained his existing trust structure. It had been set up for his future illegitimate children.

This reminded me of when I was a new naive tax senior working with high earning stockbroking clients working in partnership. This meant they had unlimited liability. 

I learned that one of the brokers was the sole owner of his big family home so I advised him to put it in his wife's name to protect it. His response has stayed with me over the years. "Thanks Mark but I'll keep it in my name as there's more chance of me getting divorced than of the firm going under!" 

It was many years later before I realised he might have been having an affair and was worried his wife would find out!

Not so daft questions from junior accounting staff

1 - A trainee was compiling accounts for a sole trader who used to supply Bank Statements with notes written beside each transaction. 

The trainee asked his boss what the client did. The answer was: a motor mechanic. 

The trainee then asked 'So why does he buy so many Drawings'?

2 - An overseas based outsourcer was working on a pub client. They could see fruit machine income beinbg credited, and asked why there was no corresponding purchases of fruit on the expenditure side. 

Valentine messages for accountants in love

No need for adjustments,

No late review —

My forecast is clear:

I’m in love with you.

Roses are red,
The budget is tight,
But loving you
Still feels just right.

Roses are red,
Tax returns are due,
But I’d rather spend
My deadline with you.

5 questions that make accountants cringe

1. My friend doesn't include cash sales in his accounts. Why should I? 
2. Why should I have to pay tax, I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school?
3. How do I become a company like my pal and then not pay any tax?
4. What does 'Dave down the pub' mean when he says I can just borrow money from my company and not pay any tax on it?
5. Why haven't you told me I can claim all my food and drink bills through the business? 

Tax planning joke from Milton Jones

The comedian Milton Jones recently explained why his full name is 'Milton 22 Acacia Avenue Jones'

It's because someone told his father that he could save tax by putting his home in his son's name 

Why tattoo artists make good clients for accountants

Some accountants specialise in dental practices. Others work with solicitors, tech start-ups, or the occasional high-street café that’s “definitely going to franchise this year”.

But tattoo artists? Now there’s an underrated client base.

Here’s why the inked elite might just be your next dream clients:

🖋️ They’re used to permanent records 

😬 They understand painful mistakes – and the importance of correcting them carefully, in stages, over several sessions.

🕵️‍♂️ They’re used to dodgy cover-up requests 

📈 Their business is always in demand – especially post-breakup, midlife crisis, or after a stag do or hen night

💸 They respect pain thresholds – which comes in very handy when you’re explaining their January tax bill over Zoom, with “that face” on.

The client who wouldn't open his post

An accountant told me about one of his early clients who, years ago, never opened any official looking envelopes. 

The accountant had to do this when he visited each month. And he then told the client what action needed to be taken in each case. 

 In an effort to get the client to open letters from the accountant himself he started sending them in distinctive grey coloured envelopes. However the client rarely opening these either. 

On one occasion the accountant wrote: "I'm writing this letter knowing that I'll be the one to open it when I come to visit you next month." He laughed when that is exactly what happened.

On another occasion the accountant sent his bill in a pretty coloured envelope. The accompanying letter started: "I hope you like the envelope. I used it in the hope that you'll have opened it without realising it was from me!"

Comedians' views on taxes and accountants

“I don’t mind paying tax. I just wish it came with a receipt and a returns policy.” - Jo Brand 

“Tax is one of those things everyone agrees is necessary, provided someone else is paying most of it.” -  David Mitchell

“There’s a wonderful moment when you realise the taxman knows exactly how much you owe… and is waiting to see if you do.” -   Billy Connolly 

“I have a tax problem. I’ve paid too much.” - Spike Milligan 

“People say ‘pay your fair share’ as if anyone knows what that is — including the people collecting it.” -  Romesh Ranganathan     

“I earn just enough to worry about tax, but not enough to feel clever about it.” - Josh Widdicombe

“People love saying ‘tax the rich’ until they realise the rich includes anyone more organised than them.” - Katherine Ryan    

“There’s a moment when you start earning more and suddenly HMRC knows your name.” - Rob Beckett  

“I like the idea of tax being simple. I just don’t believe anyone who says it is.” - Sara Pascoe  

“I enjoy bureaucracy when it’s someone else’s problem — which is why accountants deserve respect.” - Joe Lycett 

10 more popular films with accountancy related themes

1. Minority audit report – In a future where a special audit unit is able to establish whether accounts are true and fair before they start their fieldwork, an officer from that unit is himself accused of a future fraud. 
2. File Hard with a vengeance - A tax adviser gets a little carried away when he can't access the Companies House portal he uses to submit annual accounts. 
3. The Signing – An auditor becomes possessed while on an away job in an isolated hotel where an evil and spiritual presence influences the RI, while his audit team sees horrific forebodings from the past and of the future. 
4.  Final estimation – a group of young auditors try and fail to escape death after miscalculating depreciation charges. 
5. The Accountant - Chaos ensues when an efficient accountant who is a bit too focused on his work forgets to keep track of his time and which client should pay the bills. 
6. ACA Ventura: PET detective – Jim Carrey stars as a personal tax accountant who goes in search of a dolphin gifted as a potentially exempt transfer for inheritance tax purposes. 
7. Accrual Runnings – a team of Jamaican accountants with absolutely no knowledge of UKGAAP come to the UK and set up as an audit firm. Hilarity ensues. 
8. SA SA Land - a musical imagining of what would happen if everyone filed their SA tax returns with a smile each year 
9. Home A-Loan – an incredibly boring film about a child trying to get a mortgage but failing because he’s too young. 
10. Groundhog day - An outgoing accountant resolves never again to allow his clients to force him to work crazy hours in January.

Taxing questions at Christmas

An unexpected enquiry arrived in the Tax Advice Network's inbox this week.

“I am becoming increasingly concerned about my potential liability to UK taxes.

I am non-domiciled and non-resident (I think) – certainly no permanent home here – but each December I work temporarily in the UK for a very intensive 24-hour period.

The work is unpaid, but I do receive millions of unsolicited (though habitual) benefits in kind such as glasses of port, mince pies and assorted festive treats. 

I am worried I should have declared these to HMRC. 

Their total value must be substantial, but I have no idea how to measure it. Is there an annual tax liability… and if so, how on earth would I value a mince pie in Aberdeen versus one in Acton?

I’m also getting anxious about Making Tax Digital.

As a sole trader, must I start filing quarterly updates in 2026? I genuinely don’t know whether my turnover exceeds the £50,000 threshold. 

Do I count the notional value of billions of gifts delivered worldwide? And what about barter transactions — a carrot for a reindeer surely isn’t taxable… is it?

If I am subject to tax, I’d like to offset my travel costs and the expense of my vehicle and support team — none of whom are on my payroll. 

Can I also deduct the cost of customer gifts? They’re not food or drink, but they don’t carry my business logo either.

I like to think I’m being nice… but am I actually naughty? Should I seek proper advice or can I safely ignore my self assessment and MTD filing obligations?

The message was signed “S. Claus”.

5 new Christmas carols for accountants

Frosty the Snowman → Frosty the Taxman 

Do You Hear What I Hear? → Do You See What I See?

That mystery journal entry no one claims to have posted.

Deck the Halls → Check the Files
A surprisingly festive activity when everything finally reconciles

While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks → While Accountants Watched Their Clocks
Almost December… almost time to mutter “next year will be different”.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas → It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Crunch Time
Every January. Without fail.

An accountant's shocking Christmas confession

Seen on a website for anonymous confessions: 

 

"I’m an accountant. Every Christmas our office has a secret vote for the client who has been the biggest pain in the backside. We then report the winner to HMRC regardless of whether we have any concerns about their tax affairs. Invariably they get a full audit so we get more work. It’s win win".

10 new taxes the Chancellor avoided in the Budget

1. Zoom Face Tax – £2 each time you say, “Can you see my screen?” when you clearly can’t. 
2. Inbox Zero Tax – payable by anyone who publicly claims to have achieved it. (Doubles if they post about it on LinkedIn.) 
3. Self-Checkout Tax – 5p per “unexpected item in the bagging area.” 
4. Password Reset Duty – £3 each time you click ‘Forgot password’. 
5. Hybrid Working Hypocrisy Tax – £10 for every manager who says “work from anywhere” but frowns when you actually do. 
6. LinkedIn Humblebrag Duty – £50 per post that begins “I’m honoured and humbled to announce…” 
7. Dishwasher Diplomacy Tax – £10 fine for re-stacking someone else’s perfectly good attempt. 
8. Weather Small-Talk Duty – 20p per conversation opened with “Cold, isn’t it?” 
9. DIY Overconfidence Charge – £50 for starting a project with “How hard can it be?” 
10. Autocorrect Excise – 10p for every text where “ducking” was clearly not the intended word.

Sometimes we're not as clear as we might be....

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies of the passport. 

It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations. 

An accountant told me that a new client once sent him an unusual package. 

On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else? Another one. Same as the first. And another, and another. 

Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport. None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone. 

The accountant called the client to acknowledge receipt of the package and to find out why he had sent so many copies - and not had any of them certified. 

The client was pleased to hear the package had arrived safely. 

"I should have checked as I must have misheard you. 'Certified copies' makes much more sense. I thought you asked for 35 copies."

A variation on The Traitors - just for accountants

The Tax Avoiders 

Twenty accountants gather in a grand country estate for what’s billed as “a professional ethics retreat.” 

Unbeknownst to the majority, three are secretly Tax Avoiders — slick operators who still believe it’s “perfectly legitimate” to run your income through a dormant company in Gibraltar. 

Their mission: blend in, smile politely, and drop hints about “completely legal loopholes” without getting caught. 

Each day, the group faces ethical challenges such as: 

• Would you still take on a client if they paid in crypto and said ‘don’t ask’? 
• Spot the disguised remuneration scheme
• Rebrand a tax shelter as a ‘wealth retention structure’ ” 
• Bonus round: Design a new company car scheme that somehow includes a yacht. 

The faithful accountants spend their evenings debating clues around the dinner table. 

• “Did you hear her say ‘aggressive planning’ or ‘HMRC will never notice’?” 
• “I swear he winked when someone mentioned ‘creative compliance’.” 

Meanwhile, the Avoiders sneak off to the drawing room to whisper about EBTs, letters of comfort, and how they’re “friends with a barrister who says it’s fine.” 

At The Reconciliation Dinner, one accountant is expelled each night. 

Accusations fly: 

• “He’s too smooth — definitely used to speak at film partnership seminars.” 
• “She said she ‘advises high-net-worth individuals’. That’s code for trouble.” 
• “He called HMRC ‘the opposition’ as if he's in a constant battle with them” 

By the final episode, only a handful remain — desperately trying to decide who’s clean and who once claimed a yacht as a ‘mobile meeting facility’. 

Will integrity prevail? Or will one of the Tax Avoiders walk away with the super-high fee — and the quiet confidence that they’ll have moved to Dubai long before HMRC come knocking?

What is an ACCOUNTANT?

An ACCOUNTANT is someone who:

Analyses figures 

Calculates calmly 

Counsels clients 

Organises chaos 

Unlocks understanding 

Navigates numbers 

Tames tax 

Avoids assumptions 

Nurtures trust 

Transforms businesses

10 famous films with accountancy related themes

1. Never say never again - An outgoing accountant resolves never again to allow his clients to force him to work crazy hours in January. 
2. 10 things I hate to accrue (starring Heath “Nominal” Ledger) 
3. Schindler’s Listing – A heartbreaking story about Schindler floating his company on the FTSE.
4. Dude! Where’s my FAR? – A comedy about two guys who misplace their Fixed Asset Register. 
5. The Shawshank Exemption – a film about a wrongly convicted banker who helps guards avoid an audit [Bit ironic if you know what it was really about!] 
6. LIFO Pi - An abstract story about an unaccepted accounting estimate stranded on a boat with a tiger.
7. InSSAPtion – A sci-fi blockbuster hit about the implantation of statements of standard accounting practices into one’s subconscious. 
8. Star Wars: Annual Return of the Jedi – Luke Skywalker battles against an evil empire when he discovers they aren’t filing their annual returns with companies house on time. 
9. Accrual intentions – Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a wealthy teenager taking Reese Witherspoon, a naïve student, under her wing to teach her the accruals concept. 
10. An ACA is born - The senior partner of a large firm, encourages the career of a talented young partner who eventually takes over running the firm

Cynical accounting definitions

Accounting standards

A collection of rules designed to restrict the imagination of accountants. Necessary because when no rules are in place, accountants go wild in their attempts to be reasonable. 

Annual report

A compulsory document prepared annually by accountants to describe the brilliant work of top management throughout the year. 

Assets

Items listed on a balance sheet, previously on the left, now at the beginning. Some are current, others non-current. 

Estimated useful life

The number of years of service of an asset as estimated by accountant, always significantly lower than the real useful life of the asset. 

Goodwill

Excess paid above the true value when one business entity purchases another, which accountants consider an asset, even though it represents poor negotiating skills. 

Risk statements

Padding at the beginning of an annual report to make it boring to read, and to discourage readers from reaching the financial statements. 

All credit for these goes to Grant Tait who lists them at the start of his 2024 book "Fun with accountants"