Accountants go crazy - only after the tax deadline of course

The tax on spontaneity we all accept

During a light-hearted discussion about the price of train tickets, Jeremy Hardy said he often doesn't know what he's doing even one day ahead, let alone where he's going to want to go on a train.

Jeremy asked why people who are more prepared than him, and book train tickets in advance, pay less for their train tickets.

David Mitchell interpreted this as a complaint about what could be described as a tax on spontaneity.

From 6 November 2009 episode of the News Quiz on Radio 4

The accounting sheepdog

A farmer sends his accounting sheepdog, Spot, off to gather in his 8 sheep. On returning the farmer is astonished to find he now has 10 animals in his pen and asks the dog to explain.

"You asked me to round them up", barks Spot.

Accounting swear words

The auditing rash

"Doctor, Doctor. Every time I go on an audit I get covered in rashes. What could it be?"


- "Ticks."

An entertaining former Chairman of the Board of Inland Revenue

Sir Nick Montagu was the after dinner speaker at Digita's annual conference last night. He shared some wonderful anecdotes from his days as Chairman of the Board of Inland Revenue (1997-2004).

I bumped into him earlier in the evening and we shared a brief recollection of one of our conversations from my time as Chairman of the ICAEW Tax Faculty (which overlapped with his time at the Revenue). For reasons which will become apparent in a moment I as concerned as to how he would cope when the time came to present his talk.

In the event this is how he started (and he was deadly serious by the way):

" You will have heard plenty of speakers before; some with talent, some without. But never before one without a voice - laryngitis hit me this morning, hence the croak"

He bravely struggled on and entertained the audience despite being only able to do little more than whisper. Fortunately the amplification meant that all could hear him.

Another of his more self-deprecating remarks was that "If you need a cheap clown, look no further than a former Chairman of the Inland Revenue".

He told a number of stories which are probably best not recorded here for posterity. Among those that are safe to share include:

One aggrieved taxpayer, after making a substantial back payment of tax enrolled Nick in a nudist colony - presumably, in the taxpayer's mind as retribution for the Revenue taking the shirt off his back.

We also learned that some sad person had determined that an anagram of "Sir Nicholas Montagu, Chairman of the Inland Revenue" is "He'll receive a mountain of cash, nothing remains". I have resisted the temptation to check it really works!

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?




How many would you like it to be?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?




What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you....

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



Two. One to change it and one to make sure it was done within budget

And lastly, my favourite:

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



One, but he'll have 1500 of them to do on 31st January.

(This response was suggested by Adrian Higgs)