Friday, July 24, 2020

Top accountant characters in films

The Accountant - Ben Afflek plays a man who uses his disorder to balance books for criminals.

The Apartment
 - Jack Lemmon's character CC Baxter introduces himself: "I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861." 

The Closet - French superstar Daniel Autueil plays an accountant who pretends to be gay to keep his job in a condom factory. 

Dave
 - Charles Grodin plays the president's accountant and solves the budget deficit in one overnight session, leaving the White House at dawn in his prudent small car. 

Erotica - the lead character is a bearded and gentlemanly accountant who gets increasingly hung up on a sneaky lap dancer whom he is forbidden to touch. 

Ghostbusters - Rick Moranis is an accountant who, although possessed by evil spirits, asks who does monstrous Sigourney Weaver's tax return. 

Hitch - Kevin James plays tax accountant Albert Brennaman, who woos and wins Amber Valletta just by being his booty-shaking, inhaler-snorting, passionate self. 

Jurassic Park - a weasel accountant spurns Jeff Goldblum's advice and gets devoured by a dinosaur. 

Local hero - Denis Lawson plays Gordon Urquhart, the hotel proprietor who is also the local accountant trusted to meet with the locals on behalf of a Texas oil company that wants to purchase the Scottish fishing village.

Midnight Run - Charles Grodin again. Here he plays an accountant who steals from the rich and gives to the poor . Robert De Niro tracks him down when Grodin jumps bail. 

The Producers - In the original film Zero Mostel ropes accountant Gene Wilder into collaborating with him on a scheme to rip off old ladies. In the remake Nathan Lane persuades Matthew Broderick to abandon his accountancy career in favour of becoming a theatrical producer. 

The Royal Tenenbaums
 - Danny Glover plays accountant Henry Sherman, Angelica Huston's dependable second husband. 

Schindler's List - Ben Kingsley's bespectacled accountant helps save lives. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - Danny Kaye stars as a day-dreaming beancounter. 

The Sea Change - Sean Chapman was to have played a 'handsome, dashing and funny KPMG accountant named Rupert Granger.' The script was later revised to make him a banker - but the original idea led to me being interviewed and performing a magic trick on BBC's Newsnight TV programme.

Shallow Grave - Christopher Eccleston played chartered accountant David Stephens who gets drawn into the grisly goings-on in a shared Edinburgh flat. 

She Devil - Ed Begley Jr plays a sleazeball accountant upon whom Rosanne Barr wreaks a hideous revenge. 

The Untouchables - Charles Martin Smith plays accountant Oscar Wallace and conceives the idea of nabbing Al Capone for tax evasion. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

Popular films remade for accountants (part two)

There are dozens of films about lawyers. Here are some more that could be made about accountants: 
  • The Deductibles 
  • Mary Profits 
  • On Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs Service 
  • Kalamazoolander 
  • Lady Chatterley's Ledger 
  • Raiders of the Lost Audit 
  • The Wizard of Audit 
  • Book Keeping and the Accountant Kid 
  • The Balance of the Lambs 
  • Close Encounters of the Accountant's Kind 
  • Accounting in the Rain 
  • Slumdog Accountant 
  • Some Like it in Credit 
  • Raiders of the Last Audit 
  • The Big Four Strikes Back 
  • Auditbusters 
  • All the President's Bookkeepers 
  • Monty Python and the Accountant's Grail 
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Accountant's Mind

Friday, June 05, 2020

Ten key tax questions for accountants

  1. Why is simplification such a long word? 
  2. Do you have a tax conscience? It's that small inner voice that tells you that the Special Civil Investigation Office will be writing to you. 
  3. If taxes are the answer, what was the question? 
  4. Why is it that HMRC can make 'mistakes' but taxpayers are always negligent? 
  5. Why are tax laws like a Haggis? They are both the the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made. 
  6. Is it true that HMRC believes that the generation of names for random audit is too important to be left to chance? 
  7. Why should we encourage clients to check their tax returns before breakfast? Then nothing worse can happen to them all day. 
  8. Is it really due to taxation, that clients find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits?
  9. Is the Eiffel Tower a warning as to what will happen to Canary Wharf after taxes? 
  10. Has the self assessment system resulted in the UK becoming a land of untold wealth?

Friday, May 22, 2020

Popular films remade for accountants (part one)

There are dozens of films about lawyers. Here are some that could be made about accountants:

  • The Accountant of Monte Cristo 
  • Honey I Shrunk The Balance sheet 
  • Double Entry Indemnity 
  • Abacus Now
  • Dead profits Society
  • Kinky Books
  • Trading (Profit and Loss Account) Places 
  • The Unbearable Lightness of Being Audited 
  • Harry Potter and the Audit of the Phoenix 
  • Tax Returns Of The Jedi 
  • Debbie Does Double Entry Bookkeeping 
  • Abbacus - The Movie 
  • The Offshore Shank Redemption

Friday, May 15, 2020

The purchase ledger accountant's lament

Piles of purchase invoices, in all colours and sizes

Apparently so varied but with very few surprises
The Boss will read them carefully before he authorises
Then it’s my job to process them as my blood pressure rises

I say each number quietly to get it in my brain
And as I type it to the screen I say it once again
The others in the office think my mumbling’s a pain
They say it shows I’m mad, but can I promise you – I’m sane!

Once input to the system I’m so careful where I pile ‘em
Too close to the window, they’ll be gone before I file ‘em
And that would be the end of me, straight off to the asylum…
My loving caring colleagues would be very quick to dial ‘em

So here I am, an invoice clerk until the bitter end
Most of the time I work real hard but sometimes I pretend
I’m living in a different world, with mates and cash to spend
Oh please won’t someone rescue me? I’M GOING ROUND THE BEND!

Written by Sean Kelly.

Friday, May 08, 2020

Is this email too informal for a client?

A recent online exchange between two anonymous accountants made me chuckle:

Accountant 1
Has anyone else noticed that email communication with clients is becoming more personal and less formal?

Accountant 2

Dear [Accountant 1],
I hope you are well.
My emails, like yours, have moved imperceptibly from sublimely formal to ridiculously over-friendly.
Please find attached our fee-note in respect of our professional charges relating to our involvement and commentary upon the matter(s) raised by you; settlement of which is due within seven days. Thank you for using our services, which I trust have been to your satisfaction.
Thank you in anticipation of your timely settlement.
Yours objectively,
Mr ThisIsAsInformalAsIget F.C.A.


Friday, May 01, 2020

Lockdown lingo for accountants

Blue Skype thinking
An accountancy firm's brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. 

Coronadose
An overdose of bad news about clients during a time of crisis. Can result in a “panicdemic”.

The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. Typically either a colleague who has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Quentin Quarantino
A furloughed junior staff member who is using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot
A colleague or client who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.

Antisocial distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for avoiding any contact with colleagues you find irritating.

Tandemic
How you describe the consequence of your colleagues acquiring a sun-kissed glow from working at home in their gardens.

Doom ’n’ Zoom
The feeling spread by the a miserable or pessimistic colleague in a videoconference, aka the “Zoommonger”.

Fattening the curve
The weight that all accountants are gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. 

The interchageable accountant

I love this story of the interchageable accountant. Peter wanted a new accountant. He spent ages asking around his local area and getting po...