10 new theatre shows for accountants

1. There's a SUM thing About Mary - A jolly new musical about the financial realities of raising an infant in biblical times. 
2. Seven loopholes for seven brother accountants 
3. Planes, trains and auditors 
4. A Tax Inspector Calls 
5. Much ado about xero 
6. The Sums of Navarrone 
7. Tax Fiddler on the Roof 
8. 42nd spreadsheet
9. The bookkeeper of Mormon
10. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Auditor

Football and accountancy in one joke?

A local football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.

At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.

On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.

"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".

"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but it's difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".

"What do you do then?" asked the ref.

"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.

At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.

"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - Professional fowl".

Drawing up the hearse and letting them smell the flowers

When I was a partner in a large firm one of my colleagues had an enviable reputation. 

He was a really nice guy and yet was also renowned for his ability to persuade prospective clients that their problems were much worse than they had assumed when they arrived for meetings with him. 

He described his approach as: "Drawing up the hearse and letting them smell the flowers". 

I was reminded of this recently when I was told about one of the Big 4 firms. Apparently they studiously avoid giving any advice during initial meetings with prospective clients. 

I was told: "If you go in knowing nothing, you know nothing more coming out, but you're very, very scared!"

Inspectors of taxes and alligators

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. 

“Do you serve inspectors of taxes?”, he asks the barman. 

“Of course”, says the barman. 

 “Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have an inspector taxes".

Did the accountant teach the old man a lesson?

An old man was selling watermelons. 

His price list reads: 1 for £3 or 3 for £10. 

A young accountant stops by and buys three watermelons, one by one, paying £3 for each. 

As the young accountant walks away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realise I just bought three watermelons for only £9? Maybe business is not your thing." 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach ME how to do business." 

The young accountant heard what the old man said and vowed to never again be so arrogant or stupid. 

He went on to run his own practice and never forgot his watermelon lesson. 

Listen to your clients for they may well know more about their business than you do.

10 maddening things accountants hear from their clients

1. “But you’re an accountant, I’m not supposed to pay any tax if I get you do my Return” 
2. "Can’t you get my tax bill down, I haven’t got the money to pay that” 
3. “So my tax bill is £1k. If I spend £1k, my tax bill is £0, right?“ 
4. "I want to become a company like my mate as now he doesn’t pay any tax" 
5. “I’ve worked like crazy during the last year or so, and you’re asking me to give a chunk to the tax man – not sure why I bothered, now – I might as well get a 9 to 5” 😲 (from someone who achieved his goal of being a first time home-owner as a result of such “bothering“) 
6.  “I heard from that guy on TV (we all know who that is, don’t we?) that if I did X,Y or Z it would get rid of my tax bill” 
7. "But my friend doesn't put cash sales on his tax return" 
8. "But why should I have to pay tax? I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school"
9. "But Dave down the pub told me you can just borrow money from your company and not pay any tax on it" 
10. "But my friend said she claims expenses on all her food at work on her tax return"

Why do accountants.....?

Google suggests the most common search phrases that start 'Why do accountants...?  

Why do accountants wear visors?

Why do accountants use brackets for negative numbers?

Why do accountants earn so much?

Why do accountants use spreadsheets?

Why do accountants make so much money?

Why do accountants make so little?

Why do accountants use excel?

Why do accountants exist?

Why do accountants make good lovers?