Matt Hancock to appear in new show: Accounting with the Stars

Politicians, actors and other 'selebs' have been queuing up in the hope of getting a steady job in accountancy via the latest talent show that producers hope will top the TV ratings. 

"I always had this secret dream that I might one day work in some area of financial management" said an excited MP, "but this TV show means that at last there is the chance that my dreams might come true…" she said as she practised her audition piece with her calculator and spreadsheet.

"Ever since I was a kid I used to practise accountancy in my bedroom…’ confessed a popular TV actor, whose identity we are protecting until his participation is confirmed. "I sent a few tables of some projected expenses into all the big firms, but even though they kept rejecting me, I always believed I had the financial acumen and auditing skills to make my dreams come true."

"This means the whole world to me" wept another 'seleb', after being told that she had been shortlisted for the show.  Decisions have yet to be made as to who will be the judges. 

Expectations are high that one judge will end up being accused of being too brutal with some of the accountancy hopefuls. 

Imagine if Matt Hancock MP was to take part and causing one of the judges to shout: "You call that deductible!" and forcing him to tear up his illegible receipts from some Australian gift shop. "Forget it Matt. You’ll never make it as an accountant; you’ll just be a laughing stock ex-MP for the rest of your life".

Popular accounting terms - redefined

 Profit – A chief executive who gives the accountant the bottom-line.

Debtor – A high society fillies’ coming out trip.

Corporation Tax – A levy on people with large stomachs.

Turnover – The number of times customers are fooled into buying your product.

Budget – A caged bird that can fly through the sound barrier.

Expended – Exhausted from all that shopping.

Drawings – The creative art of taking money from your business.

Stock-take – Counting the number of items taken home from work without payment.

Book-keeping – Those books not given to the accountant.

Fixed Cost – Size of required bribe.

Cost Accounting – Size of accountants' bill.

Liability – A gift for telling the opposite of the truth without detection.

And finally –

Asset – A complete collection of posteriors.

With many thanks to Rod Wilson of RWA Ltd Accountants (Rod tells me that RWA = Really Wicked Accountants)

The overly ambitious aspirational trainee accountant

 The young accountancy graduate, fresh out of university and knowing everything, applied for his first job in a large firm of accountants.

The partner interviewing him asked what starting salary he was looking for.

The young man replied: “Around £100,000 a year, plus usual benefits.”

The partner responded: “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 15% non contributory pension, reimbursed expenses - no questions asked, free attendance at an overseas conference every year with your partner, all mobile and home telephone bills reimbursed, gym membership, Friday night entertainment and a company car replaced every 20,000 miles, say a Mercedes convertible.”

The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”

Which earned the response: “I'm afraid so, but you started it.”

How to make HMRC 'Quite Interesting' (QI TV prog)

BBC TVs QI comedy panel show once focused on the 'Inland Revenue'. (Series I Episode 10)

Some of the stories are worth repeating on this blog:

The world's most exotic tax inspectors are in Pakistan. If you refuse to pay your tax you are shamed into paying it by receiving a visit from a team of tax inspectors who are all transgender. They would then sing and dance in your place of business until you paid up. 

In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

Sandi Toksvig once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

Dara O'Briain recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

Dara himself once tried to claim for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

NB: This episode was first broadcast in 2011 and clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that HMRC took over from the Inland Revenue 6 years earlier in April 2005. 

The episode was hosted by Stephen Fry with Alan Davies and guests Al Murray, Dara O'Briain and Sandi Toksvig.  

10 song titles reworked for accountants

1. 2 4 6 8 what do we depreciate?
2. Debit to the left of you, credit to the right, stuck in the balance-sheet with you 
3. We can work it out 
4. Let's get digital 
5. The windfall taxes of my mind 
6. I would do anything for love but I won't do VAT 
7. I can't get no Corps Taxation 
8. Living by numbers 
9. Spreadsheet a little happiness 
10.  Anything by Johnny Cash Basis

The accountant's survival kit

You can buy these online - containing a mix of any or all of the following:

1. Boiled sweets - to crunch and give you energy to crunch the numbers
2. Piece of string - to help you tie up loose ends
3. Ace of Spades - so you can make the most of any hand you are dealt
4. Tea bag - for when you get into hot water
5. Safety pin - to help you pin point problems areas
6. Paper clip - to help you hold it all together
7. Marbles - to replace the ones you will lose
8. Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible about things
9. Mint - so you will always have a fresh outlook
10. Candle - for when you're burning the midnight oil
11. Matches - for the candle
12. Googly eyes - to help you spot any mistakes
13. Balloon - to remind you to always reach for the sky
14. Button - for those times you may need to button your lip
15. Needle and thread - for the button
16. Hair grip - for when you need to get a grip
17. Soft drink in a can - to have a drink on me at the end of a long day

Alternative names for HMRC

Back in 2004 the FT asked its readers to come up with a name for the merging departments of the Inland Revenue and Customs & Excise. The merger took effect from April 2005 since when the organisation has been known as HMRC or HM Revenue & Customs or simply The Revenue. Plenty in the media and in Parliament have also continued to refer to the body, incorrectly, as the Inland Revenue - as if the last 7 years had never happened).

The winning entry in the FT's competition was suggested by Ed Troup, who is now Director General Tax and Welfare at HM Treasury. He suggested: Finance Collection UK though it would have been known by its initials, were they not already in use by the retail chain French Connection.

 Other suggestions included:

• iTax 
• Taxes R Us

With the benefit of 7 years experience, what abbreviations or names might be more appropriate now if The Revenue was to go for a rebrand?

Those I've seen suggested recently include:

• As an acronym HMRC is HoMewReCker!
• Department of National Financing 
• Department of National Funding 
• Department of Social Financing
• Duties, Income Levies, Deductions, Operations (but that might have some initial problems)
• DRC = Department for Revenue Collection
• P I N C H - Processing Income Now Creates Help (...for tomorrow) 
• Crown Revenue Service 
• British Revenue Services 

Any more?