Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

You know you need a new accountant when....

• Your Accountant begins the initial interview with "When I was in prison..." 
• After completing your tax return showing a balance due of £3,000, your Accountant asks for it in cash. 
• You see your Accountant on TV. On Crimewatch 
•  Your Accountant thinks "amortisation" is Italian for "making love". 
•  Every time you visit Your Accountant in their office, they're smoking a joint. 
• Your Accountant tells you "You probably won't go to jail for this, but..." 
• Your Accountant is also a Lawyer, and is representing your partner in the divorce proceedings. 
• Your Accountant tells you he hasn't filed his own tax return in years 
• Your Accountant seems to have a cold all year long....and powder residue on his desk 
• Your Accountant is just happy to hear from you - even if it is at the end of January!

10 scary tax movies for Halloween

1. Tax Return of the Living Dead 
2. Silence of the ledgers 
3. Friday 31st January 
4. Rosemary's Bookkeeper
5. The Taxorcist 
6. Auditor Dogs 
7. VATman begins 
8. Psycho tax inspector 
9. Phantom of the Tax Office 
10. Little shop of HMRC 

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant 

How to account for your loss of interest? 

How to analyse your manner strange? 

Tell me truly of my errors: 

Narrate the reasons for this change. 

Your company and loving presence 

I value over all else on earth. 

If some goodwill can now be shown 

I venture we’ll see love’s rebirth. 

Reconciliation swift I now am seeking: 

This current impasse leaves me tense. 

Do not discount my urgent pleading: 

Do not keep me in suspense. 

 Dennis Flynn

Is the glass half full or half empty?

 Is the glass half full or half empty?

To the optimist, the glass is half full. 

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.  

To many accountants, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

To the realist, it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more. 

Anyway, instead of describing the glass they are more interested in drinking whatever it contains. 

And the older accountants who stop the debate and simply add whisky to the glass. They also point out you should never ask if the glass is half full or half empty. The question misses the point. The glass is refillable. And, anyway, why bother with the glass if you can find the bottle/jug?

The King and HMRC

It is not well known that the King is a keep fit enthusiast and insists on all of his gym equipment being laid out in exactly the same way ahead of each training session. 

When he can't make it he pays a small fine. 

The sign on the palace gym door reads: HM Customs and Exercise.