Public Accounts Committee interviews Trevor Wooley - MOD

During the Commons Public Accounts Committee (PAC) hearing on the privatisation of QinetiQ, 3 December 2007, the Committee invited the Ministry Of Defence’s Trevor Woolly in for questioning.

What follows is an extract of a verbatim exchange at the start of his interview:

MR RICHARD BACON MP (CON, S. NORFOLK): Mr Woolley, are you a chartered accountant?
MR WOOLLEY: I am not.
BURTON: Are you a qualified financial person of any kind? Do you have any financial qualifications?
WOOLLEY: I do not have financial qualifications
BURTON: What is your job?
WOOLLEY: I am the finance director of the Ministry of Defence.

Classic!

Christmas puzzle

Imagine you are walking down the street late on Christmas eve when you think you see, ahead of you, three characters: A sweet natured, happy and helpful tax inspector, an aggressive, unpleasant and uncommercial tax inspector and a large jolly Father Christmas. As you watch them, you see them stop outside a bank where someone seems to have left a pile of cash just lying around.

Which of the 3 characters do you see picking up the cash and why?





At the risk of confirming unfair stereotypes. The answer is:The nasty horrible tax inspector - as the other two don't really exist!

Tax themed Christmas carol

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Hated paying NIC
Went to a sharp adviser
Paid the man a hefty fee

He told the other reindeer
You should do the same as me
Go and see my adviser
Get yourself an MSC

Then one foggy Christmas eve, the taxman came to say:
"Your idea was not so bright
You owe tax, you're banged to rights"

So all the deer were bankrupt
Didn't have a bean they said
Now taxman's after Santa
He'll be really in the red.

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly and
first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Christmas carols (1)

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh 

For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais 

To you we're wise, 

you've dodged excise, 

We've tailed you all the way. 

You're go-o- ing to pris-i-on old boy! 

Oh what a joy! 

You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy! 

Written by Chris Williams and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Pre Nuptial agreement for trainee accountants

A summary of the first few questions asked:
1- Who gets custody of the calculator?
2- Who gets first use of the calculator?
3- What Accounting practice are we going to work for?
4- What are we going to be, Accountants or Auditors?
5- or for the more adventurous… Who's going to be the Accountant and who's going to be the Auditor? (This type of marriage is a 'separate bedroom job')

A little dated but new to me anyway

Definition of an Accountant....A walking, talking calculator

Definition of a very expensive calculator… anything that moves at any of the big four firms of accountants

Enron, WorldCom and Parma lat… The Accounting Profession's version of the old adage 'waiting ages for a bus and 3 turn up at once'

Little Girl (pre nursery) to her Mummy after hearing about the Enron, WorldCom and Parmalat shenanigans…Mummy, Mummy, I wanna be an accountant... hush, hush little one, go over there and play with your calculator

Same little girl to her mummy…. Mummy if I play with my calculator will I become an accountant …with plenty of practice you might do

What's the 1st entry on every accountant's birthday/Christmas prezzie wish list…? A new calculator

The same little girl to her mummy… Mummy, mummy…I've had plenty of practice on my calculator… can I work for PWC… Little one, you'll have to wait a few years, I'm not sure if they are hiring straight from pre nursery… I'll tell you what though, I'll get your father to draw up a professional looking certificate saying that you're a qualified calculator user, I'll send that off to PWC… and we'll see what they say

Revenge of the Taxpayer

I have just noticed this book on my shelves. I bought it long before I started this blog and have yet to plunder it for suitable material.

It is a privately published collection of anecdotes and humorous stories about income tax, accountants and suchlike from celebrities and public figures in aid of the Meningitis Trust a registered charity (number 803016).

An ideal gift for anyone you know who hates paying tax. This £6 book contains contributions from about 80 celebrities. Also included are some of the better known quotes and other tales from accountants, taxpayers and Inland Revenue officials.

Here's a link to the Revenge of the Taxpayer website which contains details of how to aquire your own copy.