A quick thinking junior accountant

Some years back a trainee accountant joined the headquarters of a large firm. He was a graduate of a top University and thought rather highly of himself.

On his first day he dialled the canteen and shouted into the phone, “Get me some coffee, quick!”

The voice from the other side responded “You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?”

“No”, replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Partner, you fool!” The voice shouted back.

The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully, “And do you know who you’re talking
to, you fool?”

“No”, replied the Managing Partner.

“Good”, said the trainee as he hung up.

Just as well this was long before we all had trackable direct dial extension numbers and caller display!

Why are accountants.....?

You know how Google offers you suggestions as to what others have searched for with the same opening words as you have typed in the search box?

Here are some screen shots of what Google suggested for 3 searches starting: "Why are accountants..."

I especially like the fact that there's only one common question starting: Why are accountants always..."

Which is your favourite?

My thanks to David Lewis for prompting me about this, following a similar experiment conducted by Adrian Pearson.

Dr Who once did tax returns satire

There was 4 part story called  The Sunmakers broadcast during Tom Baker's time as the Doctor. At the start of the first episode the Doctor encounters a character contemplating suicide because he can't afford to pay his taxes. The Doctor assures him he just needs a good accountant.

Most of the corridors in The Sunmakers were named after UK tax forms (circa 1977), as the story was intended as a satire of contemporary British taxes.

Why did the Accountant fall off his bed?.

Why did the Accountant fall off his bed?.........

........ He didn't have a balance sheet

Why is collecting fish like collecting taxes?

A few years back a TV reporter, Jonathan Maitland, explained that the art of angling involves 3 things:

• Attention to detail;
• Organisation; and ultimately, sadly,
• A touch of brutality

"Not unlike the art of tax collecting"

Top five worst tax return expense claims

HMRC has published a list of what they describe as the Top five worst tax return expense claims.

These are, apparently, the five most outrageous personal expenses claims included in 2013-14 Self Assessment tax returns.

1. The costs for storing Mars Bars overnight in a fridge.
2. The cost of a pair of flip flops so I don’t have to walk barefoot between my work’s changing and shower rooms.
3. The costs for my intimate waxing. 
4. I bought a second hand car to get me from home to work so I didn’t have to walk. 
5. I purchased my own flat, so I need to claim back the money I spent on the furniture. 

I can't help but wonder how many of these were inspired by reports of claims about the expenses that MPs have claimed in the past!

Why is an income tax return like a girdle?

Q: Why is an income tax return like a girdle?

A: If you put the wrong figure in it, you are likely to get pinched.