It pays to make good recommendations

An accountant has been advising an eminent Emir on his domicle status. The Arab aristocrat complained of back pain so the accountant recommended a brilliant young chiropractor he knows and who then visits the Emir in his London hotel.

Although the Emir had been in agony the chiropractor's phenomenal skills at soothing angry vertebrae quickly brought some relief. And after a week of daily treatment the Emir was fully recovered.

The young chiropractor has no idea what fee to charge so he asks the accountant who recommended his to the Emir. "What should I do? Treat him for free as an honoured visitor, or would that be insulting? Should I ask him for my normal fee even though he can afford vastly more or should i just charge a round figure, say £2,000 which I know he can well afford?

The accountant says, "try this - send him your fee note but leave the amount blank. Simply write across the top of you bill the words: "The Emir is always fair".

Within a month the chiropractor received a cheque from the Emirate's exchequer or £50,000! He phoned the accountant at once to tell him the god news and to thank him.

The next day the young man received an invoice from the accountant for his advice. The amount had been left blank and across the top of the bill were the words: "The Chiropractor is always fair".

Adapted from an old Bob Monkhouse story included in his book: "Just say a few words"

Seinfeld was as bad as Monty Python re accountants

Imaginary explanations of financial related acronyms

• DEBITS = Desperate Executives Broken by Insider Trading
• EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor
• EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering
• LOMBARD = Lots Of Money But A Right Dick
• CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
• NABRO = Not Another Bloody Regulatory Organisation 
• NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation
• EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence
• FRS = Fantasy Reporting Standards
• P/E = Parole Entitlement
• FIMBRA = Federation of Investment Malpractitioners and Big-time Rip-off Artists
• ISA = Interesting Savings Alternative
• ASB = Adding-up Silly Balances

Any more?

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

1. You can't wait to do your own tax return.
2. You think the GAP store sells accounting standards.
3. You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
4. You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
5. You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
6. You double underline your mother's name when preparing her death notice.
7. You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
8. You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
9. You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
10. You use the term "value added" with a straight face.
11. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
12. You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
13. You aren't sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
14. Your idea of "absolute terror" is an unbalanced T account.
15. Your idea of "creativity" is a one-sided journal entry.

A satirical 1930 income tax calculation including tax relief for a wife and goldfish

The WSJ published this simple formula for computing how much income tax one of its readers had to pay in 1930:

• Dependents: one blonde wife, a sedan car, three goldfish and two children.
• Multiply grandfather's age by 6 7/8, subtracting your telephone number.
• Add hat size and subtract license plate number.

With these preliminaries done, the rest is easy.

• Deduct $1,000 for keeping wife a blonde the whole year, divide the remainder by number of lodges belonged to, multiply by number of electric lights in house, and divide by collar size, giving gross income, which, after dividing by chest measurement and subtracting blood pressure, leaves net amount owed to government.

According to News from 1930

Sometimes it just takes strong persuasion skills

A few years back a man walked into a restaurant with his young son..

He gave the young boy three 50p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

After a while the boy started choking and going blue in the face....
The father realised that his son had swallowed the coins so he starts slapping the child on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 50p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly... tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 50ps, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm a tax investigation specialist with HMRC...'

Accountant gets shopped by her children

An accountant shared this true story on Linkedin:

I was shopping in Asda with my daughters on Sunday. We had to pick up a few things and whilst there, I remembered that I needed batteries for the business. 

When we were walking round I explained to the girls that we would need to pay separately i.e. (personal purchases on the personal card, business purchases on the business card). 

So we get to the self service check out and one of my girls asks again, why we had to pay separately. 

My youngest daughter shouts back in the loudest voice... “she’s going to put it through the company” 

And everyone within a 30ft radius turned round and looked at me, like I was about to conduct some sophisticated tax fraud. 

Laura Taylor, the accountant concerned, then added:

If you were in Asda Glenrothes on Sunday - my batteries were wholly and exclusively for business purposes!