Taxing the Toffs

In light of current disputes as to who warrants being ennobled, I am reminded of a suggestion I heard in 2008.

A progressive system should be based on taxation. Acceptance of a title such as a peerage might command a 10 per cent surcharge on the higher rate of tax.

Lesser honours might command a lower rate of tax.

Honours would remain accessible to all in society but only funded by those who passed a certain financial threshold.

This annual “toff tax” would be a lucrative way for the state (not the party) to collect revenue to fund the political infrastructure we demand but will not fund ourselves.

It will also allow those honoured to proclaim publicly their loyalty to the nation that honours them.

Extract from a letter on 17 May 2008 letters page of the FT sent in by James Brooke Turner, London SW2 3TA

Why it's best to ski with accountants...

Why is it best to ski with accountants?

Becuase there's safety in numbers.

Tax evasion at the movies

Film titles adapted to suggest tax evasion related topics:

• Fatal Deduction
• Force Ten Grand from Navarone
• Returns of the Pink Panther 
• Ocean's P11D 
• Shawshank Tax Redemption 
• The Accountant of Monte Cristo 
• The Italian (cash in hand) job 
• Von Ryan's Expenses 
• A Tax Inspector Calls 
• Evasion of the Bodysnatchers 
• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Evasion But Were Afraid to Ask 
• Friends with Benefits-in-Kind 
• Fiddler on the Roof (ok this one didn't need adapting!)

Any more?

10 imaginative excuses for late tax returns and expense claims

Every year, HMRC receives some imaginative excuses and expense claims following the 31 January Self Assessment deadline.

HMRC has just highlighted 10 of the most weird and wonderful excuses and expense claims they have received from taxpayers over the last 10 years.

The questionable expenses claims for item are:

• caravan rental for the Easter weekend 
• £4.50 for sausage and chips meal expenses for 250 days
• a music subscription so I can listen to music while I work
• pet food for a Shih Tzu ‘guard dog’ 

And the excuses are:

• I was up a mountain in Wales, and couldn’t find a post box or get an internet signal 
• my dog ate the post … again
• my hamster ate my post 
• I’ve been cruising round the world in my yacht, and only picking up post when I’m on dry land
• a DJ was too busy with a party lifestyle – spinning the deck….in a bowls club 
• my mother-in-law is a witch and put a curse on me 

All the excuses and expenses listed above were unsuccessful.

Merry gentlemen - Reworked carol as sung by HMRC

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh
For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais
To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,
We've tailed you all the way.
You're go-o-ing to pris-i-on old boy!
Oh what a joy!
You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Is this the best non-reference given when an accountant moves to a new job?

Many years ago I was told this was true story by John Newth, when he was Deputy Editor of Taxation magazine.

Herbert had worked for a well-known accountancy firm for some years, but had realised his career prospects there were limited. After a number of interviews with other firms he managed to secure a job offer that he was keen to accept.

He asked the firm he was leaving for a reference with the phrase 'very satisfied' in it.

The partner concerned took this as an opportunity to be very truthful. He sent out a reference that stated that Herbert had worked for the firm for X years, and that the partners were very satisfied that he was now leaving and had found another position.

Sadly I don't know what happened there after. We might expect that the job offer was rescinded and that Herbert remained at his old firm. The law of unintended consequences perhaps?

Who came came first? The accountants or the tax inspectors?

An accountant and a tax inspector were having a drink and a chat away from their respective offices.

They started discussing who was part of the more noble profession - accountants or tax inspectors. After a few drinks and various arguments they agreed the most noble profession was whichever had been around the longest.

The accountant, convinced he'd won, quoted the bible. He said:

Even before God created Adam he created an orderly universe from chaos. An orderly universe implies the involvement of accountants to monitor and keep track of developments. By definition some of the angels must have been accountants. There were no taxes, so no tax inspectors around that early in human history.

The tax inspector wasn't beaten. He listened patiently and then simply said: "Who do you think created the chaos?"