My Career Crossroads: CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork

Years after qualifying as a chartered accountant, I met a woodworker whose craftsmanship was beautiful to behold.

While admiring his dovetails, I mentioned, somewhat proudly, that, years earlier, I had secured a CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork. 

Back in the day, we were told that was equivalent to an O-Level. Big stuff. 

He raised an eyebrow. “I used to teach Design & Technology,” he said. 

I confessed I’d failed DT but clung to the woodwork win and still had the table I had made in the exam. By then though it was in the loft as my wife wasn't keen to have it out.

The craftsman asked if I had continued with my interest in woodwork.

I explained that I had not. Instead I went on to qualify as an accountant and that no one in the profession had ever seemed that interested in my CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork. 

Without missing a beat, he replied: “Shame. You could’ve made a beautiful abacus.” 

But the time had passed.

ps: I'm now wondering if it was purely a coincidence that the firm I trained with was called 'Wood & Co'.

Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner

I’m been a judge for many Accountancy awards. The dinners and award parties are often spoiled by latecomers. Love their names (inspired by the radio show, 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue'

• Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb 
• Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud 
• The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line... 
• The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping 
• Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex) 
• Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con. 
• From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
• Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee 
• All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex 
• Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un 
• Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'. 
• Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows. 

10 alternative Job Titles for Accountants

1. Anxiety Transfer Expert – because your panic is our spreadsheet
2. Business Continuity Practitioner – making sure your cash flow doesn’t flatline
3. Numbers Facilitator – like a counsellor, but with pivot tables
4. Finance Doctor – diagnosis: terminally overdrawn
5. Money Multiplier – no rabbits, just receipts
6. MANIAC (Money And Numbers Inspector And Counter) – the acronym that audits itself
7. Cash Whisperer – fluent in the secret language of HMRC and petty cash
8. Revenue Therapist – tell me where it hurts (and show me the P&L)
9. The Profit Prophet – we see margin in your future
10. Cash Flow Curator – we don’t create liquidity, we just make it look nice

Credits: MANIAC devised by Adrian Markey, Finance Doctor inspired by Mark Allen, Business continuity practitioner by Kris McCulloch and Money multiplier by Michelle Eshkeri

The Plumber & the Self-Assessment Saga

Plumber: “Right, be honest — how bad is it if I’ve not done any bookkeeping since last April?”

Accountant: “Bad. But fixable. Like a leaky tap.”

Plumber: “What if it’s a full-blown burst pipe situation?”

Accountant: “Then I charge emergency call-out rates. Only joking. Mostly.”

Plumber: “Fair. I’ve clogged up the admin. Time to flush it out.”

Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…

• I can’t relax in a café if I can see the till is open too long.

• My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.

• I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.

• I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.

• My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”

• I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.

• I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.

• I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction 

• Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back! 

• I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad 

•  When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.

• I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.

 

Why is accountancy like Wimbledon?

• Some clients treat tax returns like Wimbledon — show up once a year and expect applause.If an accountant played tennis, they'd challenge every point. With supporting documentation. 
• Tennis has unforced errors. So do self-assessment submissions in January. 
• They say accountants are like tennis players — Always trying to serve clients better. 
• Accountants are like line judges at Wimbledon — always watching the margins.
• Tennis has net play. Accountants have net pay. 
• In tennis, losing players still get applause. In accountancy, they get investigated.
• Most people hear “love 40” and think tennis. Accountants hear it and think “my work-life balance.”

How to describe a glass that's half full/empty

To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty

To the optimist, it’s 1/2 full

To Excel, it is 1st February. (Jan 2nd in the US)

To an AI chatbot, there isn't enough data to describe that

To a recruiter, it's not enough - as you deserve a glass that’s always full

To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be