Valentine messages for the accountant in your life

Debits are left
Credits are right
When I looked at you
Love at first sight.

----

I’d adjust any entry
To keep us aligned,
Because in the ledger of love,
You’re one of a kind.

----

Without you, my life would be like a one-sided journal entry - unbalanced and incomplete.

----

Let’s capitalise on our love and carry it forward forever.

----

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My heart’s net profit
Will always be you.

Popular Google searches about tax

Listed below are some of the suggestions from Google based on popular searches 

Why is tax.... 

                 ... so high in the uk? 

                 ... year April to April?

                 ... important? 

                 ... law so complicated?

                 ... reform needed?

                 ... deducted at source?

                 ... theft?

                 ... avoidance legal?

                 ... avoidance unethical?

                 ... going digital?

What is tax...

                 ... deductible?   

                 ... planning?

                 ... residency?

                 ... relief?

                 ... on savings?

                 ... on capital gains?

                 ... on gifts?

                 ... for self employed?

                 ... avoidance?   

                 ... evasion?   

Famous classic films remade especially for accountants

Star Wars: Tax Return of the Jedi

Double Entry Indemnity, shown with: Double Insolvency

Journal to the Centre of the Earth

Abridged Too Far

Audit About Eve, and the follow up: Auditors of the Lost Ark

Trial balance of the century

VAT on a Hot Tin Roof

Evasion of the income snatchers

Far From the Adding Crowd

The Returns Of The Pink Panther

The Jungle Bookkeeper

Close enough encounters

Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom

Fatal subtraction, and the sequel: Fatal deduction

Why do people leave filing their tax returns to the last minute?

As we approach the 31 January filing deadline for filing personal self assessment tax returns, I asked a few taxpayers why they leave things to the last minute. A selection of their replies follows: 

Flights to Panama are cheaper in January. 

I've made HMRC my best and only deal available. It's their choice to either accept it, walk away, or it's no deal.

Fear of figures 

My girlfriend said she'd do it for me 

HMRC = Hold Money Past Christmas, I Have Many Reliefs to Claim or Hope My Rebate Comes 

I know exactly when the last minute is. The first minute though...? 

If it wasn't for the last minute I'd never get anything done. 

I've got plenty of time as the last minute isn't due for another 4 or 5 billion years.

Are accountants the best patients for surgeons to operate on?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 

 The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and backside are interchangeable."

10 popular songs inspired by tax avoiders

1. It’s My Tax (And I’ll Dodge If I Want To) – (inspired by It’s My Life by Bon Jovi) 
2. Uptown Tax Dodge – (inspired by Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars) 
3. Offshore (A Place Where My Money Goes) – (inspired by Somewhere Only We Know by Keane) 
4. Blurred Tax Lines – (inspired by Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke) 
5. I Will Declare Nothing – (inspired by I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor) 
6. We Found Tax Havens In A Hopeless Place – (inspired by We Found Love by Rihanna) 
7. Money Don’t Lie (But I Might) – (inspired by Hips Don’t Lie by Shakira) 
8. She Works Offshore For The Money – (inspired by She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer) Tax Me Maybe – (inspired by Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen) 
9. Can’t Get This Tax Out Of My Head – (inspired by Can’t Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue) 
10. Nothing Compares 2 Tax-Free Income – (inspired by Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor) 

7 Christmas Cracker jokes for accountants

 What's the biggest overhead in Santa's accounts? 

- Private Elf care 

What’s an accountant’s favourite Christmas carol?
- Debit bells, debit bells, debits all the way!

Why does Santa pay so little tax? 

- He claims Gift Relief (Gift Aid would've been funnier) 

What is the employment tax status of Santa’s helpers? 

- Elf-employed

Why are accountants terrible at Christmas charades?
They insist on doing a full disclosure before acting anything out.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? 

- Net Present Value. 

Why did Santa get in trouble with the tax man?

- He missed the deadline on his elf-assessment.