### 'Born to the m-i-i-i-i-i-ld' (To the tune of Steppenwolf's 'Born to be Wild')

Calculator running
Totalling invoices
Looking at debentures
And all other finance choices

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

Some find accounts frightnin’
Leaves them full of wonder
All of these expenses
Just what heading are they under?

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

All prop-er-ly filed
I was born, born to be mild
Tax returns so sly
I make the taxman cry

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Calculator running
Totalling invoices
Looking at debentures
And all other finance choices

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

All properly filed
I was born, born to be mild
Tax returns so sly
I make the taxman cry

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Words by accountant and poet: Stephen Brown Audio version can be heard here.

### How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

How many would you like it to be?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you....

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to make sure it was done within budget

And lastly, my favourite:

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he'll have 1500 of them to do on 31st January.

(This response was suggested by Adrian Higgs)

### Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client…

### Ken Dodd and the Inland Revenue

The comedian Ken Dodd, was prosecuted for tax evasion in 1989 as has been mentioned on this blog before, here and here. I'd love to find a clip of him talking about it in his act. For now though here are a couple of references to comments he makes about the experience.

He is known to introduce himself as a “failed accountant”. That, he explains, is simply to establish a rapport with the audience. “People today are all stressed out about home economics, and accountants are the current bogeymen. [Since when?]

Dodd is the butt of a lot of his material and repeated references are made to his love of money, his dislike of what he insists on calling the Inland Revenue and his past run-in with them. “They sent me a self-assessment form the other day. To me! I invented self-assessment.”

During the trial it was revealed that Dodd had very little money in his bank account. He did however have £336,000 in cash stashed in suitcases in his attic. When asked by the judge, "What does a…