Internal auditors can miss the obvious.

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.

Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the auditor went up to him and said, “Look, I’ve left the company, I’m not interested in taking it any further and I won’t shop you, but I just have to know. What were you nicking?”

And the bloke said “Tarpaulins.”

Searching for an accountant

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?”

The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.

5 more accounting quickies

My accountant printed this year's balance sheet in colour - red.

What's the definition of unlikely?
- A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
- Those who can count and those who can't.

A fool and his money are soon audited

Accounting: a collection of figures running around looking for an argument

10 things an accountant would never say

Not sure I agree with them all. What about you?

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:

• How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
• The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
• I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
• A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

20 songs for accountants going on holiday

The following playlist is drawn from suggestions made by non-accountants on my facebook feed.
There's a distinct monetary theme but some inventive alternatives too.

1. Money, that's what I want - Flying Lizards
2. Leaving on a (budget-approved) Jet Plane- John Denver
3. Ticket to Ride - A nice emailed copy for the accountants - The Beatles
4. Do you know the way to (reclaim the cost of travel to) San Jose? - Dionne Warwick ACA
5. The Balance - The Moody Blues
6. Taxman - The Beatles
7. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks ("The taxman's taken all my dough, And left me in my stately home")
8. We can work it out - The Beatles
9. Money - Pink Floyd
10. Colour by Numbers (album) - Culture Club
11. Money's too tight to mention - Simply (in the) Red
12. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits
13. Get up (I feel like Being a Tax Machine) - James Brown ACA
14. I can't get no tax-isfaction - The Rolling Stones
15. The Final Countdown - Europe
16. Chasing Payments - Adele
17. Money money money - Abba
18. (Making Tax) Digital - Joy Division
19. Take the Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
20. Price tag - Jessie J

Plus two bonus tracks:

• A song for January: Under Pressure - Queen
• My favourite though, suggested by William Buist who knows I'm a bit of an acronymaniac, was: 24 hours to TULSA (Tally Up Long Standing Accounts). 

Many thanks to everyone who contributed to this list: Lee Hathaway, Kapil Kapur, Rod Sloane, Penny Haslam,  Mark Wingfield, Michelle Lubzianski, David Lewis, David Hyner, Andy Lopata, Shelley Bridgman, Cindy-Michelle Waterfield, Dave Sumner-Smith, Spyros Melaris, Andrew (Bernie) Bernard, William Buist.

Alan Partridge is panicked by the taxman

Best bits are in the first 3.5 minutes before he goes out to see his builder.

Imagine if unqualified accountants were like street walkers....

This video references Street Accountants suggesting they have taken over parts of London performing accounting services out in the open for everyone to see. It's actually an Australian parody.

To give you an idea of what to expect it includes the quotes:

I give my client what real accountants can't.

I'm a street accountant, I work the streets.

How about a little numbers action?

I've got certain financial needs and they can service them for me.

Used calculators, dirty balance sheets, sharpened pencils all left lying around.

The police can't do anything unless they catch them performing accounting services on the street

I've left my chartered accountant for ever. I want to be your only client.

Are the police working for HMRC now?

A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

 "I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

 "Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

 "What for?!" retorted the man.

 "Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

Share scheme advice from a 3 year old!

It may be an advert but it's very engaging and clever!

This one is for American accountants only...

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?'

"Daddy says you're a CPA."

"That's right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?"

"Well, he says you're a Complete Pain in the Arse."

Advising fishermen on business structure

When the fisherman asked the accountant "How should I set up my business?", the accountant replied “As a sole trader of course.”

The fisherman replied "Sounds like a good plaice to start!"

I'm here all week....

Contraception and tax investigations

Now there's a combination of ideas you don't come across every day.

A hunky accountant and an attractive lady tax inspector have developed a strong attraction for each other such that they arrange to go off to a hotel to satisfy their lust.

When the subject of contraception is raised the accountant gets a first hand lesson in the difference between neglect, wilful default and fraud - as explained by the tax inspector:

It would be neglect if you said you'd forgotten to bring one;
It would be wilful default if you refused to wear one that I've brought with me; and
It would be fraud if you told me that you've had the op!

How often do HMRC get messages like this?

Message apparently left on local HMRC office answerphone:

"Hello - there's a minicab company operating from Ottingham Road, Pinner that has loads of unroadworthy cabs. You should take a look"

Doh! HMRC is the Inspector of Taxes NOT Taxis !

Bob Newhart's quotes about accounting

American funny man Bob Newhart originally trained to be an accountant.

He explains that when attempting reconciliations he reckoned that:

"as long as you got within two or three bucks of it, you were all right. But that didn’t catch on … At the end of the day I had to balance the petty cash with the slips—every time you give out money you had to get a slip. It had to balance. Well, I’d be there for three or four hours tying to figure out where the last dollar or dime went to. So finally I’d just take it out of my pocket and I’d put it in. If there were two dollars leftover, I’d take it out … And they told me you can’t do that. You gotta find it. I said, “you’re paying me five dollars an hour to find two cents—it doesn’t make sense.” So I wasn’t a very good accountant."

His 1988 biography quotes Newhart as saying that if he hadn’t taken a gamble with comedy he would still be an accountant:

“Keep in mind, when I started in the late fifties, I didn’t say to myself, ‘Oh, here’s a great void to fill—I’ll be a balding ex-accountant who specializes in low-key humor.’ That’s simply what I was and that’s the direction my mind always went in, so it was natural for me to be that way.” 

Other accountancy related quotes attributable to Bob include:

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try. 

Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, I believe at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, 'You really aren't cut out for accounting. 

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant. 

The truth is, I look like an accountant, which was my trouble. I looked the part of an accountant, so I’d get hired as an accountant even though I got my degree in management.”

Accounting films #MakeAfilmAccounting

Following the hashtag #MakeAfilmAccounting on twitter revealed the following fun suggestions:

A long time ago in an accountant’s office far, far away…was the movie: The Annual Return of the Jedi
@sageuk

Mad Tax
@Muffhouse

The classic accounting tale of a man falsely imprisoned – The Accountant of Monte Cristo
@sageuk

 Up close and personal tax
@mrjoemcfadden

The Shawshank Tax Redemption
@sageuk

 In a world where everyone is an accountant, you should watch the 50's tax classic, Rebel Without a Clause
@sageuk

Vatman returns
@bookmarklee

 Love Actuarilly
@sageuk

 Saving Mr Bankrupt
 @EarlGreyDecaf

The Accountant of Monte Cristo
@sageNAmerica

Tax Driver
@sageNAmerica

Raiders of the profit and loss ark
@sageNAmerica

Cashablanca
@sageNAmerica

Daft letters to the taxman

The following extracts from letters received by the taxman were first published in Taxation magazine in 1958*

"I received your income tax form, but had to go into hospital an hour afterwards"
"I have not been living with my husband for several years, and have much pleasure in enclosing his last will and testament"
"Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past 3 months, as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same."
"My husband is in HM Forces. I have no children. Trusting it will have your attention."
"Please send me a claim form, as I have had a baby. I had one before, but it got dirty and I burnt it."
"My husband died on 3 November. is there any post-war credit due, as I understand that a person has to die before receiving any benefit?"
"I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send you the remains."
"I have to inform you that my mother in law passed away after receiving your form on 22 November. Thanking you."
"Thank you for explaining my income tax liability. You have done it so clearly that I almost understand it."

*These extracts from letters were apparently referenced in a speech given by a retired Inspector of Taxes, Mr AEA Elston, while reminiscing at a meeting of the Oldham Rotary Club, and reported in the Oldham Evening Chronicle. The 1958 report in Taxation magazine was republished in December 1996.

Who Says Accountants Are Boring? Not WithumSmith+Brown

Crazy business expense claims

HMRC has published a list of what they claim to be the most outlandish expenses that customers tried to offset against business profits:

1. Holiday flights to the Caribbean
2. Luxury watches as Christmas gifts for staff - from a company with no employees
3. International flights for dental treatment ahead of business meetings
4. Pet food for a Shih Tzu ‘guard dog’
5. Armani jeans as protective clothing for painter and decorator
6. Cost of regular Friday night ‘bonding sessions’ - running into thousands of pounds.
7. Underwear - for personal use
8. A garden shed for private use - plus the costs of the space it takes up in the garden
9. Betting slips
10. Caravan rental for the Easter weekend.

Cuts cause extra tax - poem

This was one of the winning entries in a limerick competition run by Taxation magazine*

The Chancellor spoke to the nation.

And we were all filled with elation.

but the tax cuts proposed.

Were swiftly exposed 

as a myth by the scribes in Taxation

* This entry was written by David Norton. The competition results were published in December 1999!