Ten accounting puns

1. Be audit you can be. 
2. It’s accrual world. 
3. Make every day account. 
4. Mind the GAAP! 
5. Excel at everything. 
6. Accounting is a career for smart assets. 
7. An accountant’s biggest workout is crunching numbers. 
8. Don’t hate, depreciate. 
9. Accountants can be the LIFO the party. 
10. Stoic accountants have good internal controls.

New non-chargeable codes for accountants' timesheets

For those accountants still using timesheets and wanting to distinguish time spent on different non-billable activities:

5316 Useless internal meeting 

5317 Helping colleague with yet another alternative to Zoom

5350 Covering for incompetence of colleague 

5400 Trying to explain things to new colleague who just doesn't get it 

5480 Eating snack 

5490 Updating status on facebook 

5500 Filling out timesheet 

5501 Inventing timesheet entries 

5640 Miscellaneous complaining 

5800 Posting status updates on the firm's social media accounts

6206 Gossiping 

6207 Planning an office social or work event

6211 Updating CV 

6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching 

6350 Playing jokes on a new colleague

7010 Checking to see if the firm has been mentioned online

7281 Extended visit to the loo and surfing social media 'news'

8100 Reading online blogs 

8102 Laughing while reading blogs 

9106 Explaining to Partner why we cannot bill all of the time on the clock 

9107 Explaining to staff why we need to bill more than the time on the clock 

9108 Negotiating fee with client before fee note sent out 

9109 Writing covering letter/email to justify size of the fee note 

9110 Responding to client's questions re the size of the fee note 

9111 Preparing a tailored version of the WIP ledger to support the fee note 

9112 Negotiating fee with client after fee note sent out 

9113 Celebrating when client pays larger than normal fee

Any more for any more?

When QI focused an episode on the Inland Revenue

Ten years back, when Stephen Fry still hosted the BBC TV programme QI, episode 10 of Series I was focused on the Inland Revenue*. 

Here are some of the amusing anecdotes referenced in that episode: 

• In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

• Sandi Toksvig (who was a guest on this episode) once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

• Dara O'Briain (another guest) recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

• Dara himself once tried to claim tax relief for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

* This episode was first broadcast in November 2011. Clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that the Inland Revenue had ceased to exist more than 6 years previously. The UK tax authority has been known as HMRC since April 2005!

Dodgy advice on how to avoid tax

• Board up your windows so you won't get caught if they reintroduce a windows tax.
• Behave yourself and avoid syntax.
• Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits.
• If you work cash in hand be sure to wash all your wages to avoid catching Coronavirus.
• Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax.
• Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks.
• Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
• Drink decaf rather than the original Yorkshire beverage to avoid Proper Tea Tax