Internal auditors can miss the obvious.

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn’t prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin.

Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the auditor went up to him and said, “Look, I’ve left the company, I’m not interested in taking it any further and I won’t shop you, but I just have to know. What were you nicking?”

And the bloke said “Tarpaulins.”

Searching for an accountant

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?”

The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.

5 more accounting quickies

My accountant printed this year's balance sheet in colour - red.

What's the definition of unlikely?
- A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
- Those who can count and those who can't.

A fool and his money are soon audited

Accounting: a collection of figures running around looking for an argument

10 things an accountant would never say

Not sure I agree with them all. What about you?

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:

• How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
• The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
• I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
• A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

20 songs for accountants going on holiday

The following playlist is drawn from suggestions made by non-accountants on my facebook feed.
There's a distinct monetary theme but some inventive alternatives too.

1. Money, that's what I want - Flying Lizards
2. Leaving on a (budget-approved) Jet Plane- John Denver
3. Ticket to Ride - A nice emailed copy for the accountants - The Beatles
4. Do you know the way to (reclaim the cost of travel to) San Jose? - Dionne Warwick ACA
5. The Balance - The Moody Blues
6. Taxman - The Beatles
7. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks ("The taxman's taken all my dough, And left me in my stately home")
8. We can work it out - The Beatles
9. Money - Pink Floyd
10. Colour by Numbers (album) - Culture Club
11. Money's too tight to mention - Simply (in the) Red
12. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits
13. Get up (I feel like Being a Tax Machine) - James Brown ACA
14. I can't get no tax-isfaction - The Rolling Stones
15. The Final Countdown - Europe
16. Chasing Payments - Adele
17. Money money money - Abba
18. (Making Tax) Digital - Joy Division
19. Take the Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
20. Price tag - Jessie J

Plus two bonus tracks:

• A song for January: Under Pressure - Queen
• My favourite though, suggested by William Buist who knows I'm a bit of an acronymaniac, was: 24 hours to TULSA (Tally Up Long Standing Accounts). 

Many thanks to everyone who contributed to this list: Lee Hathaway, Kapil Kapur, Rod Sloane, Penny Haslam,  Mark Wingfield, Michelle Lubzianski, David Lewis, David Hyner, Andy Lopata, Shelley Bridgman, Cindy-Michelle Waterfield, Dave Sumner-Smith, Spyros Melaris, Andrew (Bernie) Bernard, William Buist.

Alan Partridge is panicked by the taxman

Best bits are in the first 3.5 minutes before he goes out to see his builder.