Friday, September 25, 2020

5 quick jokes about accountants

1 - The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night...

....I woke up every hour and cried.


2 - I'm not saying my accountant is too literal, but when I asked him to check my balance, he pushed me over.

3 - Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.

4 - What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance? A late night.

5 - Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He had a ton of paper work to do.  But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t budget. So he decided to work it out with a pencil.

Friday, September 04, 2020

The Priest, the Doctor and the Accountant

A rich old businessman calls his Priest, Doctor and Accountant, to attend him during his last days.

“I’m dying” he says. “They say you can't take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong.”  

“Father, you have tended to my spiritual needs and gave me absolution when my conscience bothered me. Doctor, you have tended to my physical needs and kept me going through all my excess. 
Steve (the Accountant) you have advised me how to make even more money, and even helped keep me out of jail when the tax man was after me. 

I am going to request one last thing from each of you. Here are 3 envelopes each containing £100,000. When I die, I want you each to throw your envelope into the grave as they bury me. That way I get to take some of my money with me.” 

A few day later the businessman died. 

At the funeral the Priest, Doctor and the Accountant dutifully threw their envelopes into the grave as it was being filled in. 

Afterwards, when they were walking through the church yard, the Priest turned to the other two and said, “Gentlemen, I have something weighing on my conscience that I must tell you. You know I run a shelter for the homeless and needy. I could not in all conscience waste all that money, so there was only £50K in the envelope I threw into the grave.” 

The Doctor then spoke, “Father” he said “I’m so pleased you told us this. You know that I help run a clinic for down and outs and addicts, that can't get help anywhere else. I couldn’t see all that money go to waste when it could help so many, so there was only £25K in the envelope I threw in.” 

The Accountant looked in horror at the Priest and Doctor, “Despite your worthy ideals you cheated our friend out of his final wish. I'm disappointed in you both. The least you could have done is what I did and put a cheque into the envelope for the full amount.”

Friday, August 14, 2020

Clever accounting by children (1)

This may be an apocryphal story relating back to the childhood of an unnamed top accountant. 

She explains that as a young child she played a game with her parents' friends whenever they came to visit. 

Apparently they found it hugely entertaining that, when offered a choice between a 50p coin and a pound coin she always took the 50p coin. 

One day, her grandfather saw this happening and called her over to explain things: "You must understand, a pound coin is twice as valuable as a 50p piece, so you should always choose the pound coin." 

The future top accountant replied: "But Grandpa, then people will not offer me any money."

Friday, August 07, 2020

Great T-shirt slogans for accountants

  • My Daddy is the best accountant in the whole world 
  • The Zen of accounting - for every debit there is a credit 
  • Trust me - I'm an accountant 
  • Accountants appreciate a good figure 
  • I love my accountant 
  • I live for accounting 
  • I'm the accountant your mother warned you about 
  • Future accountant [for a baby's t-shirt!] 
  • Accountants rock 
  • Proud parent of an accountant 
  • Accounting diva [in pink] 
  • It's accrual world 
  • Daddy's little tax deduction [for a baby's t-shirt!] 
  • Mild mannered accountant by day. Sexy husband by night 
  • Accountant on the outside. Biker on the inside 
  • Beancounter university [in the style of a top Uni] 
  • The world's best accountant 
  • A good accountant is a debit to her profession 
  • I love Chartered Accountants

Friday, July 24, 2020

Top accountant characters in films

The Accountant - Ben Afflek plays a man who uses his disorder to balance books for criminals.

The Apartment
 - Jack Lemmon's character CC Baxter introduces himself: "I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861." 

The Closet - French superstar Daniel Autueil plays an accountant who pretends to be gay to keep his job in a condom factory. 

Dave
 - Charles Grodin plays the president's accountant and solves the budget deficit in one overnight session, leaving the White House at dawn in his prudent small car. 

Erotica - the lead character is a bearded and gentlemanly accountant who gets increasingly hung up on a sneaky lap dancer whom he is forbidden to touch. 

Ghostbusters - Rick Moranis is an accountant who, although possessed by evil spirits, asks who does monstrous Sigourney Weaver's tax return. 

Hitch - Kevin James plays tax accountant Albert Brennaman, who woos and wins Amber Valletta just by being his booty-shaking, inhaler-snorting, passionate self. 

Jurassic Park - a weasel accountant spurns Jeff Goldblum's advice and gets devoured by a dinosaur. 

Local hero - Denis Lawson plays Gordon Urquhart, the hotel proprietor who is also the local accountant trusted to meet with the locals on behalf of a Texas oil company that wants to purchase the Scottish fishing village.

Midnight Run - Charles Grodin again. Here he plays an accountant who steals from the rich and gives to the poor . Robert De Niro tracks him down when Grodin jumps bail. 

The Producers - In the original film Zero Mostel ropes accountant Gene Wilder into collaborating with him on a scheme to rip off old ladies. In the remake Nathan Lane persuades Matthew Broderick to abandon his accountancy career in favour of becoming a theatrical producer. 

The Royal Tenenbaums
 - Danny Glover plays accountant Henry Sherman, Angelica Huston's dependable second husband. 

Schindler's List - Ben Kingsley's bespectacled accountant helps save lives. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - Danny Kaye stars as a day-dreaming beancounter. 

The Sea Change - Sean Chapman was to have played a 'handsome, dashing and funny KPMG accountant named Rupert Granger.' The script was later revised to make him a banker - but the original idea led to me being interviewed and performing a magic trick on BBC's Newsnight TV programme.

Shallow Grave - Christopher Eccleston played chartered accountant David Stephens who gets drawn into the grisly goings-on in a shared Edinburgh flat. 

She Devil - Ed Begley Jr plays a sleazeball accountant upon whom Rosanne Barr wreaks a hideous revenge. 

The Untouchables - Charles Martin Smith plays accountant Oscar Wallace and conceives the idea of nabbing Al Capone for tax evasion. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

Popular films remade for accountants (part two)

There are dozens of films about lawyers. Here are some more that could be made about accountants: 
  • The Deductibles 
  • Mary Profits 
  • On Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs Service 
  • Kalamazoolander 
  • Lady Chatterley's Ledger 
  • Raiders of the Lost Audit 
  • The Wizard of Audit 
  • Book Keeping and the Accountant Kid 
  • The Balance of the Lambs 
  • Close Encounters of the Accountant's Kind 
  • Accounting in the Rain 
  • Slumdog Accountant 
  • Some Like it in Credit 
  • Raiders of the Last Audit 
  • The Big Four Strikes Back 
  • Auditbusters 
  • All the President's Bookkeepers 
  • Monty Python and the Accountant's Grail 
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Accountant's Mind

Friday, June 05, 2020

Ten key tax questions for accountants

  1. Why is simplification such a long word? 
  2. Do you have a tax conscience? It's that small inner voice that tells you that the Special Civil Investigation Office will be writing to you. 
  3. If taxes are the answer, what was the question? 
  4. Why is it that HMRC can make 'mistakes' but taxpayers are always negligent? 
  5. Why are tax laws like a Haggis? They are both the the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made. 
  6. Is it true that HMRC believes that the generation of names for random audit is too important to be left to chance? 
  7. Why should we encourage clients to check their tax returns before breakfast? Then nothing worse can happen to them all day. 
  8. Is it really due to taxation, that clients find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits?
  9. Is the Eiffel Tower a warning as to what will happen to Canary Wharf after taxes? 
  10. Has the self assessment system resulted in the UK becoming a land of untold wealth?

6 things I hate accountants doing on Linkedin

 Overly personal posts better suited to facebook  Being negative and critical   Starting something they fail to complete   Sharing simple li...