Fifteen funny books for accountants

1. Internal Control Weaknesses by Kermit Fraud 
2. Authorisation Limits by Mustapha Siggnatjeur 
3. How Not To Panic At Year End by Wendy Orditors-Cumming 
4. Cash Control for Dummies by Hans Intils 
5. Rough Guide to Accounting by Major Control-Weakness 
6. Double Entry Delights by General Ledgers 
7. Financial Planning for Beginners by Bud Jett 
8. Monthly Reporting by Anna Litticle 
9. Excel Analysis by Rosa Dayter 
10. The Notes to the Accounts by Hugh Kairs 
11. Capital Tax Planning by Muvinov Sure 
12. Insolvency by Justin Casey-Folds 
13. The Missing VAT Trader by Cara Zell 
14. Big Bonus by Laura Cash 
15. Unexplained Difference by Frank D Scussions 

With due credit to Graham Thomas-Widger and Karen Watson who posted these (and a few others I didn't get) on AccountingWeb

10 ways to know you're an accountant

 You know you're an accountant when.....

.....Friends always ask YOU to divide the restaurant bill and the tip.
.....Tipping a waiter makes you wonder who is acting as the troncmaster.
.....You are always expected to be the one controlling the fund for office sweepstakes, lottery and fantasy football syndicates.
.....Strangers sidle up to you at parties and ask "How do I pay less tax?"
.....You can repeat all the HMRC 'on hold' messages word-perfectly.
.....You are annoyed when you see journalists giving inaccurate tax advice

.....When you pop into an independent retail outlet you wonder how much profit they make.

.....You refuse to buy certain products retail because you know how big the sales margin is.
.....You have quoted certain tax cases so often you know how to spell the obscure names involved (eg: Mallalieu v Drummond) 
.....You count an unnumbered list like this one to check whether it really contains 10 items. 

If we are not 'customers' of HMRC, what are we?

It's been many years since HMRC (the taxman) started to use the word 'customers' to refer to all types of taxpayers and tax credit claimants.  Of course 'customers' normally get a choice as to where they shop so it's not the right word.  

Here are 11 alternative, not too serious, descriptions. Do you have any other suggestions?

1. Slaves
2. Victims
3. Codees - Anyone who deals with the tax authorities has to have a code, so that's the common element.
4. Punters
5. Suckers 
6. Cash cows
7. Mugs
8. Muggles 
9. Prey
10. Government financiers
11. Lemons (as in "squeeze them until the pips squeak")

5 fun tax related quotes

 Haven't posted any quotes about taxation for a while so here are some more:

" I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is—I could be just as proud for half the money."
- Arthur Godfrey

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
- Jay Leno

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
- Harvey Mackay

"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure."
- Dan Bennett

"If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil."
- J. Paul Getty

Previous posts containing tax quotes can be found through this link

6 fun anecdotes about accountants

I knew a firm of accountants who employed a chimpanzee as a trainee......It just didn't add up! 

Did you hear about the accountant who became a chef?.....It wasn't long before he cooked the books! 

My friend just became a full time accountant....From now on, his days are numbered! 

Accountant goes into a department store and asks if they have any net curtains, the assistant says "sorry sir, all our prices include VAT. " 

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance. 

An accountant went to a cake shop and asked the baker "Why does that one cake cost so much more than all the other?" The baker replied "That's madeira cake".

The audit file rock song

 Another song penned by Accountant Nigel Hughes. This one should be sung to the tune of the Elton John classic, Crocodile Rock:

I remember when we were young,
Me and Susie having so much fun
Audit programme and an ICQ,
I had a battered ford escort and an M&S suit.
But the biggest kick we ever got,
Was doing a thing called the audit file rock.
While other kids were rocking round the clock,
We were Ticking and Bashing to the audit file rock

Chorus
Well audit file rocking is something shocking,
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time, and I guess I never will.
In the office 'til late at night,
Trying to get our double entry right,
And audit file rocking was outta sight.

Well the years went by, now I’m an RI
Susie went and left us for a big 4 guy,
Long nights crying by the coffee machine
Worrying 'bout ISAs and the QAD.
But they'll never kill the thrills we got,
Burning up to the audit file rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
We really thought the audit file rock would last.

Repeat chorus

"Taxation isn't about what you need"

In January 1986 the political comedy " Yes Prime Minister" featured an episode "The Smokescreen" in which The Prime Minister, Jim Hacker, favours abolishing smoking through heavy taxation but he runs into strong opposition from the tobacco lobby and the Treasury department.

The following exchange between the PM and his permanent secretary, Sir Humphrey, seemed especially worthy of reference:

Sir Humphrey: Taxation isn't about what you need.
Jim Hacker: Oh, what is it about?
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, the Treasury doesn't work out what they need to spend and then think how to raise the money.
Jim Hacker: What does it do?
Sir Humphrey: They pitch for as much as they think they can get away with and then think what to spend it on.