New non-chargeable codes for accountants' timesheets

For those accountants still using timesheets and wanting to distinguish time spent on different non-billable activities:

5316 Useless internal meeting 

5317 Helping colleague with yet another alternative to Zoom

5350 Covering for incompetence of colleague 

5400 Trying to explain things to new colleague who just doesn't get it 

5480 Eating snack 

5490 Updating status on facebook 

5500 Filling out timesheet 

5501 Inventing timesheet entries 

5640 Miscellaneous complaining 

5800 Posting status updates on the firm's social media accounts

6206 Gossiping 

6207 Planning an office social or work event

6211 Updating CV 

6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching 

6350 Playing jokes on a new colleague

7010 Checking to see if the firm has been mentioned online

7281 Extended visit to the loo and surfing social media 'news'

8100 Reading online blogs 

8102 Laughing while reading blogs 

9106 Explaining to Partner why we cannot bill all of the time on the clock 

9107 Explaining to staff why we need to bill more than the time on the clock 

9108 Negotiating fee with client before fee note sent out 

9109 Writing covering letter/email to justify size of the fee note 

9110 Responding to client's questions re the size of the fee note 

9111 Preparing a tailored version of the WIP ledger to support the fee note 

9112 Negotiating fee with client after fee note sent out 

9113 Celebrating when client pays larger than normal fee

Any more for any more?

When QI focused an episode on the Inland Revenue

Ten years back, when Stephen Fry still hosted the BBC TV programme QI, episode 10 of Series I was focused on the Inland Revenue*. 

Here are some of the amusing anecdotes referenced in that episode: 

• In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

• Sandi Toksvig (who was a guest on this episode) once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

• Dara O'Briain (another guest) recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

• Dara himself once tried to claim tax relief for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

* This episode was first broadcast in November 2011. Clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that the Inland Revenue had ceased to exist more than 6 years previously. The UK tax authority has been known as HMRC since April 2005!

Dodgy advice on how to avoid tax

• Board up your windows so you won't get caught if they reintroduce a windows tax.
• Behave yourself and avoid syntax.
• Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits.
• If you work cash in hand be sure to wash all your wages to avoid catching Coronavirus.
• Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax.
• Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks.
• Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
• Drink decaf rather than the original Yorkshire beverage to avoid Proper Tea Tax

Auditors are people too - a poem

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Penned by Stephen Brown

10 special taxes for special people

1. Brothel owners pay syntax.
2. Parrot-owners rebelled against perches tax.
3. Drawing pin manufacturers pay thumb tax.
4. Trumpet players love brass tax.
5. Market researchers resent the poll tax.
6. Rubber manufacturers dislike lay tax.
7. Explosive experts are stuck with sem tax.
8. Gym owners have to pay exercise duty.
9. Teachers enjoy paying tick tax.
10. Porn stars have to pay blue tacs. 

There are only two types of accountants in the world....

There are more than two types of aphorisms along these lines. Here are some of my faves. 

There are only three types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can count and those who can't.

There are only 10 types of accountants in the world.... 

.... Those who understand binary and those who don't 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... .

...Those who walk into a room and say, ‘There you are!’ – and those who say, ‘Here I am!’ ” (original credited to Abigail Van Buren) 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Any more?

The tax on fireworks - a true story

60 years ago fireworks were added to the list of goods chargeable with Purchase Tax. Hansard records an odd debate that took place on 12 February 1962 concerning the extent of the charge. 

The new Purchase Tax order paper stated that the Tax (a precursor to VAT) was to be charged at 25% on fireworks of all kinds sold over the retail counter for 5th November celebrations and also those used in firework displays. Previously it was only charged on indoor fireworks which were considered to be "a variety of toy." The mind boggles!

As a result of a question raised in the House, the Government had to make it clear that the tax would not apply to those fireworks that were made for either military or marine purposes. 

Thus there was to be no purchase tax on signal rockets, on "Very lights", on bird scarers used by fruit farmers or on "other commercial articles of that kind".  Seems sensible of course. But tax is never simple. 

There then followed a discussion which included these questions: 

• "If a rocket is fired from a ship for the entertainment of the passengers would Purchase tax be payable or not?" 
• "Are the sparks or stars emitted by a firework, such as a rocket, exploded on Guy Fawkes night for pleasurable purposes different to the sparks and stars emitted from a firework exploded at sea?" 
• "Are 'crackers' fireworks or toys? I am referring to crackers in boxes, containing a mercurial strip pulled at children's parties—not to biscuits". 
• "What percentage Purchase Tax would go on a 'penny banger'?" 

Let's finish this ruby anniversary review with a quote from GR Mitchison (the member for Kettering) who said: 

"This is a silly Order, and a very cheerless one. I can only explain it on the ground that the Government have had so many rockets....that they feel that it is about time a tax was imposed on rockets. There is no other explanation for the Order".