Ken Dodd's tax case

When the comedian Ken Dodd was charged with tax fraud in 1989 he vetted a string of barristers before eventually telling his solicitor that he wanted to see George Carman. This proved to be a wise move. The case bore many of the hallmarks of a typical Carman performance: a famous defendant, seemingly incontrovertible evidence and a sensational acquittal. The result owed much to Carman's deftness at arguing that comic genius and careful accounting were strangers. He encapsulated the hypothesis in a phrase that he rightly judged would strike a chord with the jury: "Some accountants are comedians," he said. Then, after a pause: "But comedians are never accountants."

What clients say and what they mean

"We keep excellent records" =  Our books are a mess but don't you dare say otherwise, also I would like a discount please. 

"I'm looking for a flexible accountant" =  I will ring you evenings and weekends and expect an immediate answer. I may even call on Boxing Day. Late. 

"My last accountant didn't file the accounts on time and we got fined" =  I don't expect this to happen with you, though I will ignore repeated reminders and only give you the records one week before year end.

"My last accountant was an idiot" = I'm an idiot. 

"I'd like to negotiate on your fees" =  Although I want to squeeze more out of you, I've watched the Apprentice so I know how to negotiate. Lower your fees but not your service - and don't expect payment on time either. 

"My wife studied AAT years ago so she will be doing the bookkeeping" = Don't try it on with me matey boy, I have an expert in the camp, and get ready to be told how to do your own job.

10 years since Jimmy Carr's tax scheming made the news

In 2012, after Jimmy Carr was exposed as a tax avoider and then apologised for his 'grave error', fellow comedian, Sean Lock, generated some great laughs at Jimmy's expense on the TV show '8 out of 10 Cats':

- We all like to put a bit of money away for a rainy day. But you're more prepared than Noah!

- There's a new tv show you could do: 'Through the Loophole'. "Who lives in a tax haven like this?" 

- You've got an illness. You're suffering from tax intolerance. You might even be HMRC positive.

Gary Barlow of 'Take That' also come for a little stick.

Sean said the band is now known as 'Keep That'.

And Jon Richardson concluded that Gary's OBE stands for 'Offshore Banking Expert'.

Jimmy Carr himself admitted that it was all very complicated but that as a result of his offshore agreements he feared that he is now a member of 'Take That'.

Irregular verbs to describe variations on tax planning and tax avoidance

 At it's simplest perhaps we have:

I only pursue approved tax incentives

You look for tax avoidance opportunities

He breaks the law and evades tax

One variation is:

I pay all the tax due

You look for easy ways to avoid paying all the tax due

He engages in aggressive tax planning

Another is:

I manage my financial affairs sensibly 

 You engage in aggressive avoidance 

 He/She is a slimy tax cheat

And looked at from another perspective:

I receive public spending

You get tax incentives

He gets a subsidy

What further variations can you come up with?

How the post was shared out at the tax office

 This take dates back to the days of the Inland Revenue, before they became HMRC, when there were local offices each headed by a District Inspector (DI). 

One such DI went for a drink with his assistant to mark the DI's imminent retirement.

The Assistant DI took the opportunity to ask his boss to clarify something:

"It's always puzzled me how you were able to so often leave the office to play golf at 3 o'clock each day. 

In the mornings you always divided the incoming post into three piles. You and I took equal sized piles of post and left the third one for the next day. 

Even though you seemed to distribute the post randomly as between us, your desk was always clear at 3 o'clock whereas I often had to stay until 5 or 6 o'clock to clear all my post. 

How did you manage it?"

The District Inspector replied:

"Simple. When it got to 3 o'clock each day I put any answered post back on the pile that we'd left for the next day!"

Thanks to Richard Mannion who related this tale to me a while back. Not sure if he said it was a true story or a joke!

Taxing everything - the tax poem

Tax their land, Tax their wage, Tax the bed in which they lay. 

Tax their tractor, Tax their mule, Teach them taxes is the rule. 

Tax their cow, Tax their goat, Tax their bras, Tax their coat. 

Tax their ties, Tax their shirts, Tax their work, Tax their dirt. 

Tax their cars, Tax their drink, Tax them if they try to think. 

Tax their booze, Tax their beers, If they cry, Tax their tears. 

Tax their bills, Tax their gas, Tax their notes, Tax their cash. 

Tax them good and let them know That after taxes, they have no dough. 

If they holler, Tax them more, Tax them 'til they're good and sore. 

Tax their coffin, Tax their grave, Tax the sod in which they lay. 

Put these words upon their tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom!' 

And when they've gone, We won't relax, We'll still be after Inheritance TAX!!

Author unknown. Updated to make it gender neutral by Mark Lee

How do you know if you're part of a small, medium or large firm of accountants?

 A small firm is one where everyone knows everyone.

A large firm is one where no one knows everyone.

A medium sized firm is one where there is always someone who knows everyone.

Thanks to David Lewis of Camrose Consulting for that one.