The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system

The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system are: 

 10. The service technician keeps threatening to retire 

 9. “Reconciliation” is your middle name 

 8. You ask for “proficiency in DOS” when hiring staff 

 7. When calling Support you hear laughter in the background 

 6. Salesmen no longer call you about upgrades 

 5. You have to go for coffee whenever you click on “Post” 

 4. Your system came on diskettes 

 3. The last person to know the setup password retired to Florida 

 2. Nobody understands the reports 

 and the top sign you need a new accounting system is . . . 

 1. Your sub-ledgers need counselling for “irreconcilable differences.”

A disgruntled 'customer' of HMRC

To the Chief Tax Person at HMRC 

 For some time your website has stated that you see me as a customer of your services. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

 Let me tell you why I am fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after me of late: 

- To help even out my cashflow, when I have surplus funds, I lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of my forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send me statements that show where I stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and 

- You seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

 If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea how to look after your customers. 

 As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is that you supply. 

 

Yours faithfully,

The Beatles - taxman

"Taxman was when I first realised that even though we had started earning money, we were actually giving most of it away in taxes." 

- Gerorge Harrison 

  Lyrics 

 Let me tell you how it will be 

There's one for you, nineteen for me 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Should five per cent appear too small 

Be thankful I don't take it all 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman 

 If you drive a car, I'll tax the street, 

If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat. 

If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, 

If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet. 

 Don't ask me what I want it for 

If you don't want to pay some more 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Now my advice for those who die 

Declare the pennies on your eyes 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

And you're working for no one but me

There was an accountant - limericks

There was an accountant called Max 

Whose main line was working in tax 

He couldn't wait 

For the 1st February date 

When he could have a rest and relax 

 There was an accountant called Grace 

Who was rather red in the face 

With her returns she was late 

And was rather irate 

But knew everything would fall into place.

How accountants do it...

Accountants do it by the book. 

Accountants do it within budget. 

Accountants do it to the bottom line. 

Accountants do it with double entries. 

Accountants do it between spreadsheets. 

Accountants are Certified to do it in Public. 

Accountants do it without losing their balance.

Out of the mouths of babes...

This true story may only make sense if you know me, but it's worth recording anyway:

 Many years ago when my nephew Zach was about 8 years old he told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be like Uncle Mark. 

 "An accountant?" his mother asked, a little incredulous that little Zach could be interested in the subject at such a young age. 

What could have happened to inspire this attraction to the profession she wondered. 

Zach's reply was priceless. "Oh," he said, "Is that what you call someone who does magic tricks?"

An acronym that didn't catch on

Following the merger of the Inland Revenue and Customs & Excise in 2005 we should be used to references to Officers of Revenue and Customs. Surprisingly though no one ever referneicnes them using the releated acronym ORCs. Taking this a step further, when we talk about ORCs using their powers, we could use the acronym: PORCS This could lead to ORCs using their PORCs to identify when taxpayers have told Porkies. Shame it didn't cvatch on!