Rudolph and the Revenue

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer 

Hated paying NIC 

Went to a sharp adviser 

Paid the man a hefty fee 

He told the other reindeer 

You should do the same as me 

Go and see my adviser 

Get yourself a PSC 

Then one foggy Christmas eve

the taxman came to say: 

"Your idea was not so bright 

You owe tax, you're banged to rights" 

So all the deer were bankrupt 

Didn't have a bean they said 

Now taxman's after Santa 

He'll be really in the red. 

 Written by Chris Williams and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

If Santa was an accountant.....

 If Santa was an accountant...

• ...he would report true and fair (naughty and nice)
• ...he would collect receipts for subsistence from the secret 'other' Santas who service other countries
• ...all of the kids clothes would be from "Baby GAAP"
• ...his helpers would work in a small room cranking out toys during 'present season' which gets longer every year.
• ...letters to Santa would be carried forward from prior year
• ...he'd probably moan about all the red tape he has to deal with
• ...his family still wouldn't have a clue what he does at work
• ...he would think about the mileage deduction for his reindeer drawn sleigh
• ...you'd only have to be 'materially' good to get 'substantially all' of your gifts
• ...most of the insignificant things on your wish list would be disregarded and "noted for next year"
• ...he would give you review comments on your christmas list
• ...he wouldn't get paid overtime but his elves would
• ...it wouldn't be called a gift list, it would be a request list and listed in order of importance.
• ...he'd have to follow those Hobby Loss Rules. Not much profit in the Santa business :-)
• ...he'd divide the world's children into assets and liabilities
• ... there would be 4 big Santas

This is a selection of the suggestions volunteered by users of twitter in response to an invitation to use the hashtag: #ifsantawasanaccountant

Santa's tax satus

 A few year's back. Taxation magazine published this enquiry from a reader:

On a visit to the UK last year I picked up a copy of your magazine and wonder if readers can advise me. I am non-domiciled and non-resident (I think) in the UK – no permanent home here – but each year I work temporarily in the UK for a short period.

The work is unpaid, but I do receive benefits in kind; glasses of port, mince pies and the like. I am rather concerned that I have not declared these to HMRC in the past. Should I have done so and is there an annual tax liability to be paid on these gifts or benefits? And if there is, how is the tax calculated under self assessment?

The chosen pseudonym is "S. Claus".   

I wonder what advice one would give him for 2023?

The 12 days of Christmas or Taxmas (a reworked xmas carol)

 First line: On the first day of Taxmas the taxman sent to me:

- A rejection of my time to pay plea

The second verse:

On the second day of Taxmas, the taxman sent to me
- Two demand notes and
- A rejection of my time to pay plea

...and so on.
The last verse is:

On the twelfth day of Taxmas, the taxman sent to me
Twelve months to pay my debt
Eleven penalty charges
Ten confusing statements of account
Nine booklets on 'How to complain'
Eight explanatory leaflets
Seven website links
Six excuses for the delay
Five more queries
Four VAT returns to file
Three blank tax returns
Two demand notes and

One reluctant acceptance of my time to pay plea.

When I had the idea for this I checked online and found there was an old US version of the 12 days of Taxmas. Mine was developed independently.

An accountant learns the truth about game theory

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in game theory. 

He heard that his intelligent niece, who was five years old, always took a 50p piece, when a choice between a 50p piece and a pound coin was offered to her. 

He went to see his niece and offered her just such a choice. She took the 50p and said "Thank you Uncle". 

The accountant tried to explain to his niece "You must understand, a pound coin is twice as valuable as a 50p piece, so you should always choose the pound coin." 

The niece replied "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."

Matt Hancock to appear in new show: Accounting with the Stars

Politicians, actors and other 'selebs' have been queuing up in the hope of getting a steady job in accountancy via the latest talent show that producers hope will top the TV ratings. 

"I always had this secret dream that I might one day work in some area of financial management" said an excited MP, "but this TV show means that at last there is the chance that my dreams might come true…" she said as she practised her audition piece with her calculator and spreadsheet.

"Ever since I was a kid I used to practise accountancy in my bedroom…’ confessed a popular TV actor, whose identity we are protecting until his participation is confirmed. "I sent a few tables of some projected expenses into all the big firms, but even though they kept rejecting me, I always believed I had the financial acumen and auditing skills to make my dreams come true."

"This means the whole world to me" wept another 'seleb', after being told that she had been shortlisted for the show.  Decisions have yet to be made as to who will be the judges. 

Expectations are high that one judge will end up being accused of being too brutal with some of the accountancy hopefuls. 

Imagine if Matt Hancock MP was to take part and causing one of the judges to shout: "You call that deductible!" and forcing him to tear up his illegible receipts from some Australian gift shop. "Forget it Matt. You’ll never make it as an accountant; you’ll just be a laughing stock ex-MP for the rest of your life".

Popular accounting terms - redefined

 Profit – A chief executive who gives the accountant the bottom-line.

Debtor – A high society fillies’ coming out trip.

Corporation Tax – A levy on people with large stomachs.

Turnover – The number of times customers are fooled into buying your product.

Budget – A caged bird that can fly through the sound barrier.

Expended – Exhausted from all that shopping.

Drawings – The creative art of taking money from your business.

Stock-take – Counting the number of items taken home from work without payment.

Book-keeping – Those books not given to the accountant.

Fixed Cost – Size of required bribe.

Cost Accounting – Size of accountants' bill.

Liability – A gift for telling the opposite of the truth without detection.

And finally –

Asset – A complete collection of posteriors.

With many thanks to Rod Wilson of RWA Ltd Accountants (Rod tells me that RWA = Really Wicked Accountants)