10 ways to run your accounting firm like the Starship Enterprise

 I have always been a fan of Star Trek. Here are some crossover ideas for accountants:

1.  Encourage staff to think like Spock when making deductions—logical, precise, and with the odd raised eyebrow.
2. Take inspiration from the Borg and assimilate new software updates: "Resistance is futile." 
3. Declare "red alert" status whenever a client’s tax return deadline is looming. 
4. Offer “Q Continuum” consulting services for clients who want the impossible done instantly. 
5. Schedule regular "away missions" to clients' offices—just remember to wear red shirts cautiously.
6.  Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.
7. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.
8. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he or she asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.
9. Install a "universal translator" to decode the jargon from clients in niche industries.
10. Designate a "star date" system for deadlines, so no one can ever say they didn't know when the reports were due.

An ode to auditing

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say 

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Contributed by Stephen Purham and originally published on AccountingWeb

Which parrot should the accountant buy?

 An accountant went into a pet shop to buy a parrot for company in his office.

The shop owner showed him a pretty parrot on a perch and explained that it was ideal for an accountant as it knew some mild swear words but only used them when it heard someone say  "HMRC".

The accountant asked how much it was and the shop owner said it was only a hundred pounds.

The accountant felt he could invest more than this so asked if there were any other parrots.

"Certainly" replied the shop owner. "This blue one doesn't swear at the taxman but he will learn your clients' names and greet them personally whenever they come into your office. This one is for sale at one thousand pounds".

This was more than the accountant wanted to spend so he asked the price and talents of a third parrot that was sitting quietly in the corner of the pet shop.

"Aha" said the shop owner. "That's the most expensive parrot. It costs five thousand pounds".

The accountant was astonished any parrot could cost that much. "What the heck can it do?"

To which the shop owner replied "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two say he's their Senior Partner."

A customer complains to HMRC

Dear Inspector of Taxes 

I see from your website that you regard me as a customer. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

Let me tell you why my wife and I are fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after us of late: 

 - To help even out our cashflow, when we have surplus funds, we lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of our forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send us statements that show us where we stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and you seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea about how to look after your customers. 

As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. 

I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is you supply. 

Yours faithfully.

 ---- 

The above letter was written to the Tax Office by a taxpayer who copied it to his accountant Huw Williams of HM Williams, Chartered Accountants.

Paying tax with a smile

 At the end of a serious tax investigation, the Inspector of Taxes announced that the taxpayer owed over £10,000.  The Inspector continued: "You know, paying tax is your civic duty and you should be proud to do what's right. I'd like to see you settle your liability with a smile."

To which the recalcitrant taxpayer replied: "Thank Goodness for that. I thought you'd want money."

Thanks to Mike Thexton for this old joke.

What do the initials HMRC really stand for?

 In the UK we recognise 'HMRC' as standing for His Majesty's Revenue and Customs - the body created by the merger of Inland Revenue and HM Customs and Excise in 2005. 

What else might the letters represent?  Officially the answers are:

• Health Management Research Center (University of Michigan) 
• Human Mobility Research Centre (Queen’s University and Kingston General Hospital partnership; Ontario, Canada) 
• Helicopter Multi-Role Computer 
• Hierarchical Maximal Ratio Combining 
• His Majesty's Royal Communications (Jordan)

But let's be more inventive: 

• Help Me Recover Cash
  Hiding My Rewards Carefully
• Holding My Rewards Callously
• How Might Rhianna Cover-up?
• Hold My Rubber Chicken

Can you do better?

Ten dodgy tax tips best ignored

 

1. Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits
2. Live on a boat and claim you're 'offshore' for tax purposes
3. Don't worry about getting receipts 
4. Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do
5. Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax
6. Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks
7. Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
8. Pay your employees in chocolate coins – it’s a sweet deal for everyone
9. Claim your garden gnomes as security personnel
10. Set up a fake moustache business so you can disguise your profits