Trivial new taxes we nearly had for 2022

The Chancellor seemed to omit these new tax ideas in his Budget this week:

• Twitter tax, levied at 1p per tweet
• Hashtag tax, 1p per hashtag, max 5p per post. 
• COVID lingo tax, like a swear box - £1 each time you say 'unprecedented', 'new normal' or 'pivot'. 
• Unused App Tax (UAT), £10 per app on your phone that you haven't used in the last month
• Promo tax - payable for downloading tracks simply to get a Christmas number one
• Wii tax levied on the breaking of household objects
• Ringtone tax on irritating ringtones, doubled for Christmas ones
  
• Muzak tax - doubled for Christmas muzak and trebled for Christmas muzak before December
• Alexa tax - £1 each time you unintentionally engage your home assistant
• Interesting tax - £1 each time you say something is 'interesting' rather than using a more precise adjective
• So tax - £100 each time you start a sentence with 'So'. (Reduced to £50 if you train Alexa to reprimand you)

Google search results re accountants

You know how Google offers you suggestions as to what others have searched for with the same opening words as you have typed in the search box?

Here are the top examples of popular questions and searches on Google, that begin: Why are accountants...

....important? 

....boring?

....unhappy?

....paid so little?

....in demand?

....so arrogant?

And a similar list re questions and searches that begin: Why do accountants...

....wear visors?

....earn so much?

....use brackets for negative numbers?

....need analytical skills

....use spreadsheets?

These are quite telling and even worrying as well as being amusing and contradictory! Some see accountants as important, in demand and arrogant whilst others (presumably) see us as boring and unhappy. And accountants are apparently paid so little, whilst also earning so much for using spreadsheets and evidencing their analytical skills - and using brackets!

 

Sometimes we're not as clear as we might be....

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies of the passport. 

It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations. 

An accountant told me that a new client once sent him an unusual package. 

On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else? Another one. Same as the first. And another, and another. 

Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport. 

None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone. 

The accountant called the client to acknowledge receipt of the package and to find out why he had sent so many copies - and not had any of them certified. 

The client was pleased to hear the package had arrived safely. "I should have checked as I must have misheard you. 'Certified copies' makes much more sense. I thought you asked for 35 copies."

A sole practitioner accountant and the minimum wage

Andy Atkins is an elderly accountant operating from offices above a shop in a small town. 

One day he received a letter from HMRC, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the National Minimum Wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Andy. 

"Well," said Andy, "there's my accounting trainee, I pay him £240 a week, and cover the costs of his training. 

Then there's my PA. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging in the flat above the office. 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit." 

"That'll be me then," said Andy.

Check the fundamentals when recruiting finance staff

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed dozens of people for the job of assistant to the financial director.

The head of HR thought that one candidate - Stuart - seemed ideal.

Stuart had been to a major public school. He wasn't a qualified accountant but did have a masters degree in business administration. He satisfied all of the psychological profile checks the company employed and generally impressed the head of HR.

The FD conducted the second interview after checking the notes from the first one and also Stuart's Linkedin profile. All was going well until.....

'Stuart,' said the FD, I've decided to offer you the job. And as you've impressed us so much I'm happy to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you £36,000 a year.

'Thank you,' replied Stuart. 'But how much is that per month?