The balloonist and the accountant

One of my clients tells me he was out walking his dog when a hot air balloon crash landed in a field nearby. 

My client ran over to check the pilot was ok. He seemed to be fine and asked my client where he was. 

My client was feeling mischievous and replied "You are about 2 feet off the ground in a wicker basket in the middle of a green field". 

To which the pilot responded "You're a Chartered Accountant aren't you?" 

My client had to agree and asked the pilot "How did you know?" 

The pilot replied "It was simple really, the information you gave me was precise, accurate and totally bl**dy useless!" 

Had the joke finished here as it normally does, I might not have included it here as I'm not keen on reinforcing old stereotypes. But it continues with my client's brilliant reply to the balloonist: 

"And you must be a Manager - you don't know where you are or where you are going, you have failed to control the situation you find yourself in; and now you expect someone else to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system

The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system are: 

 10. The service technician keeps threatening to retire 

 9. “Reconciliation” is your middle name 

 8. You ask for “proficiency in DOS” when hiring staff 

 7. When calling Support you hear laughter in the background 

 6. Salesmen no longer call you about upgrades 

 5. You have to go for coffee whenever you click on “Post” 

 4. Your system came on diskettes 

 3. The last person to know the setup password retired to Florida 

 2. Nobody understands the reports 

 and the top sign you need a new accounting system is . . . 

 1. Your sub-ledgers need counselling for “irreconcilable differences.”

A disgruntled 'customer' of HMRC

To the Chief Tax Person at HMRC 

 For some time your website has stated that you see me as a customer of your services. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

 Let me tell you why I am fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after me of late: 

- To help even out my cashflow, when I have surplus funds, I lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of my forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send me statements that show where I stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and 

- You seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

 If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea how to look after your customers. 

 As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is that you supply. 

 

Yours faithfully,

The Beatles - taxman

"Taxman was when I first realised that even though we had started earning money, we were actually giving most of it away in taxes." 

- Gerorge Harrison 

  Lyrics 

 Let me tell you how it will be 

There's one for you, nineteen for me 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Should five per cent appear too small 

Be thankful I don't take it all 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman 

 If you drive a car, I'll tax the street, 

If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat. 

If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, 

If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet. 

 Don't ask me what I want it for 

If you don't want to pay some more 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Now my advice for those who die 

Declare the pennies on your eyes 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

And you're working for no one but me