Greeting card message for retiring tax partner

 Message seen on the front of a greeting card given to a tax partner on his retirement from a sizeable firm of accountants:

All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Ten annoying myths about accountancy

1. Accounting is just about maths
2. Accounting services are expensive
3. Accountants are boring
4. Accounting is all about helping clients pay less tax
5. It's important to have an accounting degree before you start
6. Tax is payable by reference to turnover (rather than profit)
7. Profit and cash are the same
8. If there's money in the bank we must be doing alright
9. You don't need an accountant if you use Xero or QBO
10. Accountants all make loads of money and are loaded

Credit to AAT for their recent social media activity that generated the above suggestions.

Things that could be said to your accountant but not to your partner

First the cleaner ones:

• Can I claim this as an expense? 
• I've done a couple of things I shouldn't have done but it's best I don't tell you. 
• Is there any chance of a discount if I recommend you to a friend? 
• I am afraid your assets are not very impressive 
• Do you charge by the number of transactions, or is it one set fee for the entire relationship? 
• How much do you charge an hour? 
• You're very experienced, is that why you charge so much? 
• Is there any interest? I used to get more interest a few years ago. 
• How much? 

Now the others:

• Has it gone up or down? 
• You don't like nice round figures, do you? 
• If I enter this correctly, do you think I would get relief? 
• I can remember when everything balanced... 
• My! that's a big ledger.
• I’ll fill this one in. 
• Are there any penalties for early withdrawal? 
• I could work on a good column entry for ages. 
• I'd like one of my business associates to have a look at that before I agree to it. 
• I’m thinking of leaving it in there for a good few years. 
• What do you know about roll-over relief? 
• I’m worried about losing interest if I withdraw. 
• If we do it the other way, can I still get relief? 
• You are taking out more than you are putting in. 
• You're very experienced, is that why you charge so much?

12 things HMRC will never say....

12 things HMRC will never say:

1. “After reviewing your contract, I consider you’re self employed.”
2.  “Considering the length of time it has taken me to reply to your letter it is only fair that I give you 18 months to reply to mine.
3. "I like you. On this occasion I’m going to let you off and chalk it up to experience".
4. “Given the complexities of the legislation that is a mistake anyone could have made so I won’t be looking to charge a penalty.”
5. “Following the recent Tribunal decision confirming that we have been incorrectly applying tax legislation to your circumstances, we can now concede that we are wrong and have accordingly charged ourselves a penalty for our carelessness in failing to take advice from an appropriately qualified tax professional.”
6. “That might be what the legislation says but it seems incredibly unfair so we’ll take a pragmatic view”
7. "You're right, we don't have unlimited powers to ask for anything we feel like"
8. "It looks like we were wrong after all. Please accept our apologies and a payment of £50 to cover any distress and inconvenience caused to you and/or your business".
9. "Let’s be pragmatic about this"
10. "It's OK we'll reimburse your clients costs as this was a training exercise and we found nothing"
11. “You’re right, in this instance the Opinion given had no legal authority underpinning some of the claims, and some of the facts we asserted also had no cogent evidence to support them. We were winging it in the hope you would not notice and just pay. We are sorry and the matter is now closed.”
12. "We have just received your letter and will reply within a month, which is well ahead of our target of 121 days".

With thanks and credit to Philip Ridgway for starting this discussion and seeking further suggestions on Linkedin

10 things you will never hear a decent accountant say

 

1. Yes, my fees could be lower if you pay me in cash 
2. Yes, I'll find a way to justify all those supermarket receipts in your accounts
3. Sure you can pay me less because you ignored my advice on how to make more profits 
4. HMRC have no problem with retrospective tax planning
5. Your tax return only took me 5 minutes to do 
6. I love working from carrier bags full of clients' paperwork
7. I have decided not to charge you anything this year
8. The taxman will give up once he knows I'm representing you
9. Don't worry about getting receipts 
10. Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do 

Any more for any more? What else would you never say?

50 ways to please the taxman

 Accountant Nigel Hughes has crafted this topical variation on the Paul Simon classic. It's a fun ditty in itself and even cleverer if you can recall the original tune as you read it!

Your problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you do it digitally
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

She said I hate to see you blundering in this fog
Tax really doesn’t need to be such a slog
I’d like to end your love affair with analogue
There must be fifty ways to please the taxman

Fifty ways to please the taxman

Just get on the web Fred
Click on your mouse Klaus
Get up in the cloud Howard
Just zap it to me
This is the key, Lee
You don't need double entry
Do it on line Brian
And set yourself free
It's a new day Ray
Just think what you'll save Dave
Take a quick pic Rick
And listen to me
You'll never believe Steve
What you can do if you trust me
Just take a quick snap Jack
And set yourself free
She said paper records are really such a drag
In cardboard boxes or a Tesco carrier bag
I said I appreciate that but don't you think some clients might just gag

On the 50 ways

She said I think you should just leave it all to me
I know very soon, you’ll fall in love with MTD
And then she kissed me and I realised I could charge a quarterly fee
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

12 statements guaranteed to wind up an accountant

 How to wind up an accountant? Just say something like this:

• "I just popped everything in this carrier bag here - I knew you could sort it all out for me."
• "My friend's accountant says....."
• "I need a mortgage reference - you will make the figures look good for me won't you?"
• "A friend in the pub said that he's certain that...."
• "My van was broken into and........ ... all of my receipts were stolen"
• "How can I have made such much profit when I've no money left in the bank"
• "My son has been onto the HMRC web site and......."
• " I've already signed my tax return. Just fill in the details as usual"
• "I've put the cost of the new extension through, as I do make coffee in the new kitchen while I am working from home"
• "I've checked my tax return and it's wrong...the profit figure on the accounts isn't the same as the taxable profits figure on the tax return"
• "You can't have our bank statements we have shredded them. It said on the news that the police wanted everyone to shred their bank statements to avoid ID theft"
• "I won't be able to pay you until someone has paid me." Always said AFTER you have completed their accounts.

Contributed by members of AccountingWeb on this discussion thread I initiated a while back.