- Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb
- Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud
- The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line...
- The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping
- Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex)
- Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con.
- From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
- Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee
- All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex
- Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un
- Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'.
- Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows.
Hundreds of stories, jokes, videos, anecdotes, links and quotes relating to accountants, accountancy and tax related topics. If you've got something that makes you laugh - do send it in to mark@bookmarklee.co.uk
Friday, August 22, 2025
Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner
Friday, August 15, 2025
10 alternative Job Titles for Accountants
- Anxiety Transfer Expert – because your panic is our spreadsheet
- Business Continuity Practitioner – making sure your cash flow doesn’t flatline
- Numbers Facilitator – like a counsellor, but with pivot tables
- Finance Doctor – diagnosis: terminally overdrawn
- Money Multiplier – no rabbits, just receipts
- MANIAC (Money And Numbers Inspector And Counter) – the acronym that audits itself
- Cash Whisperer – fluent in the secret language of HMRC and petty cash
- Revenue Therapist – tell me where it hurts (and show me the P&L)
- The Profit Prophet – we see margin in your future
- Cash Flow Curator – we don’t create liquidity, we just make it look nice
Friday, August 08, 2025
The Plumber & the Self-Assessment Saga
Plumber: “Right, be honest — how bad is it if I’ve not done any bookkeeping since last April?”
Accountant: “Bad. But fixable. Like a leaky tap.”
Plumber: “What if it’s a full-blown burst pipe situation?”
Accountant: “Then I charge emergency call-out rates. Only joking. Mostly.”
Plumber: “Fair. I’ve clogged up the admin. Time to flush it out.”
Friday, August 01, 2025
Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…
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I can’t relax in a cafĂ© if I can see the till is open too long.
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My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.
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I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.
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I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.
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My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”
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I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.
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I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.
I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction
Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back!
I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad
When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.
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I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.
Friday, July 25, 2025
Why is accountancy like Wimbledon?
- Some clients treat tax returns like Wimbledon — show up once a year and expect applause.If an accountant played tennis, they'd challenge every point. With supporting documentation.
- Tennis has unforced errors. So do self-assessment submissions in January.
- They say accountants are like tennis players — Always trying to serve clients better.
- Accountants are like line judges at Wimbledon — always watching the margins.
- Tennis has net play. Accountants have net pay.
- In tennis, losing players still get applause. In accountancy, they get investigated.
- Most people hear “love 40” and think tennis. Accountants hear it and think “my work-life balance.”
Friday, July 18, 2025
How to describe a glass that's half full/empty
To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty
To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Friday, July 11, 2025
A dozen ways to maximise the tax you pay (a parody)
Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.
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Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.
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Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”
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Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?
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Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.
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Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.
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Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.
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Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?
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Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.
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Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.
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Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?
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And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.
Friday, July 04, 2025
5 new accounting related acronyms you'll never use
ACCOUNTS – Always Chasing Clients, Often Underpaid, Never Taking Sabbaticals
RECAP – Routinely Explaining Concepts Again Patiently
RECEIPTS – Random Envelopes Containing Evidence In Perpetual Tattered Shape
TARDIS – Time Allocation Rarely Delivers Income Sadly (How it feels quoting fixed fees for 'quick' jobs.)
P&L – Panic & Last-minute (The only true accounting method for sole traders at year-end.)
Friday, June 27, 2025
Childhood ambitions that point to accountancy
While my friends played tag, I played "compliance audit" and issued playground-wide risk reports.
Friday, June 20, 2025
Tax offences in the bedroom – a lesson in lust and legislation
A hunky accountant and a charmingly assertive tax inspector give in to their mutual attraction and check into a hotel.
Before things go too far, the inspector insists they cover the topic of protection.
She smiles and says, “This is the perfect opportunity to help you understand tax offences... in a more practical context.”
“Neglect,” she explains, “would be you claiming you simply forgot to bring protection – an honest mistake, but one you’ll regret later.”
“Wilful default is refusing to use the protection I’ve provided – even though you’ve been made fully aware of the risks and consequences.”
“Fraud,” she says, narrowing her eyes, “is when you look me in the eye and claim you’ve had the snip – when in fact, you haven’t even booked the consultation.”
The accountant gulps. “So what happens if I comply fully?”
She winks.
“Well then, you’ve filed everything correctly and on time. No penalties. And possibly… a small reward.”
Friday, June 13, 2025
Little known laws of accountancy clients
Friday, June 06, 2025
Why do HMRC pursue odd tax cases?
Friday, May 30, 2025
Clients' reactions to being told how much tax they need to pay
Friday, May 23, 2025
The 6 worst things that happen to auditors
- Getting in early only to find the manager who's got all the answers is not in today.
- Being asked to process a whole shed-load of material adjustments 1 hour before the audit is supposed to finish.
- Realising that the 'we-could-finish-a-week-early-and-have-a-jolly' budget has disappeared into thin air.
- Being shoved into a cold, pokey, little room in the basement with no windows, mobile phone reception, printer or copier, miles away from where all the people you need to speak to work and 12 floors from the nearest decent snacks vending machine.
- Having to ask the difficult finance manager at a client the same questions you know they get frustrated having to answer every year as they explain that nothing has changed.
- Finding out that your favourite prestigious audit client has gone bust and your audit partner has gone missing.
Friday, May 16, 2025
Why is there always a vacany for a Finance Director?
Friday, May 09, 2025
What happens when professionals make a mistake?
Friday, May 02, 2025
10 reasons accountants make great friends
- They're an asset that never depreciates
- They can work out how to split the bill after a meal (and could do so before apps were developed to resolve this important life skill)
- You can always count on them
- They make everything balance and give credit where it's due
- They're used to deadlines – and will still turn up to your party on time
- They won't judge your spreadsheet, but they might colour-code it.
- They're used to balancing competing priorities – like beer versus wine.
- If things go wrong, they'll calmly say: “Let’s see where the numbers don’t add up.”
- They believe in full disclosure – unless you ask how much they really love spreadsheets
- They appreciate long-term value – so they’ll never take you for granted
Friday, April 25, 2025
A good deal?
A friend proudly told me that he no longer needed his accountant as he'd decided to go the DIY route.
I'd previously said I couldn't help as it's a long time since I gave anyone tax advice.
"No problems" he replied. I've bought a couple of books that I'm sure will tell me all I need to know.
"I'm pleased for you" I said, having long since given up on getting him to appreciate the advice he would get from a decent accountant - rather than the cheapest one he could find each year.
"What books are they?" I asked.
"One is 'Accounting for Dummies', the other one is 'Tax saving strategies for consultants'. They were reduced to £8 each or two for £19".
Says it all really!
Friday, April 11, 2025
He would have been a true financial wizard
Friday, April 04, 2025
Personalised number plates for accountants
Years ago I recall David Winch of Accounting Evidence telling me how proud he was of his number plate that incorporates his qualification initials FCA.
I also recall an auditor whose number plate was AUD 1T and a tax specialist who had TAX 1NG
But my favourite was the ex-Inspector of taxes who had a number plate S99 TMA. He told me loved parking next to cars at accounting conferences and other events, that had VAT or TAX or CA on their number plates just to give them an unsubtle reminder.
Friday, March 28, 2025
A dozen laws of accountancy that weren't covered in your studies
- Trial balances don’t. (Not always, anyway)
- Working capital does not. (Work, that is)
- Liquidity tends to run out. (Faster than you think)
- The bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg. (What lies beneath matters more)
- Depreciation is inevitable. (For assets and accountants)
- Forecasts are mostly fiction. (But we make them anyway)
- Profit is an opinion, cash is a fact. (Ask any struggling business)
- The auditor is always right. (Especially when they say you're wrong)
- A budget is a wild guess wrapped in spreadsheets
- There is nothing more permanent than a temporary account
- An accountant is a person who will explain that you did not make the money you thought you had
- If in doubt, reconcile. (Then reconcile again)
Friday, March 21, 2025
What is Cross tax?
You'd be forgiven if you've never heard of 'cross tax' although it's been referenced in HMRC's compliance handbook for many years.
Does it mean:
a) What you get when HMRC staff are overstressed and unhappy?
b) A big balancing payment that a client wasn't expecting to have to pay?
c) How clients will describe the additional fees accountants charge for quarterly MTD returns? or
d) 'Across the taxes’ as opposed to applying to just one area, such as corporation tax?
The correct answer is (d)
Friday, March 14, 2025
Image ideas for an accountants' website
How might accountants do something similar?
Friday, March 07, 2025
When all is not as it seems
Friday, February 28, 2025
When the taxman chases the recently departed
A few weeks after Bernie died, his sister, Susie, intercepted a letter sent to him by HMRC. It was a request for a tax return.
Susie took the letter to her accountant who, after asking a few questions, suggested she reply as follows and pp the letter 'from Bernie (deceased)':
One of the advantages of having died is that there is no tax in heaven. It's a beautiful place. When I was alive I paid tax through the PAYE system and had not had any direct dealings with the taxman for many years. I can't say I'm that fussed about the outstanding return as I had no unearned income and left very little in the way of an inheritance for my sole living relative, my sister. Also, such matters seem so mundane since my recent demise. I might add that I have not yet met anyone from HMRC up here!
Friday, February 21, 2025
How to persuade the taxman your dog is a tax deductible business expense
Many years ago a publican had a meeting with a tax inspector in his pub. The publican had been claiming tax relief in respect the upkeep of his 'guard dog' but the taxman was unwilling to concede that this was acceptable.
The publican pointed out that upstairs in the pub were both the dog and the lunchtime takings. He invited the taxman to go upstairs, on his own, and if the taxman returned with the takings the publican would agree to add back the disputed expenses.
The taxman refused to go upstairs and allowed the expense in full.
My thanks to Barry Jefford of George Hay, Chartered Accountants, for the story which was told to him by his client, being the publican in question.
Friday, February 14, 2025
Valentine messages for the accountant in your life
Credits are right
When I looked at you
Love at first sight.
To keep us aligned,
Because in the ledger of love,
You’re one of a kind.
Violets are blue
My heart’s net profit
Will always be you.
Friday, February 07, 2025
Popular Google searches about tax
Friday, January 31, 2025
Famous classic films remade especially for accountants
Star Wars: Tax Return of the Jedi
Double Entry Indemnity, shown with: Double Insolvency
Journal to the Centre of the Earth
Abridged Too Far
Audit About Eve, and the follow up: Auditors of the Lost Ark
Trial balance of the century
VAT on a Hot Tin Roof
Evasion of the income snatchers
Far From the Adding Crowd
The Returns Of The Pink Panther
The Jungle Bookkeeper
Close enough encounters
Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom
Fatal subtraction, and the sequel: Fatal deduction
Friday, January 24, 2025
Why do people leave filing their tax returns to the last minute?
Friday, January 17, 2025
Are accountants the best patients for surgeons to operate on?
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