Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…

• I can’t relax in a café if I can see the till is open too long.

• My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.

• I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.

• I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.

• My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”

• I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.

• I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.

• I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction 

• Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back! 

• I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad 

•  When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.

• I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.

 

Why is accountancy like Wimbledon?

• Some clients treat tax returns like Wimbledon — show up once a year and expect applause.If an accountant played tennis, they'd challenge every point. With supporting documentation. 
• Tennis has unforced errors. So do self-assessment submissions in January. 
• They say accountants are like tennis players — Always trying to serve clients better. 
• Accountants are like line judges at Wimbledon — always watching the margins.
• Tennis has net play. Accountants have net pay. 
• In tennis, losing players still get applause. In accountancy, they get investigated.
• Most people hear “love 40” and think tennis. Accountants hear it and think “my work-life balance.”

How to describe a glass that's half full/empty

To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty

To the optimist, it’s 1/2 full

To Excel, it is 1st February. (Jan 2nd in the US)

To an AI chatbot, there isn't enough data to describe that

To a recruiter, it's not enough - as you deserve a glass that’s always full

To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be 

A dozen ways to maximise the tax you pay (a parody)

 

1. Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.

2. Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.

3. Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”

4. Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?

5. Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.

6. Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.

7. Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.

8. Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?

9. Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.

10. Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.

11. Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?

12. And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.

Inspired by a post by Anthony Scrase on Facebook 

5 new accounting related acronyms you'll never use

ACCOUNTS – Always Chasing Clients, Often Underpaid, Never Taking Sabbaticals 

RECAP – Routinely Explaining Concepts Again Patiently

RECEIPTS – Random Envelopes Containing Evidence In Perpetual Tattered Shape

TARDIS – Time Allocation Rarely Delivers Income Sadly (How it feels quoting fixed fees for 'quick' jobs.)

P&L – Panic & Last-minute (The only true accounting method for sole traders at year-end.)

Childhood ambitions that point to accountancy

While my friends played tag, I played "compliance audit" and issued playground-wide risk reports.

Other kids drew castles. I drew cash flow forecasts and colour-coded them by quarter.

I used to alphabetise my sweets and depreciate the ones with sticky wrappers.

I didn’t just play Monopoly. I insisted on calculating net asset value before buying Mayfair.

I dreamt of reconciling my toy till against the chocolate coins in my piggy bank.

As a child, I loved hide and seek — mostly because it mimicked forensic bookkeeping.

My imaginary friend was Inlander Revenyoo We had long chats about allowable expenses.

I was the only kid who ran a tuck shop with monthly management accounts and variance analysis.

Even at five, I believed every teddy bear tea party needed a robust audit trail.

I once grounded myself for breaching pocket money procurement protocol.

When I got a Scalextric, I immediately performed a cost-benefit analysis on the loop-the-loop.

Tax offences in the bedroom – a lesson in lust and legislation

A hunky accountant and a charmingly assertive tax inspector give in to their mutual attraction and check into a hotel.

Before things go too far, the inspector insists they cover the topic of protection.

She smiles and says, “This is the perfect opportunity to help you understand tax offences... in a more practical context.”

“Neglect,” she explains, “would be you claiming you simply forgot to bring protection – an honest mistake, but one you’ll regret later.”

“Wilful default is refusing to use the protection I’ve provided – even though you’ve been made fully aware of the risks and consequences.”

“Fraud,” she says, narrowing her eyes, “is when you look me in the eye and claim you’ve had the snip – when in fact, you haven’t even booked the consultation.”

The accountant gulps. “So what happens if I comply fully?”

She winks.
“Well then, you’ve filed everything correctly and on time. No penalties. And possibly… a small reward.”

Little known laws of accountancy clients

The Law of Disappearing Clients 

The closer it gets to the filing deadline, the harder it is to contact them. 

The Law of Last-Minute Miracles 

Clients will always “find” a vital document within seconds of you submitting the accounts. 

The Law of Shoebox Expansion 

No matter how small the original box, its contents will multiply under scrutiny. 

Murphy’s Ledger Law 

The client who insists their records are immaculate will have at least one year missing. 

The Law of Tax Time Amnesia 

No one remembers you telling them how much tax they'd owe when they get a late payment demand gtom HMRC

The Law of Perfect Hindsight 

Everything that went wrong in the accounts is, apparently, your fault for not being psychic.

The Biscuit Budget Rule 

The value of client hospitality is inversely proportional to the size of the fee. 

The Law of Magical Thinking 

Some clients believe tax bills shrink if you glare at them long enough. 

The PDF Law 

Any document urgently needed will be sent as a photo of a printed PDF taken at an angle. 

The Law of Refund Envy 

Clients who owe tax will always know someone who got a refund, and want to know why you didn’t work that same magic.

Why do HMRC pursue odd tax cases?

Years ago I recall discussing HMRC prosecution policy with a senior official. 

He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong. 

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case", he said. "So why did we lose?" 

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know". 

"Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."

Clients' reactions to being told how much tax they need to pay

“Are you sure you typed the decimal point in the right place?” 

“Do I at least get a thank-you card from HMRC?” 

“And I suppose you’ll be asking me to pay it, not you?” 

“What if I just… didn’t? Hypothetically, of course.” “

“You must be confusing me with someone who actually has that kind of money.” 

“Is this tax or some sort of punishment for being moderately successful?” 

“Remind me again why I thought going self-employed was a good idea?” 

"Are you on some sort of flipping commission for the taxman?!"

"Do you get some sort of sadistic pleasure from the amount of tax you're telling me I owe?"

The 6 worst things that happen to auditors

1. Getting in early only to find the manager who's got all the answers is not in today. 
2. Being asked to process a whole shed-load of material adjustments 1 hour before the audit is supposed to finish. 
3. Realising that the 'we-could-finish-a-week-early-and-have-a-jolly' budget has disappeared into thin air. 
4. Being shoved into a cold, pokey, little room in the basement with no windows, mobile phone reception, printer or copier, miles away from where all the people you need to speak to work and 12 floors from the nearest decent snacks vending machine. 
5. Having to ask the difficult finance manager at a client the same questions you know they get frustrated having to answer every year as they explain that nothing has changed. 
6. Finding out that your favourite prestigious audit client has gone bust and your audit partner has gone missing.

Why is there always a vacany for a Finance Director?

If the FD is really good, he will be headhunted - leaving a vacancy 

If the FD is really bad, he will be fired - leaving a vacancy 

If the company prospers the FD may well land the top job - leaving a vacancy 

If the MD dies or retires only the FD has sufficient familiarity with all aspects of the business to take over - leaving a vacancy 

If the company is doing badly, the FD will know first and will leave before anybody else finds out - leaving a vacancy 

 (According to Peter Vaines and Roger Nuttall in their book "The Bottom Line")

What happens when professionals make a mistake?

A doctor's mistake is buried A lawyer's mistake is imprisoned A pharmacist's mistake is poisoned An architect’s mistake becomes a 'feature', An IT expert’s mistake is blamed on 'user error' But, an accountant's mistake is... ....adjusted, corrected and reconciled!

10 reasons accountants make great friends

1. They're an asset that never depreciates 
2. They can work out how to split the bill after a meal (and could do so before apps were developed to resolve this important life skill) 
3. You can always count on them 
4. They make everything balance and give credit where it's due
5. They're used to deadlines – and will still turn up to your party on time
6. They won't judge your spreadsheet, but they might colour-code it.
7. They're used to balancing competing priorities – like beer versus wine.
8. If things go wrong, they'll calmly say: “Let’s see where the numbers don’t add up.”
9. They believe in full disclosure – unless you ask how much they really love spreadsheets
10. They appreciate long-term value – so they’ll never take you for granted

A good deal?

 A friend proudly told me that he no longer needed his accountant as he'd decided to go the DIY route.

I'd previously said I couldn't help as it's a long time since I gave anyone tax advice. 

"No problems" he replied. I've bought a couple of books that I'm sure will tell me all I need to know. 

"I'm pleased for you" I said, having long since given up on getting him to appreciate the advice he would get from a decent accountant - rather than the cheapest one he could find each year.

"What books are they?" I asked.

"One is 'Accounting for Dummies', the other one is 'Tax saving strategies for consultants'. They were reduced to £8 each or two for £19".

Says it all really!

He would have been a true financial wizard

Back when I was Chairman of the ICAEW Tax Faculty I was also on The Institute's Council. I well recall that during one Council conference we discussed what the Institute could do to make chartered accountancy more sexy and appealing as a career option. 

One of the best suggestions I can recall was to encourage a then relatively new author, JK Rowling, to change the direction of a series of books she was writing about a boy wizard. 

We thought it would be great if we could encourage her to end the series with Harry Potter graduating from Hogwarts and going off to start a career as a chartered accountant. 

We thought that might inspire thousands of potential financial wizards to follow his lead. 

I never read the last book or saw the final film but I know it didn't happen. Is it too late to petition that the forthcoming new tv series adopts this idea? 

Personalised number plates for accountants

Years ago I recall David Winch of Accounting Evidence telling me how proud he was of his number plate that incorporates his qualification initials FCA.

I also recall an auditor whose number plate was AUD 1T and a tax specialist who had TAX 1NG

But my favourite was the ex-Inspector of taxes who had a number plate S99 TMA. He told me loved parking next to cars at accounting conferences and other events, that had VAT or TAX or CA on their number plates just to give them an unsubtle reminder.

A dozen laws of accountancy that weren't covered in your studies

1. Trial balances don’t. (Not always, anyway)
2. Working capital does not. (Work, that is)
3. Liquidity tends to run out. (Faster than you think)
4. The bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg. (What lies beneath matters more)
5. Depreciation is inevitable. (For assets and accountants)
6. Forecasts are mostly fiction. (But we make them anyway)
7. Profit is an opinion, cash is a fact. (Ask any struggling business)
8.        The auditor is always right. (Especially when they say you're wrong)
9.        A budget is a wild guess wrapped in spreadsheets
10.        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary account
11.        An accountant is a person who will explain that you did not make the money you thought you had
12.        If in doubt, reconcile. (Then reconcile again)

What is Cross tax?

You'd be forgiven if you've never heard of 'cross tax' although it's been referenced in HMRC's compliance handbook for many years.

Does it mean: 

a) What you get when HMRC staff are overstressed and unhappy? 

b) A big balancing payment that a client wasn't expecting to have to pay? 

c) How clients will describe the additional fees accountants charge for quarterly MTD returns? or 

d) 'Across the taxes’ as opposed to applying to just one area, such as corporation tax? 

The correct answer is (d)

Image ideas for an accountants' website

Years ago an architect blew me away by showing me a few photos on his smartphone during a networking event. They reinforced what he was saying about the style of houses he had designed for clients.

How might accountants do something similar? 

The following list does not contain the most serious of suggestions!

The car parking spaces reserved for clients behind your office in the centre of town? 

Proof that you make life easier for clients 

An officer from HMRC looking bloodied and bruised after a long meeting during which you successfully defended a client's tax position? 

A (hopefully metaphorical!) demonstration of how fiercely you fight your clients' corner. 

 Your burly-looking partner - the one who gets sent to negotiate with the taxman? 

Visual proof that your firm doesn’t back down easily when it comes to protecting clients. 

A calculator with a worn-out keypad

Evidence that behind every great accountant is a calculator hanging on for dear life. 

 

A picture of your team burning the midnight oil before a big deadline. 

Because clients don’t always see the long hours you put in to make their lives easier. 

 

Your “red pen of doom” used to mark up dodgy client expense claims! 

Evidence that, no, your client cannot claim their holiday to Ibiza as “research.” 

A “Not Today, HMRC” coffee mug

A subtle reminder that you know exactly how to keep tax officials in check. 

 

A motivational poster on your office wall: "Some People Dream of Success. Accountants Reconcile It." Because even accountants deserve an inspirational quote (especially one that’s actually true).

When all is not as it seems

The company HR director and CEO had carefully interviewed a dozen people for the job of assistant to the financial director. 

The chief executive thought that one candidate - Charles - seemed ideal. 

Charles had been to a major public school. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a masters degree in business administration. 

He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques. 'Charles,' said the chief executive, we've decided to offer you the job. 

And as you're so well qualified we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you £120,000 a year. 

 'Thank you,' replied Charles. 'But how much is that per month?

When the taxman chases the recently departed

A few weeks after Bernie died, his sister, Susie, intercepted a letter sent to him by HMRC. It was a request for a tax return.

Susie took the letter to her accountant who, after asking a few questions, suggested she reply as follows and pp the letter 'from Bernie (deceased)':

One of the advantages of having died is that there is no tax in heaven. It's a beautiful place. When I was alive I paid tax through the PAYE system and had not had any direct dealings with the taxman for many years. I can't say I'm that fussed about the outstanding return as I had no unearned income and left very little in the way of an inheritance for my sole living relative, my sister. Also, such matters seem so mundane since my recent demise. I might add that I have not yet met anyone from HMRC up here!

How to persuade the taxman your dog is a tax deductible business expense

Many years ago a publican had a meeting with a tax inspector in his pub. The publican had been claiming tax relief in respect the upkeep of his 'guard dog' but the taxman was unwilling to concede that this was acceptable.

The publican pointed out that upstairs in the pub were both the dog and the lunchtime takings. He invited the taxman to go upstairs, on his own, and if the taxman returned with the takings the publican would agree to add back the disputed expenses.

The taxman refused to go upstairs and allowed the expense in full.

My thanks to Barry Jefford of George Hay, Chartered Accountants, for the story which was told to him by his client, being the publican in question.

Valentine messages for the accountant in your life

Debits are left
Credits are right
When I looked at you
Love at first sight.

----

I’d adjust any entry
To keep us aligned,
Because in the ledger of love,
You’re one of a kind.

----

Without you, my life would be like a one-sided journal entry - unbalanced and incomplete.

----

Let’s capitalise on our love and carry it forward forever.

----

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My heart’s net profit
Will always be you.

Popular Google searches about tax

Listed below are some of the suggestions from Google based on popular searches 

Why is tax.... 

                 ... so high in the uk? 

                 ... year April to April?

                 ... important? 

                 ... law so complicated?

                 ... reform needed?

                 ... deducted at source?

                 ... theft?

                 ... avoidance legal?

                 ... avoidance unethical?

                 ... going digital?

What is tax...

                 ... deductible?   

                 ... planning?

                 ... residency?

                 ... relief?

                 ... on savings?

                 ... on capital gains?

                 ... on gifts?

                 ... for self employed?

                 ... avoidance?   

                 ... evasion?   

Famous classic films remade especially for accountants

Star Wars: Tax Return of the Jedi

Double Entry Indemnity, shown with: Double Insolvency

Journal to the Centre of the Earth

Abridged Too Far

Audit About Eve, and the follow up: Auditors of the Lost Ark

Trial balance of the century

VAT on a Hot Tin Roof

Evasion of the income snatchers

Far From the Adding Crowd

The Returns Of The Pink Panther

The Jungle Bookkeeper

Close enough encounters

Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom

Fatal subtraction, and the sequel: Fatal deduction

Why do people leave filing their tax returns to the last minute?

As we approach the 31 January filing deadline for filing personal self assessment tax returns, I asked a few taxpayers why they leave things to the last minute. A selection of their replies follows: 

Flights to Panama are cheaper in January. 

I've made HMRC my best and only deal available. It's their choice to either accept it, walk away, or it's no deal.

Fear of figures 

My girlfriend said she'd do it for me 

HMRC = Hold Money Past Christmas, I Have Many Reliefs to Claim or Hope My Rebate Comes 

I know exactly when the last minute is. The first minute though...? 

If it wasn't for the last minute I'd never get anything done. 

I've got plenty of time as the last minute isn't due for another 4 or 5 billion years.

Are accountants the best patients for surgeons to operate on?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 

 The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and backside are interchangeable."