7 Christmas Cracker jokes for accountants

 What's the biggest overhead in Santa's accounts? 

- Private Elf care 

What’s an accountant’s favourite Christmas carol?
- Debit bells, debit bells, debits all the way!

Why does Santa pay so little tax? 

- He claims Gift Relief (Gift Aid would've been funnier) 

What is the employment tax status of Santa’s helpers? 

- Elf-employed

Why are accountants terrible at Christmas charades?
They insist on doing a full disclosure before acting anything out.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? 

- Net Present Value. 

Why did Santa get in trouble with the tax man?

- He missed the deadline on his elf-assessment.

A tax themed Christmas Carol

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh

For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais

To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,

We've tailed you all the way.

You're go-o- ing to pris-i-on old boy!

Oh what a joy!

You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly (as it was back then) and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Films that might have been about tax evasion

Film titles adapted to suggest tax evasion related topics:

• Fatal Deduction
• Force Ten Grand from Navarone
• Returns of the Pink Panther 
• Ocean's P11D 
• Shawshank Tax Redemption 
• The Accountant of Monte Cristo 
• The Italian (cash in hand) job 
• Von Ryan's Expenses 
• A Tax Inspector Calls 
• Evasion of the Bodysnatchers 
• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Evasion But Were Afraid to Ask 
• Friends with Benefits-in-Kind 
• Fiddler on the Roof (ok this one didn't need adapting!)

Any more?

There's no such thing as free advice

A doctor and an accountant were seated together at a formal awards dinner.

The accountant watched bemused as the guy sitting on the other side of the doctor sought his advice about how to alleviate his back pain. The doctor gave some medical advice, then turned to the accountant and continued chatting with him. Later he confessed "I really hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

The accountant replied "I know exactly what you mean. It happens all the time to me too."

"How do you handle it?" asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer when you are asked for your advice at a social gathering."

"Simple" said the accountant. "I give a little advice and the next day I send them a £50 bill for consultancy services".

"What a great idea" said the doctor. "I think that would work for me. I must remember to try it." But by the time he got home he'd already forgotten about sending a bill to the man with the back pain.

He remembered the next morning though when he opened his post. In it was note from the accountant with a bill for £50!

This is a joke I've told many times over the years, since long before I found a version of it in the book Revenge of the Taxpayer 

True story about an ex-chartered accountant

True story - An accountant in his sixties sells part of his practice. He keeps a few favoured clients and stops paying his Institute subs.

He tells a friend that "My clients don't care whether I keep paying my subs etc and I don't need the pressure of prospective visits from the Practice Assurance team - or anyone else." 

The friend reminds him that he won't be able to describe himself as a Chartered Accountant any more or to give references that rely on that description.

A few weeks later the accountant meets his friend again. "I remembered what you said about references so last time I was asked for one I simply put "Ex-Chartered Accountant".

"How did your client respond?" asked the friend.

"Oh - I think he was pleased. He didn't say anything but I heard him later telling someone I was an EXcellent accountant."

Songs that might have been about tax avoidance

Maybe these were the original titles of popular songs:

1. April 6th Showers 
2. Savin' All My Tax For Me 
3. VAT's love got to do with it? 
4. H.M.R.C (to the tune of Y.M.C.A) 
5. God Rest PAYE Merry Gentlemen 
6. TAX! Who is it good for? Absolutely not me! 
7. Cayman Feel The Noize 
8. BVI, I, I, Delilah 
9. Big yellow tax dodge 
10. Ferry Cost To Jersey 
11. Strangers on the offshore 
12. The loot of love 
13. Wake me up before Monaco-go 
14. I'll be Revenue in all the old familiar places
15. 'Cos I Am a Rich Man

Were the Owl and the Pussycat involved in tax avoidance?

A simple analysis suggests that this Edward Lear poem is all about tax avoidance.

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea [going offshore obviously] In a beautiful pea green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money, [evidently cash] Wrapped up in a five pound note. [money laundering perhaps?]

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl! How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?' They sailed away, for a year and a day, To the land where the Bong-tree grows [obviously a tax haven]

The big clue is in that penultimate line. Leaving the UK for a year and a day is the minimum period of absence required to ensure that they secured non-resident status under the rules then in place.

The above analysis was offered in 2009 by Andrew Hubbard, now Editor in Chief of Taxation magazine, when he was newly installed as President of CIOT, after the Chartered Tax Advisers' address on the anniversary of Edward Lear's birthday.

T-shirts for accountants

Perhaps the original here was the T-shirt that offered a definition of an accountant:

"Someone who does precision guesswork, based on unreliable data, provided by those of questionable knowledge - See also wizard, magician"

If you know me, you'll know why this has always appealed.

Others you might prefer include:

"Life’s a balance sheet – assets, liabilities, and too much depreciation." 

"Accountant by day, spreadsheet ninja by night."  

"People think accountants are boring… until they need one. Then we’re rockstars!" 

"My life’s mission: trying to explain to people what a ‘debit’ really is." 

"I tried ‘work-life balance’ once. The formula didn’t add up."

"Some say love makes the world go round. I say it’s double-entry bookkeeping." 

"Being an accountant: the daily thrill of being almost accurate!"

10 experiences that prove you're an accountant

1. Wincing when someone says, "Can’t you just fudge the numbers a bit?"
2. Memorising the HMRC Agent Dedicated Line number memorised but struggling to recall the same for your significant other.
3. Trying to hide that you are an accountant from fellow members of your social, sporting or volunteer  group to avoid being pressured to takeover as Treasurer. 
4. Correcting an error on someone else’s spreadsheet then feeling smug for the rest of the day. 
5. Being slightly disappointed that the film The Accountant didn’t contain much actual accountancy.
6. Inadvertently snarling when someone uses the term “bean counter”. 
7. Wearily correcting ridiculous tax-relief schemes down the pub (no, your Labrodoodle is not a guard dog).
8. Being disappointed there aren’t any TV dramas like Grey’s Anatomy or Suits made about accountants. 
9. Putting “retired” on your conference badge so vendors don't hassle you.
10. Constantly battling the urge to colour-code everything, even your sock drawer.

6 tax deduction one-liners

Every year my friend asks if he can deduct the cost of his jogging shoes for tax purposes. It’s a running joke.

My client recently started a gardening business because he wanted to grow his net income.

Another client wanted to write off  the cost of a new bespoke suit. They said it would be a tailored deduction.

It would be wrong to claim a deduction for a new watch, but it could be a timely mistake.

My friend wanted to deduct the cost of his glasses. I told him that was short-sighted.

And anyone who thinks they can claim their morning coffee as a business expense should note that’s a perk, not a write-off.

Fun names for accountancy firms, or internal names for teams

 There's a firm of accountants in South Africa called 'Doughgetters'. 

That prompted me to look out for other such names. I found these:

• The Accountables
• Accruing respect
• The 3 Bs - Big Bad Bookkeepers
• The cash kings
• The counting consultants
• The counting Countesses
• Double entry deviants
• Figure fraternisers
• Ledgerndary
• Ledger lovers
• LIFO the party
• Ruler of the results
• Sir count-a-lot
• Taxmanian devils
• Three balance sheets to the wind

Others which are perhaps less positive include:

• The Accountaholics
• The bad assets
• Between the spreadsheets
• The cash cows
• Dealers in debits and credits
• Journal junkies
• The pirates of the accountancy
• Spreadsheet snoops
• Sums of anarchy
• Tax terrorists
• The uncountables
• Year end yearners

Reasons NOT to visit your accountant

 It all depends on who you are, but you may have a good reason NOT to visit your accountant. For example: 

•  The structural engineer won’t go if he’s too worried the office will collapse on him. 
• The resting ac-tor, worried they can't claim expenses against the novel they aren't writing. 
• The owner of a paper shop whose business has folded. 
• The owner of a Kipper business that went up in smoke. 
• The Psychic who couldn't go because they hadn't foreseen the travel restrictions. 
• The motor car manufacturer wont go because....don't get me started. 
• The carpet maker feared the accountant would pull the rug out from underneath. They also didn't want to be nailed by the tacks man! 
• The violinist didn't go as she didn't want to be accused of being on the fiddle. 
• The drill operator thought it would be too boring. 
• The watchmaker didn't have the time. 
• The carpenter felt it would go against the grain.

10 ways to run your accounting firm like the Starship Enterprise

 I have always been a fan of Star Trek. Here are some crossover ideas for accountants:

1.  Encourage staff to think like Spock when making deductions—logical, precise, and with the odd raised eyebrow.
2. Take inspiration from the Borg and assimilate new software updates: "Resistance is futile." 
3. Declare "red alert" status whenever a client’s tax return deadline is looming. 
4. Offer “Q Continuum” consulting services for clients who want the impossible done instantly. 
5. Schedule regular "away missions" to clients' offices—just remember to wear red shirts cautiously.
6.  Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.
7. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.
8. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he or she asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.
9. Install a "universal translator" to decode the jargon from clients in niche industries.
10. Designate a "star date" system for deadlines, so no one can ever say they didn't know when the reports were due.

An ode to auditing

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say 

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Contributed by Stephen Purham and originally published on AccountingWeb

Which parrot should the accountant buy?

 An accountant went into a pet shop to buy a parrot for company in his office.

The shop owner showed him a pretty parrot on a perch and explained that it was ideal for an accountant as it knew some mild swear words but only used them when it heard someone say  "HMRC".

The accountant asked how much it was and the shop owner said it was only a hundred pounds.

The accountant felt he could invest more than this so asked if there were any other parrots.

"Certainly" replied the shop owner. "This blue one doesn't swear at the taxman but he will learn your clients' names and greet them personally whenever they come into your office. This one is for sale at one thousand pounds".

This was more than the accountant wanted to spend so he asked the price and talents of a third parrot that was sitting quietly in the corner of the pet shop.

"Aha" said the shop owner. "That's the most expensive parrot. It costs five thousand pounds".

The accountant was astonished any parrot could cost that much. "What the heck can it do?"

To which the shop owner replied "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two say he's their Senior Partner."

A customer complains to HMRC

Dear Inspector of Taxes 

I see from your website that you regard me as a customer. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

Let me tell you why my wife and I are fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after us of late: 

 - To help even out our cashflow, when we have surplus funds, we lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of our forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send us statements that show us where we stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and you seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea about how to look after your customers. 

As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. 

I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is you supply. 

Yours faithfully.

 ---- 

The above letter was written to the Tax Office by a taxpayer who copied it to his accountant Huw Williams of HM Williams, Chartered Accountants.

Paying tax with a smile

 At the end of a serious tax investigation, the Inspector of Taxes announced that the taxpayer owed over £10,000.  The Inspector continued: "You know, paying tax is your civic duty and you should be proud to do what's right. I'd like to see you settle your liability with a smile."

To which the recalcitrant taxpayer replied: "Thank Goodness for that. I thought you'd want money."

Thanks to Mike Thexton for this old joke.

What do the initials HMRC really stand for?

 In the UK we recognise 'HMRC' as standing for His Majesty's Revenue and Customs - the body created by the merger of Inland Revenue and HM Customs and Excise in 2005. 

What else might the letters represent?  Officially the answers are:

• Health Management Research Center (University of Michigan) 
• Human Mobility Research Centre (Queen’s University and Kingston General Hospital partnership; Ontario, Canada) 
• Helicopter Multi-Role Computer 
• Hierarchical Maximal Ratio Combining 
• His Majesty's Royal Communications (Jordan)

But let's be more inventive: 

• Help Me Recover Cash
  Hiding My Rewards Carefully
• Holding My Rewards Callously
• How Might Rhianna Cover-up?
• Hold My Rubber Chicken

Can you do better?

Ten dodgy tax tips best ignored

 

1. Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits
2. Live on a boat and claim you're 'offshore' for tax purposes
3. Don't worry about getting receipts 
4. Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do
5. Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax
6. Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks
7. Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
8. Pay your employees in chocolate coins – it’s a sweet deal for everyone
9. Claim your garden gnomes as security personnel
10. Set up a fake moustache business so you can disguise your profits

Free tax advice?

Years ago I heard a great story that accountant Keith Lawrence assured me was true.

He had taken an initial phone call from someone wanting help with their tax. 

After a brief conversation Keith invited them in to meet with him to see if he could help (and to see if he wanted to take them on as a client). 

On their arrival the 'client' looked around and expressed a little surprise that the office was smaller than he'd expected. He was also surprised to learn that Keith was an accountant as well as a tax adviser. The client just wanted tax advice. 

They sat down together and the 'client' started to explain his tax problem. When Keith raised the question of fees the 'client' was shocked. He'd assumed that tax advice was free. 

After a few moments it then became apparent to Keith why the 'client' was so confused. He thought he had called The tax office. HMRC.

If Pointless asked 100 Tax Inspectors......

Pointless is a popular British TV quiz show where contestants try to find the most obscure correct answers to general knowledge questions. 

The aim is to score the fewest points, with the best answers being those that no one else has thought of. 

Normally the questions are tested on a random group of 100 people.

But imagine if the questions were tested on HMRC staff.

Alexander Armstrong might then have to say:

"We asked 100 tax inspectors to name an obscure expense that qualifies for tax relief"

What might be the pointless answers?

Other questions that might be asked of the same group of tax inspectors include:

"We asked 100 tax inspectors to name their favourite Chancellor"

"We asked 100 tax inspectors to identify their least favourite tax loophole?"

"We asked 100 tax inspectors to name their favourite tax case"

What might be the pointless answers in each case do you think? 

3 groan inducing accountancy jokes

The taxman wanted to know why a farmer felt he could get tax relief for a £500 expense listed as ‘entertainment’?” 

The farmer replied, “That’s for my scarecrow. It entertains the crows.” 

A client whose accountant maintained his books in the cloud had the perfect justification for keeping all his paperwork in a shoebox.

He was a sole trader.

A trainee was curious about a regular payment passing through a client's bank accountant. The client supplied copies of his bank statements with notes written beside each transaction. 

The trainee asked the accountant what business the client was in and learned he was a car mechanic. 

At which point the trainee asked 'So why does he buy so many Drawings'.

Why accountants' friends don't understand them

1. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
2. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
3. They believe tax season only lasts a week
4. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
5. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
6. They only call when they want tax advice
7. New versions of Excel are really exciting
8. "Variance analysis" sounds like a psychological condition
9. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits
10. They think "fiscal year" is just a typo for "physical year"
11. "Amortisation" sounds like a spell from Harry Potter
12. They think "FIFO" and "LIFO" are new dance moves

Leaked conversation between Rachel Reeves and Jim Harra

Ahead of the 2024 General Election, The then Shadow Chancellor, Rachel Reeves met with the Head of HMRC, Jim Harra.

"You will understand" said Rachel "that we are under pressure to simply our complex tax system. What can we do?’ 

"I can help you there" said Jim. "I recommend you legislate one simple new tax law".

"It should make clear that from now on everyone, especially the bankers, accountants, lawyers and tax avoiders must stop focusing on the precise wording of tax laws". 

"Instead  they should act in accordance with the Government's intentions when making those laws. No one need bother about the written laws ever again! We could call this concept 'the spirit of the law'."

Rachel smiled. "That sounds good, except for one point that's not obvious to me. How do I know what my intentions were?" ‘I just pass on the laws you give me." 

That's easy" replied Jim. "I shall be more than happy to tell you what your Government’s intentions were, should the need ever arise". 

Being a good accountant takes 5% talent and...

Being a good accountant takes...

.... 5% talent, 13% maths and 81% spotting what's been missed

Being a good accountant takes....

 ... 10% attitude and 90% knowing what's right and what's wrong 

Being a good accountant takes....

... 5% talent and 95% avoiding distractions on the internet

10 amusing compliments for accountants

 

1. "You make balancing my books look easier than balancing on a tightrope!"
2. "You have the magic touch—turning tax forms into refunds!"
3. "You're better than my favourite calculator!"
4. "If accounting were an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist!"
5. "You're the maestro of money management!"
6. "You turn my financial fears into fiscal fortunes!"
7. "If my finances were a jigsaw puzzle, you'd be the one to put all the pieces together!"
8. "You're the GPS guiding me through the jungle of taxes!"
9. "You make my balance sheet a thing of beauty!"
10. "You transform my tax returns from scary monsters into friendly faces!"

An accountant's approach to a suggestion scheme

A firm of accountants (that shall remain nameless) wanted to engage their staff in an efficiency drive so that everyone understood the need to be careful with the firm's money. 

The partners introduced a suggestion scheme facility and promised a prize of £100 for the best suggestion each month - in terms of a simple to implement money saving measure. 

The £100 prize was only awarded once. 

It went to an audit manager who suggested reducing the monthly prize to £50.

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

..you balance your family’s budget to the penny

..you’ve ever used a VLOOKUP function in a conversation

..you have a special drawer for tax papers

..you know the depreciation schedule for your car

..you always end up taking about tax issues when you attend a party 

..you analyse the cost-effectiveness of every purchase

...you consider a calculator to be a desk ornament

..you bring up tax deductions in casual conversation

..you create a spreadsheet to compare different mobile phone plans

..you ever analyse the cost-benefit of buying a cup of coffee vs making it at home

How to reduce a client's tax bill

Conversation with a client...

Me: "You've made a taxable profit for the year of £25,000. This means a corporation tax liability of £4,750."

Client: "Is there any way to eliminate the tax bill completely? My mate down the pub said his accountant sorted it so he didn't have to pay any tax."

Me: 🤔 "Well, you could agree to pay me £25,000 in accountancy fees, then your taxable profit will be NIL. NIL profit = NIL tax 

Disclaimer: Whilst this is factually correct, it is not how I do business (duh! 🤣)

BTW The client knew I was joking!

As told by Accountant Nicola J Sorrell on Linkedin

Why people engage an accountant...

 Why people engage an accountant....

HMRC: You owe us money. It's called taxes.

YOU: How much do I owe?

HMRC: You have to figure that out.

YOU: I can just pay what I want?

HMRC: Oh, no. We can guess how much you owe. But you need to guess it first. Or work it out properly - which we prefer.

YOU: What if I get it wrong?

HMRC: We'll fine you or send you to prison!

YOU: I need help!!

What does 'certified' copies mean?

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies. It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations.

An accountant told me recently that a new client recently sent him a package. 

On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else? 

Another one. Same as the first. 

And another, and another. 

Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport. 

None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone.

The accountant called the client to acknowledge receipt of the package and to find out why he had sent so many copies - and not had any of them certified.

The client was pleased to hear the package had arrived safely.

"But I still don't know why you asked for 35 copies."

For every tax problem...

 For every tax problem there is a solution - which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

Before PwC, before Coopers & Lybrand, there was Cooper Brothers.....

PwC was initially called PriceWaterhouseCoopers having been formed by the merger of Coopers and Lybrand and Price Waterhouse.

Long before that merger Coopers & Lybrand was originally called Cooper Brothers and based in Gutter Lane, London. 

Indeed they may have been the only building with an address identified as being in Gutter Lane. 

Legend has it that at one stage the partners wrote to the Corporation of London suggesting that, in view of their long tenancy, it might be appropriate to rename the place Coopers Lane. 

The Corporation, so the story goes, wrote back saying "As we've been here longer why don't you change your name to Gutter Brothers." 

Post script: I was told a while back that when, much more recently, the Corporation was selling off at auction the old City street signs, Coopers & Lybrand bought the Gutter Lane set.

Are some tax advisers paying more than they need to?

Some years ago on my first visit to Penrith, Cumbria, to present a talk to the local CIOT branch, I took a cab to the venue. 

The driver asked me what I was doing in Penrith and I explained: “I’m here to give a lecture to a group of tax advisers”. 

For a moment I was thrown as he seemed very miffed. 

It then became clear from his reply that he had misheard me: “It would be nice to have been invited. I’ve been a taxi driver here for over ten years!” I was unable to keep a straight face! 

I shared the story during my talk and at the tea-break one of the delegates came over to explain she’d had a similar problem recently. 

When arranging her car insurance by phone, she was astonished by the premium quote. It was more than 8 times what she had paid the previous year. 

She queried the figure and was told this was due to her profession, and the risks inherent in this. “What are the inherent risks of being a tax adviser?” she asked. 

At which point it became apparent the insurer had thought she said she was a ‘taxi driver’.

"Morton's Fork" - the rock and a hard place options for taxpayers

The expression "Morton's Fork" originates from a policy of tax collection.

It was devised by John Morton, who was Lord Chancellor of England in 1487, under the rule of King Henry VII. 

Morton's approach was that if the subject lived in luxury and had clearly spent a lot of money on himself, he obviously had sufficient income to spare for the king. 

Alternatively, if the subject lived frugally, and showed no sign of being wealthy, he must have substantial savings and could therefore afford to give it to the king. 

These arguments were the two prongs of the fork and regardless of whether the subject was rich or poor, he did not have a favourable choice. 

The phrase is rarely used these days as there is a more common analogy when someone has a dilemma and has to choose between two equally unpleasant alternatives. 

We tend to say that they are either "Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" or "Between a rock and a hard place".

The accountant with a special time clock

Years ago there was an unscrupulous accountant who always overcharged his customers. 

 He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours. 

He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours. 

 He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife. 

He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife. 

 The latter was his most proud accomplishment. Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later. 

He remonstrated with her “Dear why would you leave me? I have given you money, a fine house, companionship and a great love life!” 

She replied, “True, you have given me money and a fine house – although by ill gotten gains. Your companionship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!”

Are all accountants....?

When you start searching in Google you may have noticed that it often offers to complete your search string. 

In effect the system recognises and offers you the rest of what other people have searched for even if the words are in a different order. 

Here are some of the suggestions Google offered me recently by reference to the few words I typed in each case: 

Are all accountants.... 

.... the same?

.... boring?

..... alcoholics?

Why are most accountants.... 

.....female? (a surprisingly common question it seems, possibly related to the film industry where the accountants named in the credits are indeed invariably female)

....quitting?

Why don't accountants....

....make much money?

....have unions?

....get paid overtime?

Can accountants....

....certify documents?

....sign passports?

....get rich?

....work from home?

....be replaced by AI?

....have tattoos?

10 pop bands featuring accountants - or do they?

• Ledger Zeppelin 
• The Rolling Balances 
• Fleetwood Macroeconomics 
• The Balance Sheetles 
• The Fiscal Fighters 
• The Profit Margin Boys
• The Doublie Entry Bothers 
• The Black Eyed P&Ls 
• Cashabian
• ABBA (Accountants Balancing Books Always)

HOW strong is HMRC's case?

Years ago a senior official was talking about HMRC prosecution policy. He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong.

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case" he said. "So why did we lose?"

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know.

Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."

Money, Money, Money - fun quotes

 "There's money. And then there's MY money"

- Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
- Woody Allen

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money"
- George Burns

"One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have."
- Gerald Hurst,  

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

Accountants are so annoying (in rhyme)

He sits at his desk 

With his horn-rimmed specs 

Doing sums on a calculator 

And come rain or shine 

You know bloody fine 

There's a bill to pay sooner or later. 

He adds and subtracts 

And works out your tax 

Messing about with the figures. 

You've done fairly well 

So how in the hell 

Is that overdraft still gettin' bigger? 

Those accounts are too much 

It's all double dutch 

So you 'phone up for him to explain. 

But his office PA says 'haven't you heard' 

He's away in his office in Spain." 

Henry Brewis in the Farming Press. As reported in 'The Bottom line' by Vaines and Nuttall

Justifying why NOT to file tax returns

The following are a summary of some of the points argued by a Mr Bell in letters to HMRC and the lower tier Tax Tribunal as to why he considered that he was not required to file tax returns:

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As all humans are created equal, government and the making of legislation requires the consent of the governed

All humans have an absolute right to own property which is gained as a result of their own efforts. Taxation imposed by HMRC is coercive seizure of rightfully held property and cannot be justified.

It is essential that HMRC issue Mr Bell with a statement that they recognise that it is the right of the UK people to govern themselves, and that every individual owns the right to property. Failure to do so demonstrates total absence of bone fide intent on the part of HMRC, in that they are knowingly complicit in Parliament's attempts to strip us of these fundamental rights through the machinery of the law

Liberty is valued second only to life itself

Peaceful resolution of dispute requires submission to reason

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Unsurprisingly these arguments were unsuccessful!

Bell v Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs [2009] UKFTT 270 (TC)

The 10 commandments for clients of accountants

1. You shall have no other advisers beyond me

2. You shall not make for yourself any graven image of a tax inspector to throw darts at.

3. You shall not take the name of the Chancellor in vain (more than once a week)

4. Remember the 31st of January to keep it holy. If you have not saved up to pay your tax by then, you may as well rest on that day.

5. Honour your accountant and tax adviser, who are doing a very good job for you.

6. You shall not murder or evade tax (but avoidance is ok - sometimes).

7. You shall not commit adultery – because marriage is tax efficient.

8. You shall not steal or hide cash offshore.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour, unless your neighbour is a benefits thief or a Lord who has defrauded the public.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s personal services company, family trust or low tax bill (as YOUR circumstances are different!)

What do you call HMRC?

His Majesty's Revenue and Customs is typically only ever referenced as HMRC.

Not everyone uses the acronym politely. A couple of variations I have heard are:

HM Mars C - emphasising that negotiations can be warlike (Mars being the Greek god of war)

and

HM Arsy - an equally negative sounding approach.

Any more?

VAT deregistration on death

An older accountant told me what happened to a client after they had died.

The accountant had notified HMRC of the death and deregistered the client from VAT.

Imagine the accountant's surprise to then receive been told nby the client's widow of a follow up letter sent to her deceased husband.

The VAT office letter said: 

"We are sorry to learn of your recent demise. We have processed your request for deregistration but if at any time in the future you become liable to be VAT registered again, you should apply to this office for a new VAT number."

12 ways to have fun completing your tax return

1. Do it while wearing your favourite fancy dress.
2. Every time you claim a deduction, do a victory dance. 
3. Add happy or sad emojis wherever you can on the tax returns 
4. Invent a new tax category for "unavoidable chocolate expenses." 
5. Write a tax-themed haiku for each page you fill out. 
6. Do it naked
7. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately."
8. Design a tax-themed tattoo for each deduction you claim. 
9. Translate all financial jargon into Shakespearean language. 
10. Attach a ransom note demanding a tax refund for the safe return of your financial sanity. 
11. Insist on using interpretive dance to explain any discrepancies in your return. 
12. Write a heartfelt letter to HMRC, explaining why you believe you should be taxed in chocolate coins instead.

Accountants who play 'chicken' in January

I first came across this concept many years ago:

An accountant told me that they play a version of Chicken each year as an incentive to get all of their clients' tax returns in on time. 

They said they always leaves their own tax return to be the last one filed by their practice each January.  And that, on one occasion they did this at 23:59!

Does anyone else play daft games like this at year end?

Acronyms for different client types

• DINKYs - Dual Income, No Kids Yet
• DONKEYs - Dual Overdraft, No Kids Yet
• MINKs - Multiple Income, No Kids
• OPALs - Older People, Active Lifestyle
• SWELL - Single Woman Earning Lots in London
• SEMI - Suburban Executive MIddle manager
• MACs - Married And Comfortable
• SITCOM - Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage
• LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dope
• SMARTIEs - Smart, Middle Aged, Risk Taking Individuals
• PIPPies - People who Inherited Parents' Properties
• WOOPies - Well Off Older People
• FIZZ - Financially Independent, Zero Zeal, 
• CHEERS - Couples Having Excessive Expenses, Really Splurging 
• WITTY - Well-Invested, Thrifty, and Totally Young-at-heart 
• CHARMs - Couples Happily Avoiding Real Money 
• PAMPERs - Professionals Accumulating Money, Planning Exotic Retreats

Punny accountant and their clients

A punny accountant was describing some of his clients:

I assisted a bakery recently; they needed help with their financial dough-cuments. Ensured their profits were well-kneaded, proving accountancy isn't just a piece of cake. 

Dealing with a fitness centre was taxing, but I managed to balance their accounts without breaking a sweat. It seems crunches aren't the only thing that requires precision! 

Handled the finances for a music store, making sure their financial harmony was pitch-perfect. Balancing the books was a real score! 

Collaborated with a coffee shop on their accounts. It seems financial balance is a bit like the perfect blend – it requires the right mix. 

Partnered with a fashion boutique to tailor their financial strategy. It turns out balancing the books is just as important as finding the right fit.