Who knows what ACA stands for?

Assume you didn't know that an ACA is an Associate of the Institute of Chartered Accountants in England and Wales (ICAEW). What would you find out if you looked online?

Here is just a selection:

• The Affordable Care Act ACA), formally known as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA) and colloquially known as Obamacare,
• Ambulance Care Assistant - this role involves the transportation of non-emergency patients to and from hospital and clinic appointments.
• ACA is the representative body for UK consulting actuaries 
• ACA Sports Limited, a UK based online sports shop stocking Football Boots, Football Shirts, Team Kit, Footballs, Shin Guards, Goalkeeper Gloves and Clothing 
• Association for Continence Advice (ACA) - organisation for health and social care professionals concerned with the progression of care for continence. Methinks someone is taking the proverbial! 
• Adult Children of Alcoholics 
• Australian Croquet Association and, confusingly, the Australian Cricketers' Association
• Asynchronous Criticality Avoidance 
• All Calls Answered is a common meaning for ACA on online dating sites, such as Craigslist, Tinder, Zoosk and Match.
• Alcohol, Condoms & Attitude are apparently the three factors necessary for any episode of The Jersey Shore.

Who knew?

Is Santa a tax avoider?

Santa's VAT adviser, who wishes to remain anonymous, says she has been pondering some key issues:

 First things first, is Santa a taxable person? 

He is only active once a year (though it is a busy night and he visits a lot of countries!). 

Also his activity is carried out very regularly every year (he never misses). 

But is he carrying out an economic activity? 

Is he giving the presents away or are the mince pies and brandy left out for him (and the carrots for the reindeer) non monetary consideration (not to mention the requirement that the children have to have been good – which is surely priceless). 

 Is the letter to Santa a contract and what happens if one party (the child) fails to meet its part of the bargain (the aforementioned ‘being good’ bit). 

If the gifts left for each child in a household cost less than £50 and there is no consideration provided, can Santa claim the input tax on these without there being an output tax liability? 

 How should he value the work of the elves in the workshop that produce the gifts – and are they his employees or are they self-employed? 

There is no doubt a range of other issues to consider as regards Santa’s direct tax affairs and how he can afford to carry on year after year with no money coming in (unless you count the fees for all those shopping centre stints – but is that really him??). 

 Is Santa’s sleigh an airplane used by an airline operating for reward chiefly on international routes? 

Can the reindeer food be zero rated because the reindeer are working animals? 

He is supplying delivered wrapped goods, which all start their journey at the North Pole, (non EU) and don’t go through Customs, so what is the place of supply, and is he making a single supply or is the wrapping separate? 

 If it is separate how do you apportion the non monetary consideration (assuming there is any)? 

 Lots to think about! 

 [A version of this letter has appeared elsewhere beforehand but I cannot trace the original]

'Last Christmas' as sung by a tax inspector

Last Christmas, I sent a demand

But the very next day, you appealed it away 

This year, to get us some tax 

I'll investigate and ensure you pay 

 (Chorus) 

Once bitten and twice shy 

I want your records, but you just seem to lie 

Tell me, taxpayer, do you recognize 

The mess you've made with your financial lies?  

Last Christmas, I filed a report 

But the very next day, you sent it away 

This year, to save me from tears 

I'll start a COP9 and make you obey  

Crowded offices, filled with paperwork 

Hidden incomes, we'll make it work 

I'll trace the money, follow the trail 

Your tax games won't let you prevail 

Last Christmas, you thought you were slick 

But the very next day, I uncovered the trick 

This year, to save me from strife 

I'll ensure you pay your fair share in life  

Some credit is due to ChatGPT for this. 

The 12 taxing days of Christmas

A few years ago  Emily Coltman of FreeAgent analysed the tax consequences of every one of the gifts mentioned in the classic song “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.

Emily imagined that the minstrel, whose "true love" gave all these gifts, needs help completing a tax return. 

What, imagined Emily, would be the income tax and VAT rules applicable to the gifts that make up the famous festive menagerie?

What follows is just a sample from some of the explanations. In each case Emily provides rather more detail than is appropriate for this fun blog ;-) 

A partridge in a pear tree This is what HMRC call a “mixed supply” for VAT, because it’s goods with different VAT rates supplied together. The pear tree is zero-rated for VAT, while the partridge, as an ornamental bird, would be standard-rated.  

Three French hens When goods of any kind are brought in from the EU and bought by a business that’s registered for UK VAT, the business has to work out and account for the VAT they would have paid if the item had been bought in the UK. 

Five gold rings If you’re buying an antique gold ring or other piece of second-hand jewellery, how would the seller work out VAT?

Six geese a-laying HMRC goes into a serious level of detail on this. The basic rule of thumb is that poultry kept for their meat or their eggs would be zero-rated for VAT, whereas ornamental birds would be standard-rated.

Eight maids a-milking Milkmaids need to live on the farm in order to be able to do their work properly; in order to do the morning milking they have to get up very early, and so it wouldn’t be practical or possible for them to commute. That means that the farmer can provide the milkmaids with living accommodation free of tax and National Insurance. 

Nine drummers drumming A drummer would have to buy his or her costume to perform in.  That might be a kilt, jacket and plaid for a drummer in a pipe band, or a suit for a jazz band drummer, and so on. He or she can then claim tax relief on the cost of that costume, because a costume for a performer is tax-deductible. 

Twelve lords a-leaping What would be the tax implications if these lords a-leapt out of the country? It depends why they’re a-leaping out and for how long.

When a young accountant bought a donkey

Many years ago a young accountant, Warren, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £200. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

When he drove up the farmer said: "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." 

Warren replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've gone and spent it already." 

Warren said, "OK, then just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Warren replied: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Warren was insistent: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 

 A month later the farmer met up with Warren and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Warren replied: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £800." 

 The farmer was astonished: "Didn't anyone complain?" Warren replied: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back." 

 Rumour has it that some years later Warren returned to the City and joined one of the largest firms of accountants, where he eventually became senior partner.

The final word on nutritional advice for accountants

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health as it affects accountants (and everyone else): 

 

1. Japanese accountants eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

2. Mexican accountants eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. Chinese accountants drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

4. Italian accountants drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. German accountants drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

CONCLUSION: British accountants can eat and drink what they like. It's UK Accounting standards that are apparently what kills them.

Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

You know you need a new accountant when....

• Your Accountant begins the initial interview with "When I was in prison..." 
• After completing your tax return showing a balance due of £3,000, your Accountant asks for it in cash. 
• You see your Accountant on TV. On Crimewatch 
•  Your Accountant thinks "amortisation" is Italian for "making love". 
•  Every time you visit Your Accountant in their office, they're smoking a joint. 
• Your Accountant tells you "You probably won't go to jail for this, but..." 
• Your Accountant is also a Lawyer, and is representing your partner in the divorce proceedings. 
• Your Accountant tells you he hasn't filed his own tax return in years 
• Your Accountant seems to have a cold all year long....and powder residue on his desk 
• Your Accountant is just happy to hear from you - even if it is at the end of January!

10 scary tax movies for Halloween

1. Tax Return of the Living Dead 
2. Silence of the ledgers 
3. Friday 31st January 
4. Rosemary's Bookkeeper
5. The Taxorcist 
6. Auditor Dogs 
7. VATman begins 
8. Psycho tax inspector 
9. Phantom of the Tax Office 
10. Little shop of HMRC 

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant 

How to account for your loss of interest? 

How to analyse your manner strange? 

Tell me truly of my errors: 

Narrate the reasons for this change. 

Your company and loving presence 

I value over all else on earth. 

If some goodwill can now be shown 

I venture we’ll see love’s rebirth. 

Reconciliation swift I now am seeking: 

This current impasse leaves me tense. 

Do not discount my urgent pleading: 

Do not keep me in suspense. 

 Dennis Flynn

Is the glass half full or half empty?

 Is the glass half full or half empty?

To the optimist, the glass is half full. 

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.  

To many accountants, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

To the realist, it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more. 

Anyway, instead of describing the glass they are more interested in drinking whatever it contains. 

And the older accountants who stop the debate and simply add whisky to the glass. They also point out you should never ask if the glass is half full or half empty. The question misses the point. The glass is refillable. And, anyway, why bother with the glass if you can find the bottle/jug?

The King and HMRC

It is not well known that the King is a keep fit enthusiast and insists on all of his gym equipment being laid out in exactly the same way ahead of each training session. 

When he can't make it he pays a small fine. 

The sign on the palace gym door reads: HM Customs and Exercise.

The accountant and the bikers

An accountant is sitting alone in a country pub sipping a beer and reviewing some accounts which he has out on the table in front of him.

A bunch of bikers roar up to the pub and when then go inside they immediately begin harassing the accountant. He tries to ignore them as they insult him and make fun of his glasses, the accounts and the fact that he isn't responding to their taunts.

The accountant continues to ignore the bikers who then begin poking at him and getting physical. One of the bikers pours beer on his head. He does nothing. Another pokes him with a pool stick. He does nothing. Another sweeps his accounts off the table onto the floor and stamps all over them covering the papers in mud and grime. Still he does nothing.

Eventually the accountant pays for his drinks and leaves the bar.

One of the bikers turns to the bartender and says, "Not much of a man, was he?" sneering at the cowardice of the accountant who did not defend himself against a bunch of guys who outnumbered him and were bigger than him.

And the bartender turns to the biker and says, "He's not much of a driver, either. He just drove his car over all of your bikes."

The accountant's eulogy in rhyme

He counted every penny, with precision and with care, 

In columns and in ledgers, he kept the numbers fair. 

His spreadsheets were a marvel, each figure in its place, 

With formulas like poetry, in this his special space. 

Sadly his life was little more than balance sheets and sums, 

No tales of grand adventures, no travel to far-off lands. 

He left behind a legacy of numbers neat and wide, 

For though he never truly lived, his ledger never lied. 

So here's to this accountant, in his world of black and white, 

Where every penny mattered, from morning until night. 

He may not have embraced the world, or danced with joy and glee, 

But in the world of numbers, he found his symphony. 

Do accountants enjoy what they do?

Do accountants enjoy what they do? 

Accountant one: You can't make a career out of doing something that you really enjoy as that would spoil it. It would cease to be pleasurable and it would become drudgery. 

Accountant two: That's why we became accountants. It's something one isn't in danger of enjoying too much!

Death and Taxes - the full story

Most people (in the UK anyway) who hear the two words 'Death and Taxes' tend to think of Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) who is usually credited with saying: 

"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." 

This was apparently written in a letter to Jean-Baptiste Leroy, 1789, which was re-printed in The Works of Benjamin Franklin, 1817. 

 Before that however Daniel Defoe used a similar phrase in The Political History of the Devil, 1726: "Things as certain as death and taxes, can be more firmly believed." 

And much more recently Margaret Mitchell says the following in her book Gone With the Wind, 1936: "Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never a convenient time for any of them."

The collective noun for tax inspectors

A retired tax inspector once told me that the correct collective noun was a 'bunch of bastards'! 

I've since been collating other suggestions: 

A grab of tax inspectors 

A menace... 

A conniving... 

A tithe... 

A levy (levee)... 

A Grabble... 

An Inquisition.... 

A Bogy.... 

A Spectre.... 

A Digger..... 

A ruination .... 

An infliction .... 

A calamity .... 

A chill .... 

A pack... 

A frisson ..... 

A vexation .... 

A ravishment .... 

An infestation....

What is the best collective noun for accountants?  

An audit of accountants

A balance of accountants

A sum of accountants

A fudge of accountants

An account of accountants

A journal of accountants 

An assessment of accountants 

A calculation of accountants

Or something else?

What does it take to be a good tax accountant?

Q: What does it take to be a good tax accountant? 

A: Two things – grey hair and haemorrhoids. 

 The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the haemorrhoids make you look concerned.

Why accountants struggle with advertising spend

You know what they say about advertising......

 

"It's always said that half of one's advertising spend is wasted, but you never know which half. The problem is that my marketing colleagues never budget for both halves!" 

 Attributed to Chris Hix, former head of management accounting at Lever Brothers by Russell Levinson

Stamp Duty and playing cards

A few years ago I was researching a new talk that involves a reference to playing cards and was astonished the learn the following. Why didn't anyone ever tell me this before?

When you look at the central image of a spade on the Ace of Spades it is often more ornate than that on the other aces and the reason is tax related!

Apparently this all began in the 17th century under the reign of King James. He passed a law requiring the Ace of Spades to bear an insignia of the printing house as proof of payment of a tax on the local manufacture of cards. 

This ornamental embossing was also intended to prevent forgery of the revenue stamp. To forge an ace of spades was punishable by hanging, hence it is sometimes still known as the ‘hanging card’. 

Stamp duty was extended to playing cards in 1711 by Queen Anne and lasted until 1960. All decks of playing cards printed and sold in the United Kingdom were liable to tax under the Stamp Act 1765, and the Ace of Spades carried an indication of the name of the printer and the fact that the tax had been paid.

I am astonished that I have only found this out now - all these years after I started to work in tax having already established my magical hobby!

The dangers of being over promoted?

A tax manager was driving up the motorway on his way to see a client when his senior partner phoned him and told him that he'd been promoted to senior manager. 

The tax manager was so shocked he swerved the car. 

A few minutes later the senior partner phoned the tax manager again to say he'd been promoted even higher and would be made a tax director. 

The manager swerved the car again. 

Then the senior partner told the manager that he was actually being promoted straight to partner. 

The manager was so shocked he drove off the road and went right into a tree. 

The police came and asked him what had happened. He said "I careered off the road"

You know you need a new accountant when....

You know you need a new accountant when....

...Your Accountant offers to do your taxes in exchange for a lifetime supply of pizza. 

...Your Accountant suggests deducting your family holiday costs as a "research trip to a tropical paradise." 

...Your Accountant thinks "tax evasion" is just another word for "strategic financial planning." 

... Your Accountant's favourite tax strategy is "Finders Keepers." 

...Your Accountant tells you that an HMRC investigation is a great opportunity to make new friends. 

...Your Accountant's motto is, "When in doubt, shred it." 

...Your Accountant recommends hiring a psychic to predict your tax liabilities. 

...Your Accountant wears a t-shirt that says, "I put the 'fun' in 'refund.'" 

...Your Accountant suggests writing off your gym membership as a business expense because "thinking about taxes is a workout." 

...Your Accountant believes that "paying taxes is for amateurs." 

...Your Accountant keeps a rubber stamp that says, "Approved by the Ministry of Silly Tax Returns". 

How many accountants are witch doctors? Or is it AI now?

 In a 1964 speech the British law lord, Lord Justice Harman, is reported to have told an audience:

‘Accountants are the witch doctors of the modern world and willing to turn their hands to any kind of magic.’

There was a time when this same quote appeared on the websites of dozens of firms of accountants. 

Maybe we should adopt an amended version of the quote:

‘AI systems are the witch doctors of the modern world and able to turn their hands to any kind of magic.’

(You need to know me to know why that quote so appeals to me. There's a clue in this earlier posting on this blog)

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

5 of the best answers. Can you offer any more?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... How many would you like it to be? 

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... What kind of answer did you have in mind? 

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... Two. One to change it and one to make sure it was done within budget.

And lastly, my favourite: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

 One, but he'll have 800 of them to do in January.

How NOT to describe an accountant

A business coach was looking for an alliterative approach to use when targeting accountants. 

The following positive adjectives were all identified as possible aspirations but rejected at least partly for having the potential to be misunderstood in the context of accountants: 

Absurd, Adequate, Adventurous, Agile, Amorous, Aphrodisiac, Approachable, Appropriate, Arousing, Arresting, Assisting, Astonishing, Astounding, Attentive, Attractive, Audacious, Auspicious, Authoritative, Autonomous, Available, Awe-inspiring. 

Any more?

15 fun nicknames for Accountant co-workers

KitKat - Always taking a break

Butter knife - Not the sharpest tool in the box

Arthur - Only does 'half a' job

Motion light - Only works when someone walks past

E.T. - Always wants to 'go home' 

Seaweed - Floats around the audit room all day and stinks like sh*t

Lantern - Not very bright and always has to be carried

Deckchair - Always folds under pressure

G-spot - You can never find them

Daisy - Some days he's in, some days he's not

Cinderella - Office princess

Hot sauce - bit of a troublemaker

Uncle - Slightly older male accountant who is always willing to help out

Broken arrow - Doesn't work but can't be fired

The Jargonater - Constantly using long words that no else understands

Other income - how to explain this one?

Back in the day when we completed tax returns by hand, an inspector of taxes noted an unusual entry for 'other income' on a tax return she was examining. 

In the space to explain a zero figure the taxpayer had written "F. All." 

The Inspector wrote to the taxpayer suggesting that this was not appropriate language to use on what was a legal document. 

The taxpayer responded by explaining that the Inspector had misunderstood. "I could not fit the words "Family Allowance' in the limited space available." 

The Inspector wrote back pointing out that there was no requirement to enter details of Family Allowance on tax returns. 

The taxpayer then responded, that as regards his other income, this really was F*** All!"

Best ever reason given to HMRC for late paid tax

Long before HMRC introduced a 'time to pay' system through the Business Payment Support Service, Inspectors kept track of the more extreme excuses given for late payment.

My heart went out to the taxpayer with the best reason I ever heard. He asked for time to pay because:

"Just recently the drains were blocked and the bungalow was flooded, We had 6,000 gallons of effluent all over the inside and out.

Please consider all the things we've been through."

The tax awards that were NOT presented

 Awards not presented at this year's Taxation awards celebration included:

Large firm

• Longest name for a tax team in a large firm
• Most widely dispersed tax 'team' in a large firm

Medium sized firm

• Highest percentage lock-up in a medium sized firm
• Most imaginative disclosure on a tax return by a medium sized firm
• Longest meeting with HMRC in a medium sized firm
• Most fee notes for tax advice given to one client in one year, in a medium sized firm
  

Small firm

• Worst client toilet in a small firm
• Best reasonable excuse for a late filed tax return by a small firm

Individual awards

• Most obscure tax qualifications
• Most pedantic tax author
• Least qualified Treasury minister
• Tax smartarse of the year

Any others?

Hamish McTax's chilling tax rhyme

Sarah Saunders is clearly a fan of Macbeth. She was credited by Taxation magazine with finding (or imagining) a new parchment used by Shakespeare as a source for his play, Macbeth. 

It's a witty piece that could be said to examine the play through the lens of modern day taxation. 

The document itself appears to have been written by Hamish McTax, Royal Counsellor, Tax Adviser to Royalty. 

Apparently "scribbled on the back of the document was this chilling rhyme:

"Double, double, VAT is trouble, ATED burn and FATCA bubble. 

Number of a DOTAS scheme, Echo of a non-dom's scream. partner's notice, APN, Payment with a stroke of pen. 

Film investment, foreign trust, years of planning, turned to dust. For a charm of taxing trouble, Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble". 

 Nice one, Sarah

10 songs from the 1980s to inspire accountants

1. "Take the Money and Run" by Steve Miller Band - Perfect for those clients who may be tempted to take their profits and run, but you're determined to keep them on track with sound financial advice.
2. "Material Girl" by Madonna - A fun twist on being a "Depreciation Diva" who knows the value of tangible assets and depreciation schedules. 
3. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey - Encouraging clients to keep the faith in their financial goals and trust in your accounting expertise. 
4. "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson - Because you won't stop until you've reconciled every last penny and balanced every account. 
5. "Every Breath You Take" by The Police - A playful take on diligently reviewing every line item on a financial statement, "stalking" those numbers to ensure accuracy. 
6. "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi - Capturing the intensity and pressure of tax season, where accountants rely on a little prayer to make it through! 
7. "Money's Too Tight (to Mention)" by Simply Red - A humorous take on the constant struggle to manage finances and make every dollar count, even when it's too tight to mention.
8. "It's a Beautiful Day" by Michael Bublé - When you're feeling optimistic and confident about tackling tax season with a positive outlook. 
9. "Manic Monday" by The Bangles - Capturing the chaos and frenzy of the first day of the week after a long tax weekend, when accountants are bracing for a busy week. 
10. "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA - Because after all the hard work and number crunching, you deserve to be the winner of tax season and celebrate your accounting skills!

New names for accountants

 Accountaholic

Beenblower

Beancounter

Beankeeper

Closeted counter

Counting consultant

Counting countess

Double entry deviant

Dealer in debits and credits

Journal junkie

Legder lover

Number cruncher

Penny processor

Provisions peddler

Any more?

Percentages can be confusing

When I started training as an accountant, one of the first clients I visited was a bookseller.

I remember being unable to understand how the clerk had computed his percentages when sales were falling. These included such impossible results as minus 134% and minus 179%.

I explained how to compute the percentage movement in sales from one period to another. 

The look of joy on the clerk's face was a delight as he came to appreciate a key fact: 

• Whilst upward trends had no limit (eg: increases of four time the previous week's sales would show as plus 400%), downward trends could never be worse than minus 100% (if no sales were made). He was thrilled.

I went back a few weeks later to check all was well. Unfortunately a stack of books (previously counted as 'sold') had been returned, thus creating 'minus sales' ...............!

10 songs from the 1970s to inspire accountants

1. "Money, Money, Money" by ABBA - Because accountants know money is their favorite thing to count, balance, and make sense of! 
2. "Taxman" by The Beatles - A reminder that even the legendary Beatles had to deal with taxes, just like everyone else. 
3. "Dancing Queen" by ABBA - When the financial statements are balanced, and you're ready to dance your way through tax season like a true queen of numbers. 
4. "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits - A humorous take on the dream of getting paid for doing nothing, which is rarely the case in the world of accounting! 
5. "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles - When you're providing reassurance to clients that you'll be there to hold their hand through the complicated tax filing process. 
6. "Working 9 to 5" by Dolly Parton - The anthem for every hardworking accountant during tax season, putting in those long hours to meet deadlines. 
7. "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers - A reminder to always play the odds and make smart financial decisions, especially when it comes to taxes! 
8. "Money" by Pink Floyd - A humorous take on the never-ending pursuit of balancing the books and making sense of the numbers, just like Pink Floyd's iconic song. 
9. "We Are the Champions" by Queen - Celebrating the successful completion of tax season and conquering the challenges of financial management like a true champion!
10. "Money's Just a Touch Away" by The Rolling Stones - A cheeky take on the temptation to touch those funds when you're reconciling the books, but as an accountant, you know it's not that simple!

An accountant goes to the doctor....

 An accountant knocks on the door of the local GP's surgery and walks in.

"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that the accountant turns around and walks out.

30 seconds later they are back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."

The Doctor looks up from his desk and asks: Are you an accountant?"

"Yes"

 "Ok, In that case I think it's obvious. You have a serious case of double entry."

Now that's what I call 'tax advice'

Many years ago I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, Steve, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.

I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member). Steve then told me that he had an unusual hobby too. He said he was a poet.

The following day I received an email from Steve containing a poem he had written for me to deliver. I loved it - but never performed it as I can't do all the tricks he references!

The Third Person to Ask

(aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice)

Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat

I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT

The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know

But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to show

To cut a woman in two halves, the secret I find plain

I’m sure you’d much prefer to know how to offset a gain

The most secure of lock and chain I’ll escape in a trice

It really is much better to just give good tax advice

For whilst my skills at magic give me a qualification

They’re not what I’m best know for, throughout the English nation

And since tax is my living, I’m sure that you can see

Why my lectures do not highlight those three letters, MMC.

Written by (and posted with the permission of) accountant poet: Steve Brown

Flags and taxes

A British guy was chatting with his American friend and offered a fun explanation about the red, white and blue in our National flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

What does TAX mean?

 Here are some of the answers I received online when I asked that question:

TAX...
... is what someone from Yorkshire uses to chop twood.
... means to add something to a taxonomy.
... is annoying little nails that keep the carpet down.
... means 'Many thanks' in Danish.
... is the verb for using a taxi.
... means Taken Abroad EXclusively: the new way to get the Capital of England to the Cayman Islands
... is something to be avoided at all costs.

And, finally, my absolute favourite:
TAX can be shown to be a cheeky government joke: 'Tax' is made up of the word 'Ta', followed by a little kiss. "Thanks for yer money, suckers"

A crazy excuse from HMRC

I once heard about a lady who received a letter from HMRC threatening her with fines if she didn't produce a certain document.

In fact she had sent them the document in question a month before and it had got lost within HMRC's office. She explained:

The (perfectly nice) lady I spoke to said that apparently my original letter had contained an all-important blue slip. The internal mail system only recognises blue slips, rather than, say, people's names. My failure to include the blue slip had resulted in my carefully packaged 35-page document entering a postal abyss, never to be seen again. While I recognise that not understanding the importance of the blue slip was negligent, I had called HMRC and asked exactly where I should send the package and to whom. The package had my tax and NI numbers on it.

This got me wondering how – in the absence of the blue slip - I could have got the document to the right person. Clearly sending something registered post is no use. I suppose I could try delivering it in person, but I've just googled East Kilbride and it's a really long way away. Plus, if HMRC's internal posties can't find someone in their own building, I'm not sure I'd have more luck. Maybe the person in question is very difficult to find – her desk is in an air-vent or something.

The reason first given to the lady was that her letter had failed to reach the person in question because it's 'a really big building'.

Tax swerving

 A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

"What for?!" retorted the man.

"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

Imagine an Inspector of taxes with this name!

I heard a lovely story recently about an Inspector of Taxes whose name was Mr Millions.  I'm assured it was true. 

Mr Millions worked for the Inland Revenue - in the days before it was rebranded as HMRC.

Many years back before the self assessment system started, Inspectors would 'list' appeals against estimated assessments for hearings before the General Commissioners. And then accountants would routinely call the Inland Revenue to ask for the hearings to be postponed.

This Tax Inspector often had to handle these calls and adopted a standard response when answering his phone. He said: "Millions, no jokes please!"

New acronyms for accountants

I'm a bit of an acronymaniac. Here are some that might be useful for accountants.

AFLO 
We've all had them. Challenges or things that don't go as we hoped. We might smack our forehead in frustration. Maybe January was an AFLO for you this year. Another Flipping Learning Opportunity!

TIOLI 
Maybe this is your approach when talking with clients about your service offerings: Take It Or Leave It

DARE
An approach to following up after attending networking events: Deliberate Acts of Relationship Enhancement.

HIPPO
Another way of explaining why the senior partner gets the last word. It's because it's the Highest Paid Person's Opinion.

GLIBO
What you might think of these acronyms. They offer a GLIBO: Glimse of the Bleeding Obvious

15 shocking things found among clients' paperwork

Accountants have long reported finding the most unexpected items in among the papers that clients send them to prepare accounts and tax returns.

Here's a selection of the 15 most shocking things we have ever heard about:

1. A piece of paper with a username & password for an online dating website and also details about flight times and days he could go to Bangkok.
   
2. The odd maggot or worm stuck to a receipt and a few more live wrigglers at the bottom of the box from a fishing tackle shop.
   
3. A pregnancy test (negative).
   
4. An HIV test result (also negative).
5. A client's topless holiday photos on the same memory stick as her accounting records.
   
6. A set of dentures.
7. Chewing gum (well chewed!)
8. A credit card still attached to the letter and pin number which had never been used.
   
9. A fishmonger's purchase invoices that were covered in fish skin and blood.
10. A flowery card with illegible writing and £50. Not for me as it turned out but the client’s birthday card from his granny.
    
11. A barbie doll's head, nothing else, just the head.  [Transpired it was used as a gear stick topper in the client's car]
12. A used teabag.
13. Some hard porn films in the bottom of a female client’s bag of papers. [Accountant was unsure whether to mention them to the client or not, as they suspected her husband hid them in there!]
    
14. False (finger) nails.
15. Receipts for adult toys and gentlemen's clubs of ill repute.

Be patient with accountant please (poem generated by ChatGPT)

Be patient with your accountant please

For they work hard to keep the books

With rules that change and numbers to squeeze

They will never work for crooks

They are not just adding up the sums

But making sure they're all correct

It's not a task that can be done

Without a lot of effort and respect

So when they take a little time

To double check and triple count

Remember that they're doing their best

To keep your finances sound

And though it may seem like a chore

To wait for them to finish each task

Know that they'll work diligently

So your money post tax will last

So be patient with your accountant

For they work hard to keep you financially astute

And their expertise will help you to avoid

Any financial disputes.

Authored in seconds by the ChatGPT AI system - using last week's poem on this site as inspiration. I made a few small edits (including making references to accountant gender neutral)

Tips for new managing partners

 A new managing partner was about to be appointed at a large accountancy firm.

His predecessor met with him privately and presented him with three large numbered envelopes. “Keep these in your desk drawer and open them in order as and when you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but after six months, a number of key partners resigned and the new managing partner started to take some flak. At his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to the drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new managing partner called a Partners meeting and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous managing partner.

About a year later, the firm's profits had dipped and partner drawings had to be reigned back.  Having learned from his previous experience, the managing partner quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Blame your management committee.” This he did and a couple of members of the committee duly stood down and were replaced.

The firm’s fortunes quickly started to improve again. After a while however the firm was once again experiencing problems as a couple of their largest clients moved to a competitor firm.

The managing partner went to his desk and removed the third envelope. The message inside read, “Prepare three envelopes.”

Spare a thought for your accountant (poem)

Spare a thought for your accountant

He’s trying to do his best

To earn a decent living

Just like all the rest

Doing all that double entry’s

Not as easy as it looks

It takes years and years of practice

To cook a set of books

But when the debits and the credits

Don’t add up quite as they should

Staring at the door or window

Doesn’t do a lot of good

It’s said two things are sure in life

Death and taxes are the pair

But one more fact is certain

Your accountant’s thinning hair!

The tax rules alter constantly

He struggles to keep pace

Tax, NI and VAT

Etch deep lines in his face

And even when the job is done

The client may not pay

So your accountant’ll keep a’counting

Until retirement day

Written by David Marston

How valuable is an accountant's experience?

In 2017 I wrote an article for AccountingWeb about how to thrive in your 50s.  I was responding to a letter sent by ICAS to members and which appeared to suggest that the over 50s are over the hill!

One commentator on my article posed the following question by way of analogy:

If you were ever in the unfortunate position of needing brain surgery would you prefer:
A) the whizz kid age 27 who knows computers like the back of his hand? or
B) the 62 year old with many years experience in the game?

This drew the inevitable response from a frustrated small practitioner:

My experience suggests most will opt for: 

C) the cheapest butcher. 

I am sure this will resonate with many accountants in practice.

GAAP - Are you sure you know what it means?

 Strictly speaking GAAP stands for Generally Accepted Accounting Principles but I prefer the suggestion that GAAP is the difference between accounting theory and accounting practice.

Or could it stand for one of the following?

Greatly Anticipated Auditing Performance
or
Grossly Aggressive Accountant's Punches
or
Gently Activating Accountant's Pencil
or
Generally Accidental Accounting Practices

Can you suggest any others?

How to upset an accountant using 7 words (or fewer)

Can we make this disappear?

I'll do the bookkeeping myself

The ad said the software does it 

Nope, no business bank account

Your fees are too high

Here's my shoebox

I checked this in an online forum

Those meals were for business purposes

Dave said it's ok to claim this

Can you get my tax bill down?

What am I paying you for?

What does reconcile really mean?

Let it go. No one will know.

Can you forget I told you that? 

How much if I pay you in cash?