Accountant's christmas confession

Seen on a website for anonymous confessions:

"I’m an accountant. Every Christmas our office has a secret vote for the client who has been the biggest pain in the backside. We then report the winner to HMRC regardless of whether we have any concerns about their tax affairs. Invariably they get a full audit so we get more work. It’s win win".

Auditors are people too - a poem

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Penned by Stephen Brown

10 special taxes for special people

1. Brothel owners pay syntax.
2. Parrot-owners rebelled against perches tax.
3. Drawing pin manufacturers pay thumb tax.
4. Trumpet players love brass tax.
5. Market researchers resent the poll tax.
6. Rubber manufacturers dislike lay tax.
7. Explosive experts are stuck with sem tax.
8. Gym owners have to pay exercise duty.
9. Teachers enjoy paying tick tax.
10. Porn stars have to pay blue tacs. 

There are only two types of accountants in the world....

There are more than two types of aphorisms along these lines. Here are some of my faves. 

There are only three types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can count and those who can't.

There are only 10 types of accountants in the world.... 

.... Those who understand binary and those who don't 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... .

...Those who walk into a room and say, ‘There you are!’ – and those who say, ‘Here I am!’ ” (original credited to Abigail Van Buren) 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Any more?

The tax on fireworks - a true story

60 years ago fireworks were added to the list of goods chargeable with Purchase Tax. Hansard records an odd debate that took place on 12 February 1962 concerning the extent of the charge. 

The new Purchase Tax order paper stated that the Tax (a precursor to VAT) was to be charged at 25% on fireworks of all kinds sold over the retail counter for 5th November celebrations and also those used in firework displays. Previously it was only charged on indoor fireworks which were considered to be "a variety of toy." The mind boggles!

As a result of a question raised in the House, the Government had to make it clear that the tax would not apply to those fireworks that were made for either military or marine purposes. 

Thus there was to be no purchase tax on signal rockets, on "Very lights", on bird scarers used by fruit farmers or on "other commercial articles of that kind".  Seems sensible of course. But tax is never simple. 

There then followed a discussion which included these questions: 

• "If a rocket is fired from a ship for the entertainment of the passengers would Purchase tax be payable or not?" 
• "Are the sparks or stars emitted by a firework, such as a rocket, exploded on Guy Fawkes night for pleasurable purposes different to the sparks and stars emitted from a firework exploded at sea?" 
• "Are 'crackers' fireworks or toys? I am referring to crackers in boxes, containing a mercurial strip pulled at children's parties—not to biscuits". 
• "What percentage Purchase Tax would go on a 'penny banger'?" 

Let's finish this ruby anniversary review with a quote from GR Mitchison (the member for Kettering) who said: 

"This is a silly Order, and a very cheerless one. I can only explain it on the ground that the Government have had so many rockets....that they feel that it is about time a tax was imposed on rockets. There is no other explanation for the Order".

Trivial new taxes we nearly had for 2022

The Chancellor seemed to omit these new tax ideas in his Budget this week:

• Twitter tax, levied at 1p per tweet
• Hashtag tax, 1p per hashtag, max 5p per post. 
• COVID lingo tax, like a swear box - £1 each time you say 'unprecedented', 'new normal' or 'pivot'. 
• Unused App Tax (UAT), £10 per app on your phone that you haven't used in the last month
• Promo tax - payable for downloading tracks simply to get a Christmas number one
• Wii tax levied on the breaking of household objects
• Ringtone tax on irritating ringtones, doubled for Christmas ones
  
• Muzak tax - doubled for Christmas muzak and trebled for Christmas muzak before December
• Alexa tax - £1 each time you unintentionally engage your home assistant
• Interesting tax - £1 each time you say something is 'interesting' rather than using a more precise adjective
• So tax - £100 each time you start a sentence with 'So'. (Reduced to £50 if you train Alexa to reprimand you)

Google search results re accountants

You know how Google offers you suggestions as to what others have searched for with the same opening words as you have typed in the search box?

Here are the top examples of popular questions and searches on Google, that begin: Why are accountants...

....important? 

....boring?

....unhappy?

....paid so little?

....in demand?

....so arrogant?

And a similar list re questions and searches that begin: Why do accountants...

....wear visors?

....earn so much?

....use brackets for negative numbers?

....need analytical skills

....use spreadsheets?

These are quite telling and even worrying as well as being amusing and contradictory! Some see accountants as important, in demand and arrogant whilst others (presumably) see us as boring and unhappy. And accountants are apparently paid so little, whilst also earning so much for using spreadsheets and evidencing their analytical skills - and using brackets!

 

Sometimes we're not as clear as we might be....

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies of the passport. 

It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations. 

An accountant told me that a new client once sent him an unusual package. 

On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else? Another one. Same as the first. And another, and another. 

Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport. 

None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone. 

The accountant called the client to acknowledge receipt of the package and to find out why he had sent so many copies - and not had any of them certified. 

The client was pleased to hear the package had arrived safely. "I should have checked as I must have misheard you. 'Certified copies' makes much more sense. I thought you asked for 35 copies."

A sole practitioner accountant and the minimum wage

Andy Atkins is an elderly accountant operating from offices above a shop in a small town. 

One day he received a letter from HMRC, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the National Minimum Wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Andy. 

"Well," said Andy, "there's my accounting trainee, I pay him £240 a week, and cover the costs of his training. 

Then there's my PA. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging in the flat above the office. 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit." 

"That'll be me then," said Andy.

Check the fundamentals when recruiting finance staff

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed dozens of people for the job of assistant to the financial director.

The head of HR thought that one candidate - Stuart - seemed ideal.

Stuart had been to a major public school. He wasn't a qualified accountant but did have a masters degree in business administration. He satisfied all of the psychological profile checks the company employed and generally impressed the head of HR.

The FD conducted the second interview after checking the notes from the first one and also Stuart's Linkedin profile. All was going well until.....

'Stuart,' said the FD, I've decided to offer you the job. And as you've impressed us so much I'm happy to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you £36,000 a year.

'Thank you,' replied Stuart. 'But how much is that per month?

Tax inspectors and contraception

After a lengthy tax investigation has concluded the accountant invites his opposite number, an attractive lady tax inspector out for a drink. 

They go to the bar of a local hotel. After a few drinks they decide to 'get a room'. 

When the subject of contraception is raised the accountant gets a first hand lesson in the difference between neglect, wilful default and fraud - as explained by the tax inspector:

It would be neglect if you said you'd not brought one with you;
It would be wilful default if you refused to wear the one that I've brought with me; and
It would be fraud if you told me that you've had the snip!

Greeting card message for retiring tax partner

 Message seen on the front of a greeting card given to a tax partner on his retirement from a sizeable firm of accountants:

All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Ten annoying myths about accountancy

1. Accounting is just about maths
2. Accounting services are expensive
3. Accountants are boring
4. Accounting is all about helping clients pay less tax
5. It's important to have an accounting degree before you start
6. Tax is payable by reference to turnover (rather than profit)
7. Profit and cash are the same
8. If there's money in the bank we must be doing alright
9. You don't need an accountant if you use Xero or QBO
10. Accountants all make loads of money and are loaded

Credit to AAT for their recent social media activity that generated the above suggestions.

Things that could be said to your accountant but not to your partner

First the cleaner ones:

• Can I claim this as an expense? 
• I've done a couple of things I shouldn't have done but it's best I don't tell you. 
• Is there any chance of a discount if I recommend you to a friend? 
• I am afraid your assets are not very impressive 
• Do you charge by the number of transactions, or is it one set fee for the entire relationship? 
• How much do you charge an hour? 
• You're very experienced, is that why you charge so much? 
• Is there any interest? I used to get more interest a few years ago. 
• How much? 

Now the others:

• Has it gone up or down? 
• You don't like nice round figures, do you? 
• If I enter this correctly, do you think I would get relief? 
• I can remember when everything balanced... 
• My! that's a big ledger.
• I’ll fill this one in. 
• Are there any penalties for early withdrawal? 
• I could work on a good column entry for ages. 
• I'd like one of my business associates to have a look at that before I agree to it. 
• I’m thinking of leaving it in there for a good few years. 
• What do you know about roll-over relief? 
• I’m worried about losing interest if I withdraw. 
• If we do it the other way, can I still get relief? 
• You are taking out more than you are putting in. 
• You're very experienced, is that why you charge so much?

12 things HMRC will never say....

12 things HMRC will never say:

1. “After reviewing your contract, I consider you’re self employed.”
2.  “Considering the length of time it has taken me to reply to your letter it is only fair that I give you 18 months to reply to mine.
3. "I like you. On this occasion I’m going to let you off and chalk it up to experience".
4. “Given the complexities of the legislation that is a mistake anyone could have made so I won’t be looking to charge a penalty.”
5. “Following the recent Tribunal decision confirming that we have been incorrectly applying tax legislation to your circumstances, we can now concede that we are wrong and have accordingly charged ourselves a penalty for our carelessness in failing to take advice from an appropriately qualified tax professional.”
6. “That might be what the legislation says but it seems incredibly unfair so we’ll take a pragmatic view”
7. "You're right, we don't have unlimited powers to ask for anything we feel like"
8. "It looks like we were wrong after all. Please accept our apologies and a payment of £50 to cover any distress and inconvenience caused to you and/or your business".
9. "Let’s be pragmatic about this"
10. "It's OK we'll reimburse your clients costs as this was a training exercise and we found nothing"
11. “You’re right, in this instance the Opinion given had no legal authority underpinning some of the claims, and some of the facts we asserted also had no cogent evidence to support them. We were winging it in the hope you would not notice and just pay. We are sorry and the matter is now closed.”
12. "We have just received your letter and will reply within a month, which is well ahead of our target of 121 days".

With thanks and credit to Philip Ridgway for starting this discussion and seeking further suggestions on Linkedin

10 things you will never hear a decent accountant say

 

1. Yes, my fees could be lower if you pay me in cash 
2. Yes, I'll find a way to justify all those supermarket receipts in your accounts
3. Sure you can pay me less because you ignored my advice on how to make more profits 
4. HMRC have no problem with retrospective tax planning
5. Your tax return only took me 5 minutes to do 
6. I love working from carrier bags full of clients' paperwork
7. I have decided not to charge you anything this year
8. The taxman will give up once he knows I'm representing you
9. Don't worry about getting receipts 
10. Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do 

Any more for any more? What else would you never say?

50 ways to please the taxman

 Accountant Nigel Hughes has crafted this topical variation on the Paul Simon classic. It's a fun ditty in itself and even cleverer if you can recall the original tune as you read it!

Your problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you do it digitally
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

She said I hate to see you blundering in this fog
Tax really doesn’t need to be such a slog
I’d like to end your love affair with analogue
There must be fifty ways to please the taxman

Fifty ways to please the taxman

Just get on the web Fred
Click on your mouse Klaus
Get up in the cloud Howard
Just zap it to me
This is the key, Lee
You don't need double entry
Do it on line Brian
And set yourself free
It's a new day Ray
Just think what you'll save Dave
Take a quick pic Rick
And listen to me
You'll never believe Steve
What you can do if you trust me
Just take a quick snap Jack
And set yourself free
She said paper records are really such a drag
In cardboard boxes or a Tesco carrier bag
I said I appreciate that but don't you think some clients might just gag

On the 50 ways

She said I think you should just leave it all to me
I know very soon, you’ll fall in love with MTD
And then she kissed me and I realised I could charge a quarterly fee
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

12 statements guaranteed to wind up an accountant

 How to wind up an accountant? Just say something like this:

• "I just popped everything in this carrier bag here - I knew you could sort it all out for me."
• "My friend's accountant says....."
• "I need a mortgage reference - you will make the figures look good for me won't you?"
• "A friend in the pub said that he's certain that...."
• "My van was broken into and........ ... all of my receipts were stolen"
• "How can I have made such much profit when I've no money left in the bank"
• "My son has been onto the HMRC web site and......."
• " I've already signed my tax return. Just fill in the details as usual"
• "I've put the cost of the new extension through, as I do make coffee in the new kitchen while I am working from home"
• "I've checked my tax return and it's wrong...the profit figure on the accounts isn't the same as the taxable profits figure on the tax return"
• "You can't have our bank statements we have shredded them. It said on the news that the police wanted everyone to shred their bank statements to avoid ID theft"
• "I won't be able to pay you until someone has paid me." Always said AFTER you have completed their accounts.

Contributed by members of AccountingWeb on this discussion thread I initiated a while back.

Ten tax related musings that will make you smile

 

1. Why is simplification such a long word?
2. A tax conscience is that small inner voice that tells you that the Special Civil Investigation Office will be writing to you.
3. If taxes are the answer, what was the question?
4. Why is it that HMRC can make 'mistakes' but taxpayers are always negligent?
5. Haggis and tax laws are both the the result of bloody processes; the end result is a mystery and you wouldn't want to watch either being made.
6. Is it true that HMRC's computer believes that the generation of names for random enquiry is too important to be left to chance?
7. If you fill in your tax return before breakfast then nothing worse can happen to you all day.
8. Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.
9. Is the Eiffel Tower a warning as to what will happen to Canary Wharf after taxes?
10. Has the self assessment system resulted in the United Kingdom becoming a land of untold wealth? 

How to explain away that Holiday Villa you bought using undeclared income

During a tax investigation an inspector from HMRC asks the taxpayer how he managed to afford such a luxurious holiday villa with such little income.  The taxpayer responded with this story:

"While out fishing last summer, I caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened its mouth and said that he was a magical fish. This magical fish promised me that if I threw him back into the sea he would reward me with the most luxurious villa I had ever seen. After thinking about it for a moment, I said "OK" and threw the magic fish back into the sea. When I walked back up from the sea I could see the villa, just as the fish had promised."

The Inspector laughed and asked how the taxpayer expected to prove such an unbelievable story?

The taxpayer said "Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"

Cynical views about auditing

“Auditors don’t stop management’s lies, just make sure they’re reasonable.”

-- 

How many auditors does it take to change a lightbulb? 

 None - we’re all too busy. Wrong! The correct answer is: How many did it take last year!! 

-- Originally collated and shared on the twitter account @overheardaudit

Ogden Nash - economics and tax

 "Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn. 

The less you earn, the more you're given,

the less you lead, the more you're driven,

the more destroyed, the more they feed,

the more you pay, the more they need,

the more you earn, the less you keep,

And now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to take,

if the tax-collector hasn't got it before I wake."

Ogden Nash, American Poet, 1902-1971

7 ways to avoid winding up your tax adviser

 1. BE HAPPY AT ALL TIMES

Your tax adviser leads a stressful life dealing with HMRC (the Taxman) and cannot cope with you being miserable as well.

2. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR TAX ADVISER TO BE SYMPATHETIC WITH YOUR PROBLEM
Your tax adviser's ethical code requires them to be objective and independent.

3. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF YOUR TAX ADVISER'S ADVICE LOSES YOU MONEY
You must appreciate that tax IS VERY DIFFICULT so an occasional experience of negative income is only to be expected.

4. DO NOT ASK YOUR TAX ADVISER TO EXPLAIN WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR WHY
Unfortunately the jargon inherent in tax matters is not compatible with explaining it to someone like you in a way you would understand.

5. BE PREPARED TO TRY FIENDISHLY COMPLEX TAX SCHEMES WITH ENTHUSIASM
Though the planning may be ineffective and cost you a lot, the resulting thesis on the deficiencies of such schemes may result in the tax adviser acquiring further letters after their name.

6. PAY ALL YOUR TAX ADVISER'S BILLS PROMPTLY
It is an honour and a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of such doughty fighters of Government rulebooks.

7. NEVER GO TO JAIL FOR TAX FRAUD WHILE EMPLOYING A TAX ADVISER
This will only cause your tax adviser unnecessary publicity and embarrassment.

Late night thoughts of young auditors

You must be an account receivable, because you're outstanding 

“As a student, you are either struggling academically, financially, or emotionally.” 

If you’re an auditor, well... all three. --

“Treat me like interest. Compound me.”

“Work-life balance in audit is like Santa. We all wish it existed, but it does not.”

“My boss thinks taking us out to dinner is a bonus. I don’t need his dinner I need cash.”

“Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.”

“If you could be any TB account? Which would it be?”  -  Goodwill because people never want to write you off

If I could substantively test how boys felt about me, my life would be so much easier. I could send confirms to their exes, recalculate average time between reading your texts and replying, doing a search for "unrecorded liabilities" aka side hoes

Originally collated and shared on the twitter account @overheardaudit

What do different people dislike HMRC?

• Chiropractors don’t like HMRC because they’re always after back taxes 
• Police officers object to the extra duty 
• Cardiologists find them heartless 
• Podiatrists hate having to foot the tax bill 
• Gym owners don't like have to pay exercise duty 
• Fairground owners struggle with their tax dodgems 
• Librarians hate the HMRC for all the extra bookkeeping required 
• Detectives say that HMRC send them figures that just don't add up 
• Pet shop owners just hate perch's tax 
• Post Office workers don’t like Stamp Duty 
• Headline Writers hate Capital Gains Tax 
• Newlywed grooms pay more when they carry their brides over the threshold 
• Musicians don’t like HMRC because they always want too many notes

The purchase ledger accountant's lament

Piles of purchase invoices, in all colours and sizes
Apparently so varied but with very few surprises
The Boss will read them carefully before he authorises
Then it’s my job to process them as my blood pressure rises
I say each number quietly to get it in my brain
And as I type it to the screen I say it once again
The others in the office think my mumbling’s a pain
They say it shows I’m mad, but can I promise you – I’m sane!
Once input to the system I’m so careful where I pile ‘em
Too close to the window, they’ll be gone before I file ‘em
And that would be the end of me, straight off to the asylum…
My loving caring colleagues would be very quick to dial ‘em
So here I am, an invoice clerk until the bitter end
Most of the time I work real hard but sometimes I pretend
I’m living in a different world, with mates and cash to spend
Oh please won’t someone rescue me? I’M GOING ROUND THE BEND!

Written by Sean Kelly

It's too easy to misunderstand HMRC

This is a true story about a tax dispute that went on for two years before the underlying issue was clarified. It made me smile.

A while back an Inspector of Taxes explained to me that the owner of the small business had been refusing to co-operate. As a result a relatively straightforward tax dispute about a tax scheme was heading towards the first tier tax tribunal.

It was when the case was reviewed and a new Inspector contacted the taxpayer that the REAL issue became apparent. The taxpayer had misread a letter from HMRC which referred to his involvement in an abusive tax arrangement. 

The taxpayer thought that HE personally was being accused of ABUSE and he resented this. In the event a simple apology from HMRC for the misunderstanding enabled negotiations to commence properly and the dispute was later resolved without the need for a formal hearing.

I didn't find out whether it really was the taxpayer who had misunderstood or if the original letter from HMRC was poorly worded. Who knows?!

Crazy accounting definitions

Book value: Value placed on an asset for accounting purposes that bears no relation to its true worth.

Budgeting: An exercise where the unknowledgeable force the unwilling to predict the impossible based entirely on the inaccurate.

Credit: Something that accountants rarely get.

FIFO: 'First In, First Out', a method of valuing stock. Also a method never used when accountancy firms are considering redundancies.

Goodwill: Concept invested to explain the difference between the value of a company and the price another company paid for it.

LIFO: 'Last In, Last Out', a method of valuing stock. Also a method frequently used when accountancy firms are considering redundancies.

Liability: Money or goods owed by a company. Also a first-year audit trainee.

Prudence: A fundamental accounting principle, designed to lend dignity to inaccuracy.

Reconciliation: The art of proving that one inaccurate figure exactly agrees with another inaccurate figure.

Taken from 'The Bluffer's Guide to Accountancy'

The accountancy trained sheepdog

A farmer buys a new sheepdog, called Excel, from his accountant.  

First day out the farmer sends Excel, off to gather in his 8 sheep. 

 On returning the farmer is astonished to find he now has 10 animals in his pen and asks the dog to explain. 

Excel barks: "Woof! You asked me to round them up".

Fifteen funny books for accountants

1. Internal Control Weaknesses by Kermit Fraud 
2. Authorisation Limits by Mustapha Siggnatjeur 
3. How Not To Panic At Year End by Wendy Orditors-Cumming 
4. Cash Control for Dummies by Hans Intils 
5. Rough Guide to Accounting by Major Control-Weakness 
6. Double Entry Delights by General Ledgers 
7. Financial Planning for Beginners by Bud Jett 
8. Monthly Reporting by Anna Litticle 
9. Excel Analysis by Rosa Dayter 
10. The Notes to the Accounts by Hugh Kairs 
11. Capital Tax Planning by Muvinov Sure 
12. Insolvency by Justin Casey-Folds 
13. The Missing VAT Trader by Cara Zell 
14. Big Bonus by Laura Cash 
15. Unexplained Difference by Frank D Scussions 

With due credit to Graham Thomas-Widger and Karen Watson who posted these (and a few others I didn't get) on AccountingWeb

10 ways to know you're an accountant

 You know you're an accountant when.....

.....Friends always ask YOU to divide the restaurant bill and the tip.
.....Tipping a waiter makes you wonder who is acting as the troncmaster.
.....You are always expected to be the one controlling the fund for office sweepstakes, lottery and fantasy football syndicates.
.....Strangers sidle up to you at parties and ask "How do I pay less tax?"
.....You can repeat all the HMRC 'on hold' messages word-perfectly.
.....You are annoyed when you see journalists giving inaccurate tax advice

.....When you pop into an independent retail outlet you wonder how much profit they make.

.....You refuse to buy certain products retail because you know how big the sales margin is.
.....You have quoted certain tax cases so often you know how to spell the obscure names involved (eg: Mallalieu v Drummond) 
.....You count an unnumbered list like this one to check whether it really contains 10 items. 

If we are not 'customers' of HMRC, what are we?

It's been many years since HMRC (the taxman) started to use the word 'customers' to refer to all types of taxpayers and tax credit claimants.  Of course 'customers' normally get a choice as to where they shop so it's not the right word.  

Here are 11 alternative, not too serious, descriptions. Do you have any other suggestions?

1. Slaves
2. Victims
3. Codees - Anyone who deals with the tax authorities has to have a code, so that's the common element.
4. Punters
5. Suckers 
6. Cash cows
7. Mugs
8. Muggles 
9. Prey
10. Government financiers
11. Lemons (as in "squeeze them until the pips squeak")

5 fun tax related quotes

 Haven't posted any quotes about taxation for a while so here are some more:

" I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is—I could be just as proud for half the money."
- Arthur Godfrey

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
- Jay Leno

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
- Harvey Mackay

"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure."
- Dan Bennett

"If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil."
- J. Paul Getty

Previous posts containing tax quotes can be found through this link

6 fun anecdotes about accountants

I knew a firm of accountants who employed a chimpanzee as a trainee......It just didn't add up! 

Did you hear about the accountant who became a chef?.....It wasn't long before he cooked the books! 

My friend just became a full time accountant....From now on, his days are numbered! 

Accountant goes into a department store and asks if they have any net curtains, the assistant says "sorry sir, all our prices include VAT. " 

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance. 

An accountant went to a cake shop and asked the baker "Why does that one cake cost so much more than all the other?" The baker replied "That's madeira cake".

The audit file rock song

 Another song penned by Accountant Nigel Hughes. This one should be sung to the tune of the Elton John classic, Crocodile Rock:

I remember when we were young,
Me and Susie having so much fun
Audit programme and an ICQ,
I had a battered ford escort and an M&S suit.
But the biggest kick we ever got,
Was doing a thing called the audit file rock.
While other kids were rocking round the clock,
We were Ticking and Bashing to the audit file rock

Chorus
Well audit file rocking is something shocking,
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time, and I guess I never will.
In the office 'til late at night,
Trying to get our double entry right,
And audit file rocking was outta sight.

Well the years went by, now I’m an RI
Susie went and left us for a big 4 guy,
Long nights crying by the coffee machine
Worrying 'bout ISAs and the QAD.
But they'll never kill the thrills we got,
Burning up to the audit file rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
We really thought the audit file rock would last.

Repeat chorus

"Taxation isn't about what you need"

In January 1986 the political comedy " Yes Prime Minister" featured an episode "The Smokescreen" in which The Prime Minister, Jim Hacker, favours abolishing smoking through heavy taxation but he runs into strong opposition from the tobacco lobby and the Treasury department.

The following exchange between the PM and his permanent secretary, Sir Humphrey, seemed especially worthy of reference:

Sir Humphrey: Taxation isn't about what you need.
Jim Hacker: Oh, what is it about?
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, the Treasury doesn't work out what they need to spend and then think how to raise the money.
Jim Hacker: What does it do?
Sir Humphrey: They pitch for as much as they think they can get away with and then think what to spend it on.

A shocking downsizing story that all too believable

 The partners in a 20 strong accounting firm decided to downsize.

Half of the staff were duly handed their redundancy notices. The letters left them in no doubt the firm would be better off without them.

Selecting the half to make redundant had been a no-brainer for the partners: the firm was staffed by a mixture of very competent young people at various stages of training, and a motley crew of duffers who were mostly a waste of space. Some even had quirks that made them automatic choices: there was one guy who always arrived at the crack of dawn each morning - only to spend an hour on expensive sex chat-lines! And a twenty-something female who looked as though butter wouldn't melt, but was transformed into a door-slamming Banshee whenever told to go work on-site.

One of the staff who had been selected to stay, was recently qualified, and had just been head-hunted by his former mentor, a Big 4 Partner branching out with his own practice. Promoted to manager and charged with staffing the new practice, he offered jobs to all of the remaining competent 50% of the firm's staff - professional and admin. All accepted.

Thus it came that, having only just received their redundancy notices, Mr Sex-chat, Miss Banshee, and all the other duffers received gushing letters informing them the firm had had second thoughts. The partners didn't, after all, want to lose staff of their calibre, and would they care to stay?  

Apocryphal or true?

Did you ever bend your Butterworths?

I heard a great story recently about the late Philip Hardman (after whom the ICAEW Tax Faculty's annual Hardman event is named).

This story dates back to the days when every tax specialist, team or office would have their own hard copies of what was then Butterworth's Yellow and Orange Tax guides. 

Philip was head of tax for Thornton Baker, before it merged with Alexander Grant to become Grant Thornton.

After a tour of the firm's offices, Philip reported back that he was disappointed by the lack of high level tax work being done around the firm.  His evidence was the number of Butterworth's yellow books that were NOT dog-eared!

The tax teams were later admonished for not referring to the legislation sufficiently often. Back then there was no other way of checking what the law says. 

To avoid repeated criticism the staff apparently found a solution. They would take the yellow and orange books off the shelves and 'bend their Butterworths'!

Goodness only knows how now, in the 21st century anyone can prove they regularly refer to the source tax legislation regularly!

Ten things only financial controllers will understand

 

1. People never really understand what your job really involves
2. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
3. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
4. You're wasting our time when you promote stuff to us (as we have no buying authority)
5. Having the auditors on site is a pain in the neck
6. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
7. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
8. Friends only call when they want financial advice
9. New versions of Excel are really exciting
10. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits

When things were more formal than today

Many years ago when accountancy firms were more formal than they are today, the senior partner noticed a new trainee in the office and called out to him, across the older articled clerks:

"Come over here! What's your name young man?" 

"John," the new trainee replied. 

"Look, I don't know where you grew up or what school or colleague you attended, but I don't call anyone by their first name," the senior partner scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority and respect. I refer to all my staff by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Sir'. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Absolutely sir!" 

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" 

The trainee sighed, "Darling, My name is John Darling, Sir." 

"Okay, Then. Welcome to the firm John.”

Is Dr Who liable to pay UK income tax?

 The Editor in Chief of Taxation magazine speculates on this question in the 14 Jan issue.

He wonders how she would fare under the statutory residence test as she seems to have spent a lot of her time in the UK.

Perhaps in the next series her deadliest enemy could turn out not to be a dalek but someone from HMRC's anti-avoidance unit. 'Dr Who and the follower notice'. You heard it here first.

The answer to the question though is clearly: No, Dr Who is not liable to pay UK income tax.

The character has no permanent home here, was not born here and earns no money here. Plus, and we should keep this in mind, she's a fictional character allegedly from another planet. HMRC have no taxing powers over such people, real or not ;-)

Tax advice for fisherman in 2021

Following Brexit an accountant approached one his clients who was a fisherman.

I can see you floundering as things are being scaled back. I've been herring rumours you may be taking advice from salmon else. What's the reel fishue? 

I know a fintastic plaice to start. Let's close your company down and set you up as a sole trader. I could shoal you why this could be cod for you. It sardinely an op-perch-tuna-ty worth considering.

Notfishstanding the net benefits we don't want HMRC to sea you doing anything fishy. 

Why don't you mullet over. 

I'm here all week....

Dodgy excuses for late filings in 2021

With the tax return filing deadline looming clients should be discouraged from trying any of these excuses for late filings:

1. My tax return is shielding
2. I had to travel to Barnard Castle to check my eye sight before I could read and complete the forms
3. I voted 'Leave' , which includes leaving having to pay taxes
4. I don't believe taxes exist they are a hoax
5. Under the latest regulations travelling to my computer isn't allowed

A dodgy client reacts.....

Last year I saw an anonymous report from an accountant whose client was being interviewed under caution by HMRC. The conversation warrants recording on this blog

HMRC were alleging that the client had been buying ‘childrens’ clothes from a wholesaler who was zero-rating them. But upon inspection, these were quite clearly adult clothes. 

In the first interview, when the client was asked if his business had ever acquired clothing from said wholesaler, he answered "No. Never heard of them".

When presented with photographic evidence of his van entering and leaving the wholesaler’s premises, the client suddenly remembered that he had collected a few samples of clothing from them, but had decided against entering any supply agreement. 

HMRC then presented a further set of photographs that showed the same van in the same warehouse again, seven days later. 

“It was probably to return the faulty clothes!” claimed the client, panicking under the pressure. 

After another two sets of photographs were proffered onto the table, showing a further two weeks worth of evidence, the HMRC officer asked the client for a final time: 

“Has your company ever bought 'childrens’ clothes from the said wholesaler?” 

To which the client replied: “How many more photos have you got?”